Why can’t I say I’m not ok? How can I get better at asking for help?

[LaneBoy]

I would generally class myself as pretty open, but now things are really bad I seem to put a mask on without even thinking about it. We have various professionals working with us and even when they specifically ask me, I clam up and panic and just smile and say yes. I am open with some friends over messenger but then usually feel embarrassed and I still keep a lot back in case they think I’m annoying.

I’m having a flare up of a chronic health issue at the moment and it’s caused a few problems at times I’ve needed help with my toddler, but even then I can’t ask until it’s almost too late and I’m panicking. Symptoms are mostly invisible and I worry about the stigma attached (laziness, faking etc).

Our family support worker emailed me just to ask “are you ok” today because I didn’t go to a weekly drop in group that I normally never miss. That gesture meant a lot to me and yet I deleted my reply about ten times before sending one I was happy with. In an ideal world I’d have just said “no” and opened up a conversation about it, or arranged an actual meeting with her. In the end I said about the health issue worsening (true, but it’s a drop in the ocean really) and I won’t feel able to follow that up with “actually...”.

I’m very paranoid about saying too much, appearing needy, people thinking I’m being dramatic or attention seeking, and people getting sick of me still going on about the same stuff (because it is the same stuff really - it’s just getting worse) and not making progress.

We are currently (I say currently - it’s unlikely to change now) one of those families with a lot going on where everyone’s like “wow, you’re dealing with so much, you’re superwoman!” and I think in a way that makes it harder - not that I’ve ever pretended to cope brilliantly (far from it) but I suppose because I know everyone is already aware of the circumstances, and I just need to shut up and get on with it instead of going on about it.

I have even brought my next therapy session particularly to discuss this issue as it’s taking over my life and exacerbating my MH issues. Just sending that email was difficult but at least with her I can rationalise it a little as a service I’m paying for. It’s the one place I can be 100% my vulnerable self, but it’s also eyewateringly expensive and generally I can’t afford more than once a month.

Sorry that was really long and rambly. I’m sure I’m not alone in this difficulty, I’d love to know if anyone else has managed to turn it around and be open and honest.

You are doing so well even to realise that this is a weakness you need to address. It took me until my mid-fifties to realise I never asked for help because I always assumed there would be none. (Childhood, eh? )

Just start asking in small easy ways as often as you can. Next time someone who is in a position to help or who genuinely cares about you asks how are you, let them know, briefly, that you are struggling. If anyone offers support, say, 'Thank you, yes please!' Try habitually to accept help that is offered and ask for a small, easily offered chunk of support that would make a difference to you.

Tbh I am now 55 and find it almost impossible. I give off a vibe that makes people turn me down when I ask. (Can't even find a payable therapist - they all say they are full! .) Make changes before you get stuck in your 'I'm fine. lean on me. I never need support in return' carapace. It's a hard one to crack once it's in place.

and

Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. So you just need to build up that muscle! Could you start thinking about the help that you need, and the help you would be happy to ask for? They might not be the same things yet or they might be different things from different people. But as a PP said yes, it's a hard thing to do, but the worst anyone can say is no (leaving you where you already are) or they could say yes. And it sounds like you do have some people around you who would like to help. Wishing you well.

No advice, but I can relate. Part of the MH issues I've had has been not believing I deserve help, that I shouldn't bother anyone else, am a burden etc..

I also have no advice and am just posting to say I know the feeling. My issue is mostly work-related stress but I do sometimes add home issues that make the work stuff harder to deal with. So, it is my lovely, supportive manager who sees me fall apart. She is very insistent that asking for help and talking about what is going on (to her or someone else) is a good thing, but I just can't do it for all the reasons you mentioned and more even though I accept it might help in the long run. I wrote a 16 point list of reasons why talking to her would not be a good idea! Reaching out is very hard. It is good that you have a therapist to discuss this with. I hope she helps you understand it.

Thank you all so much for the replies.

@milliefiori Yep definitely a childhood issue here too. It’s been really good to work on that with my therapist, it’s just unfortunate it’s brought everything to the front of my mind now

@tinselvestsparklepants thank you I’ll definitely have a proper think about what help I need. Sometimes I think it’s more about just needing to vent I guess. I just want to be able to say actually no I’m really sad, and scared, and frustrated, and for someone not to just go awww it’ll be fine. But there are definitely practical things too, like I need to be able to sit down when I’m dizzy!

@Mossyfern yes very much relate to feeling like a burden! Pretty much apologise for existing sometimes :o

@happypotamus sorry you are struggling with work stuff etc. I am intrigued as to your 16 point list! I do like a list though.

Luckily one of the sessions in the course I’m doing is actually going to be about asking for help/reaching out, so that will be good.

Ha, I don't know how my list got to be 16 points long! I absolutely can't say to her or anyone when I am not ok and not really coping until the point where I end up bursting into tears or something. She wants me to be able to talk about it before reaching a crisis point. In an exchange of text messages rather than an actual conversation I said that was impossible and she asked why, I gave a couple of reasons but said there were others and she somehow persuaded me to write a list. She has read the list and written a response to each point and we are going to see what happens next. I hope nothing happens next and she leaves me alone and stops trying to chip away at my defences, but a small part of me hopes she can help somehow because I am fed up of feeling like an emotional wreck.