Would you tell them?

[11hairylegs]

I’ve only recently recovered from being hypo manic and have very quickly plummeted into a deep depression. I have bipolar, ptsd and a load of physical stuff going on.
This thread isn’t so much about that, as much it’s so incredibly debilitating, as I have learnt to not talk about it usually but also some coping strategies.
I don’t talk about my mh and I very very rarely share it with anyone, including my family.. which is where my question is.
I hardly ever see them (a few times a year with my sibling a bit more often) and whilst they’re aware of the physical stuff (as I can’t hide it) they’re oblivious to the rest, although they are aware I’ve taken an overdose in the past.
I’ve been unwell mentally for 10-15 years, with bits of reprieve along the way.
I’ve had many spells being off work and many spells of the crisis team being involved. I am in touch with them atm.
A friend popped over earlier and thinks they should know, she’s even offered to tell them. I honestly think they won’t give me the support I need, we don’t have that kind of relationship. She thinks they deserve the chance to try.
What do you think? Be honest.
Personally I’m not sure I want to risk this blowing up and making me worse.
Feel free to ask any questions. Thanks.

Btw I absolutely won’t be holding you responsible for what happens if I did.
I’m just really interested in what you think. I’m aware I’m struggling to think clearly.

It's difficult to comment without knowing what they're like. Sadly a lot of people really don't "get" MH problems. On the other hand, if we all continue to keep these things hidden, it's less likely to become normalised. You need to do what's best for you though.

I wouldn't. I may not be right, but in your position, I wouldn't.

I don't have close relationships with my family either and none of them know the extent of my mental health or any of it really. I briefly told one family member that I had had therapy but there was no in depth detail and they never enquire about it.

My mother died when I was 15, I feel like if she were alive still I'd have told her as we were extremely close but other than that, nah. I have my husband who supports me. I don't even really tell my friends either, I think only one friend knows, it's not something I feel comfortable discussing.

You know your family better than your friend does.

They’re very self absorbed and over dramatise everything. My mum, particularly, tends to make everything about her and her reaction - it’s why I keep my distance.
My friend does know my family (although not very well) and thinks our relationship is like this as I’m constantly shutting them out.

I do think we should talk about mh stuff more but honestly, I’m embarrassed. I don’t think anything badly about others that are struggling but I feel the same rules don’t apply to me. Obviously that makes sense! Or not.

I’m feeling really quite awful and don’t entirely trust my judgement so I really appreciate your advice, thanks for replying.

Maybe shes feeling anxious about you? Is she your main support?

I didn’t think of that and yes she is.
She’s probably the only friend that knows everything, warts and all.
She also knows I get certain thoughts when I drop like this.

I think you should probably try and get some support from your family. It doesn't have to be perfect. Its lovely that she is supportive and a confidante, but I suspect she would feel less anxious if other people were also supporting you too, especially if this is a long term illness.

Even if it’s not the support I need?
I do try and not lean on her too much. I see other friends too (when I’m not in this state anyway) but I don’t share mh stuff.
I do see your point of view though although I do have regular input from the cmht as well as the crht when needed. Perhaps I should try my sibling a little. Thanks

Yeah I do, because it sounds quite a lot is going on and its never a good idea for one person to be the only support. It can end up being dependent and unboundaried.
If you had support from others too, even if not quite the right support, but from people who genuinely care, then that is a good thing.

Just having someone else thats checking up on you. It is emotionally really difficult for people supporting someone with severe MH difficulties, even if they want to be there for you, it can take over your own life and affect your own mental health and boundaries are vital.
I think shes saying that even though she really wants to help support you, that if you had family members involved too, then its a weight off her mind.

When you say your family dont give the right sort of support, what do you mean?

If the baggage within your family relationships means that those relationships don't feel supportive or safe to open up in (which is different than not wanting to share because it's hard to talk about), then don't open up to them, trust your instincts. You do need support though, we all do, so take definite steps to increase support in your life and you're right not to lean too heavily on your friend. Can the crisis team help with setting up longer term support for you beyond the point when they stop their support? So you know that there is longer term support in place? Or are there other services you can reach out too?

I do completely understand what you’re both saying, thank you for being honest. I hadn’t seen it exactly like that. I very much value my friend and I don’t take her support for granted, as I said I am mindful not to lean too much or be overly honest when things are really dark.
I’m still not sure family are the right people but I am considering it, perhaps I can share the bipolar without the rest, no history questions then.
You’re asking about the type of support, it’s more the complete lack of over the years. When I’ve been pretty desperate over other things and have asked (which I very rarely do), they’ve been ‘too busy’ etc. One of the situations was directly about me and my child (trying not to be outing) and yet they made it about the effect on them. My mum also likes to share everything about everyone and I’d never hear the end of it. I like that many don’t know as it’s easier to keep a mask on that way.
I can see I probably need to find additional support though and I will ask the crisis team if they can recommend anything. Sadly once you’re out of immediate crisis they completely withdraw all help. I still then get fairly regular contact with the Local cmht who simply check in with me, sometimes just on the phone. I have a named care coordinator.
Very much aware I’m slipping down and I think she is too, which I think has triggered this being raised. Thanks for helping me see her point of view.

Go with your instincts on your family. I'm very selective about what I tell my own family, for different but I think relatable reasons to why you feel reluctant to speak to yours. I have been told I have c-ptsd, borderline, I'm also autistic. Haven't mentioned any of that to my mum as I know, with the ptsd in particular she'd minimise the traumatic events of my childhood... It's just not a conversation I want to have with her.

It's possible your friend is feeling a bit worried about you, or perhaps a bit overwhelmed, maybe feeling like she is your main support?

Your friend may have her own motivations so I suggest discussing it with your therapist. Sometimes the family dynamic can contribute to MH issues so I can see why caution is necessary.

In the circumstances you've described, I would not tell your family. I don't think it'll be helpful.

I would only lean on someone who is strong and supportive.

Yep, I can completely understand why you don't want to say anything to your family. You will always hear of people who share everything with their family and have close relationships, but for those of us who don't our families are the last person who we can take our emotional pain to as it originates there. Look after yourself.

I’ve sat on this a couple more days (plus I’m finding it hard to do anything - even post on here) and I’ve decided I really don’t think I can tell my parents but I may talk to my sibling. A lot of my other mh stuff definitely originates from them.
I do completely see that it’s a lot for my friend though and I’m very mindful of not leaning too much or saying too much.
The crisis team didn’t have any suggestion of other support other than a crisis cafe in the nearest city.
I think I need to open up a little more to other friends. Not about the ptsd as it’d obviously raise questions, but about my bipolar. Perhaps it’ll help reassure my friend, I absolutely do not want her to worry about me. I’m not sure she has other motives? Although that has worried me a bit!
Thank you for your posts, I do appreciate you taking the time to reply.