Is it ever acceptable to tell someone with anxiety that they're overthinking?

[KillSwitch]

DP suffers with anxiety and it's quite bad at the moment. He is taking medication for it but it's not helping. Without going into too much detail, someone who recently declared feelings for me has tried to cause issues in our relationship (I've made it very clear nothing is going to happen and been open and honest with DP about it). DP is concerned that this person is "obsessed" with me and will "stop at nothing" to split us up, so his solution is to pre-empt this by splitting up anyway. He says he does want to be with me and he loves me, but can't deal with this other person trying to cause issues.

I don't believe for a second this other person is obsessed with me. I think that if I avoid this person he won't give me a second thought and will forget all about me, and have suggested ways to make this happen (I work with him). I know telling someone with anxiety that they're overthinking things isn't helpful because it minimises their feelings, but surely there's a way to get DP to see this without him thinking I'm invalidating how he feels??

Yes, of course it is okay. Most people with anxiety are perfectly aware that they overthink. If they don’t they really need to take some action in tackling the roots of their anxiety and learning healthy coping strategies.

And I say that as someone who suffers quite badly with anxiety.

Thank you - he is aware that he overthinks but because this is a real and genuine concern for him right now I don't want him to think I'm just dismissing or.

Sorry changed structure of my sentence in one instance and forgot to change the other -

*if they aren’t (aware) they really need to take some action...

He needs to stop catastrophising. Ask him if it actually makes sense to break up with you simply because he’s worried that someday it might happen anyway.

I have tried that but he just keeps going on about not wanting the other guy to cause issues, which is why I want to get a bit firmer with him about it all. He's coming round later to talk so hopefully I can get him to see a bit of sense.

He sounds exhausting of course you can tell him he is overthinking.

The other guy has no power as you make your own decisions and you have told him straight out that nothing is going to happen. Just keep repeating that. And keep telling him that his panicking and going on about things that are not going to happen will start to wear you down as well, which is not going to help his relationship with you.

Of course you can tell him he's over thinking as that's exactly what he's doing. I have a DS who has had bad anxiety and I know how exhausting it can be, don't get into a loop of constantly reassuring him as it doesn't work and keeps the anxiety going in the long term.
I'm a bit concerned that you seem to be treading on eggshells to the point where you are unsure if you can tell your partner he's over thinking.
Ultimately you can't make this better for him only he can do this, has he had any talking therapy like CBT for instance?

Thank you everyone. This is the first time he's had a wobble like this since we've been together and whilst I want to sort things, he needs to know that he can't do this every time he has concerns so I will have a serious chat with him.

I'm not walking on eggshells in relation to him specifically, it's more that when we started getting serious, I did a bit of research into relationships with someone with anxiety so that I could support him in future when it gets bad and a lot of the advice is things like "don't tell them to calm down, don't tell them they're overthinking" etc. He hasn't had CBT but it's an idea I can broach with him.

You don't have to tell him he's overthinking but you can tell him he's worrying about you as if you are an inanimate object with no free will! You choose whether this guy will come between you or not. This would really irritate me actually, anxiety or no (and I too am a sufferer). He probably doesn't realise what his behaviour is saying about you!

'He is aware that he overthinks but because this is a real and genuine concern for him right now'...but it is still his anxiety talking as you have reassured him that it's not the case. I think he needs support independently of you to tackle his anxiety if he wants to and you need clearer boundaries about what you will listen to and what you won't. Otherwise the anxiety can turn into a beast that has a life of its own and everyone has to adjust to it.

Over thinking , over reacting and catastrophising , black and white thinking.

He's doing these errors of thinking and it's ok to draw his attention to it. However if he hasn't done any therapy he might find it hard to admit to or to correct the errors.

Anxiety aside, do be careful this doesn’t tip into a destructive type of possessive jealousy.
He’s threatening to end the relationship because another man is interested in you, so you jump to fix things.
Be clear that you’re not interested and that you decide who you’ll have relationships with and why.
Reassure him fully once then put down a clear boundary that this is in the past and you won’t talk about it again unless there is anything new to discuss.
(I speak from experience with a good, but anxious, man who I tried to help too much )

Thank you everyone for your help. I didn't put in too much information but think it's prudent to say that DPs concerns aren't around this other bloke and me, but more that we all work for the same organisation (although DP is in a different location) and he's worried about this man causing issues for him at work. He doesn't want to risk his job which is why he was considering ending the relationship.

He came round yesterday and we had a long talk about how I think he's overthinking the situation (which he agreed with) and the steps we can take to deal with his concerns. I haven't broached the idea of therapy yet but I will because he said yesterday that I'm his "safety net" and that doesn't feel healthy to me - Mrsjayy is right in saying he sounds exhausting, sometimes it is to go round and round in circles and providing constant reassurance. I know he needs to find better ways to cope than relying on me to help calm him down and talk him through everything.

You don't need him draining you like this see how it goes let this blip pass and suggest or bring up therapy along side his medication he needs another safety net.

That sounds positive.

And I think you need to do some more research on how to deal with anxiety, because it sounds like the reading you did before was more along the lines of people saying, don’t make me feel bad about my anxiety/don’t blame me for my anxiety, which is all good and well in a general sense, but actually, won’t help to calm it. A person who suffers from anxiety needs to learn strategies to manage it, and they won’t if someone else is constantly reaffirming it and/or managing it for them.

CBT is a good idea - I didn't think so until I tried it. I found an online course through a Pain Clinic and found it helpful. I also find sitting down and discussing anything I am panicking about with my husband helpful as he thinks differently and can often come up with a solution. And yes I do overthink things but don't mind being told so.

Both DH and I have mild anxiety, managed without medication but using mindfulness and writing a lot of journals. Talking to each other helps too. We both over think, and we check each other's fears. I go to counselling which has helped a great deal.

I'm recovering from severe anxiety which started last year. I'm aware I overthink everything. It's not easy to change the way you think but it's possible.
If you spend time re- training your thoughts it can improve. I had CBT for worrying....that's all about over thinking and challenging your thoughts. I also read a book called 'Change your thoughts, Change your life'. I read chapters in that every day.
You have to remember that you can't change his thinking. No reassurance will help.