Struggling

[anjiat]

Really struggling to come to terms with the fact that I was raped in 2018 by someone I really loved and trusted.
Hate the fact that he's aware of what he did to me when I used language such as "coercion" but would shut down and deny that he raped me when I used harsher language.
Hate that he is living his life with no thought of this, yet it haunts me everyday.
Want to go to therapy but I'm scared. Still can't say it out loud to anyone other than him.
I want him to feel just an ounce of the pain he caused me, because I know he wouldn't be able to handle even that.
So why should I carry this huge burden for the rest of my life?
How do other women who have been through this cope?

I have written here before about this, but I'm expecting a child (not with rapist, met someone else who is lovely), and I'm terrified that all of this stress will affect my baby and that I'll not be a good mother because this has happened to me. I feel like I've been broken and I'm ruined.

Hi @anjilat firstly, I'm so so sorry that this has happened to you. I can absolutely understand why you're feeling all over the place. No-one should have to go through what you have. ⁣
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A few things in response to you - firstly about being a bad mum. Let me say categorically that having an experience like that has zero correlation with your parenting skills. I don't know you, but the very fact that you're asking about being a good mum means you probably will be. And you'll make mistakes too. But that's normal. And doesn't make you bad. ⁣
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Secondly re: therapy. I had therapy for a similar experience and it's the best thing I ever did. It allowed me to find a way of understanding what happened to me, and made the feelings reduce from intolerable to just occasional (manageable) sadness. And got rid of my self-blame. Therapy is different for everyone, but if you find someone you trust and can build a good relationship with, it really can be brilliant. You can ask your GP or there are lots of private options. I think there are also charities which specialise in this - Rape Crisis and The Survivors Trust are a couple I've heard of. ⁣
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Finally, try to be kind to yourself, whatever that looks like. If it's going to therapy great, but if it's something simpler like speaking to a trusted friend or doing something you like (nice food/bath/music/going out etc.), that's great too.⁣
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Sending you an enormous virtual hug.

Thank you @Hagster