Husband with Borderline Personality Disorder

[keeponsmiling679]

I was just wondering if anyone else was in the same boat as me.
DH has lots of emotional instability, anger issues etc and after much research i believe he is undiagnosed BPD. His siblings all act and treat their loved ones the same.
I'm hoping to gain an insight and support from fellow partners if you're out there

All personality disorders manifest themselves really significantly in relationships x it must be so tough for you both x maybe consider attending couples therapy if your partners are open to it, as well as encouraging them to access their own support x

In terms of seeing a diagnosis it doesn't always help (and stays with the person forever!) so I'd advise to tread carefully there x

In her case, she never feels as though she has anything to apologise for, basically "BPD made me do it so tough"

You're girlfriend is abusing you marchez. Get out before she drags you down further.

You might have it better to post in relationships marchez. You absolutely should not be treated the way you are being. She's a bully using her illness as an excuse.

I have bipolar and have been awful to DH when very ill. After those episodes I've always apologised and done everything I can to get better. I happily take medication as I don't want my family to suffer me.

I have BPD and have, on occasion, been awful to my wife- and I feel horrendous about it. I'm always wracked with guilt and remorse and make sure she knows my behaviour was about me, not her, and out of line.

Encourage your DH to get some help- a diagnosis can lead to treatment, such as DBT which has saved my marriage.

Hello.

I myself am a long term borderline and have been married for 25 years. May I start by saying labelling someone as a bully or abusive isn't helpful when those who live with this illness struggle on a daily basis with the smallest things that can trigger into a full meltdown and people who know about BPD will know a borderline brain doesn't have the capability of knowing what's real or fake. If the poster with a girlfriend is aware of potential triggers, it's always good to maintain the knowledge that it's not about you and she's not doing it deliberately. Can I ask if she's being verbally, physically abusive? Does she take mood stabilisers? Are you being consistently supportive? Do you go out when she starts or do you stay with her to calm the situation? Stability is a key factor in keeping a calm environment. My DH has been like an angel to me. I have been the impossibly hard to live with. I've thrown him out. I've thrown his clothes out. I've done all kinds of crazy, but when the situation has passed he just needs to look at me and knows that isn't me. May I suggest you dont take what happens to heart. I realise being with a borderline is hard, I am that person, but be supportive, don't throw blame or belittle the condition (my DH did that once, never again). I wish you well.

and have been married for 25 years. May I start by saying labelling someone as a bully or abusive isn't helpful when those who live with this illness struggle on a daily basis with the smallest things that can trigger into a full meltdown

I absolutely will not stop labelling abusive behaviour as abusive simply because a person has an illness.
marchez's girlfriend won't even apologise for the emotional harm she has done and is continuing to do. That's a deliberate act of nastiness right there, not even caring about your partner enough to just say sorry.

She shouldn't have to walk on eggshells, afraid of triggering a tirade of accusations and abuse. She should feel free to walk out and gather herself if needed, free to not have to jump to her girlfriends whistle.

Making out that the behaviours of people with BPD cannot be abusive is silly, anyone with any illness or non can be abusive.

I really hope you have some real life support @marchez

I do understand that, but It's also quite hard to gauge a situation on a forum.

I know exactly how you feel had a partner for 7 years with it. Would not admit it or do anything about it. So hard to deal with left in the end. Couldn't take it. X

If the partner is reading this, perhaps she'd like to share her side?

Do you argue with your partner?? If so two things happen. It feeds into the delusion, which means you are feeding her worst fear the more energy you put into defending. For example… no one would put that much energy into arguing about something that is a compete and utter delusion….what if she said you were sleeping with little green men from Mars? You wouldn’t go to great lengths to prove him wrong about that….you probably wouldn’t even be mad... just shocked and wondering what is wrong with her poor head, right? If you start arguing and suggesting polygraphs both of you are going to start acting as if little green men maybe really are in your bed. It will freak her out even more. You reinforce and participate in the delusion by arguing. Don’t legitimize her delusion.

Second, the accusations are a reflection of a very powerful, gut wrenching fear of hers…when you argue about it…the fear and agony she is feeling isn’t being seen or addressed at all. So she gets more and more frantic to be heard. Find a simply worded, comforting assurance that you are not cheating. Do that while emotionally validating what she is feeling (sickening fear that she is being betrayed or abandoned or humiliated... that would be an awful feeling…in other words…how would anyone feel if they really did have reason to suspect their lover was betraying them…it would be a horrible, horrible feeling…that is what she is feeling). You can validate a horrible feeling…without validating the delusion. When the underlying emotional state gets addressed…it can be very soothing, and she may start to calm down b/c the sickening fear is being heard and addressed. If she is getting verbally abusive or it’s escalating despite your efforts…tell him you have to stop this discussion b/c it’s not productive and you are feeling upset and need a break. Take the break. Do not keep entertaining this topic ad nauseum. If she will not let it go and it keeps coming up repeatedly…give a last calm reasurance that you are not betraying him, though you understand she must be in a lot of pain and you wish you could help …but you will not discuss this topic with her any longer. And then don’t discuss it with her any longer. This will mean probably having to leave the room or telling her you are going to hang up now, or taking space…you can tell her you would love to talk later as long it’s not about this topic. You may have to do this quite a few times... but if you always disengage this way…over time she may stop doing this….or it may happen much less frequently.

@keeponsmiling679 sorry, no I don't but just came to say that you might do better with a real life group.
Can you Google self help and the name of your town/city? That should bring up groups to try. Or you could seek counselling for you to cope with how he's been in the past and what you want to do now.