Am I wrong to tell off my mum?

[Papayalady]

Hi everyone.

Seeking support and advice .

I suffer with ME, which includes depression and anxiety. My mother is 75 and I think for most of her life she's suffered from extreme anxiety and other issues (all undiagnosed as she's always refused support).

Since the referendum, my mum's been highly vitriolic about 'immigrants', which is extremely painful because:

1. My dad's black Caribbean (she's white British)
2. She gave birth to two mixed race children and has a mixed race grandchild
3. She believes everything written in the Daily Mail (which fuels her paranoia)
4. Her attitude is a big trigger for my mental health (I've been unusually depressed the last 3 months and struggled through Christmas and January)

I know in my gut that lots of her cruel opinions are driven by her own mental health (fear, anxiety, depression and detachment from her past), but I'm no expert.

I've been dealing with the aftermath of a nervous breakdown in 2017; I'm still unwell but I have never been able to stop working because of the woeful lack of benefits for chronically ill people in the UK. I'm under a lot of pressure to get out of debt and re-establish my life. My mum seems ignorant of the hurt she causes with her opinions, but when I've tried to point it out to her respectfully and ask her to tone it down in my presence, she has taken no notice.

Racism has increased since the referendum, and I hear about it from mates around the UK and even in London. So I feel the pain of others' stories too. The last place I want to hear prejudiced views are from my own mother who used to be so accepting.

She's been with my stepdad (white British) for over 30 years now - and she's had zero contact or interest in black culture for decades.

I sent her a very stern email last week after she unnecessarily shared cruel opinions about eastern Europeans. I hit my limit. But because she can't do 'adult' conversation (she literally shuts down and walks out of the room), I had to email her and my stepdad with my thoughts. But I was harsh in an effort to cut through whatever goes on in my mum's mind. I've had to do it before regarding other issues, and she's responding positively - but this time it's different. She's avoiding me.

I feel so bad about this - with her getting older and less resilient, I feel really crap about telling her off.

My mum and stepdad are supportive in practical ways, but they've both created gruelling mental health crises, which have hurt the entire family mentally and emotionally.

Am I being horrible? My gut says, I had to say something before my mental health declined, thus impacting my ability to earn money. But I feel so guilty and it just feels like an unnatural situation to be in.

For a broader picture: my stepdad shows all the signs of Asperger's and my biological dad has a history of narcissism so I'm used to setting boundaries, but this feels particularly bad and personal.

You're not being horrible, but you are being trampled on. I think you should step back. You're not going to change the way your Mum thinks, she will continue to believe what she believes regardless of how many emails you send her. For your own wellbeing and mental health I think reading what you've written I would say find out what your own boundaries are, allow people to be racist and bigoted if that's what they want to be, have your say in the moment if they raise something you disagree with and then walk away and drop it. Don't give huge amounts of space to people in your life who make you feel shit, protect yourself and your own wellbeing, no one else can do this for you.