I'm a walking broken mirror. What the hell is going to help me?

[MandKsMam]

I won't go into too much detail incase this is a waste of time but my mental health is deteriorating and has been on a downward slope since 5 years ago.

I was going to run away today and tried booking a hotel with my son in tow (just turned 1 a few days ago) but it failed twice. I pulled over, broke down in tears, rang the crisis team, threw my phone down at one point through sheer anger by talking about my other half & she encouraged me to go back home.

I'm very complex. I have depression, social anxiety and apparently anxiety. I've wanted to hurt, stab or kill my other half over the past about 6 months. I have a cpn who I dont find helpful and the woman who provides DBT to me, well thst seems to not be happening. I have no emotional support from anyone apart from my other half, when he can be arsed. I don't see my friends who live behind a phone screen but not close enough to tell them just how shit things are. CBT hasn't helped me. This DBT isn't making me feel any better.

My other half is now throwing things about cos I'm on my phone (which is a fucking rarity!!!!!!!!) I have no life. I just don't know what will make me better apart from just ending it all and be fucking done. So sorry for the swearing but SOOOOO angry for having no support from family or friends

I’m really sorry you feel so completely unsupported.
You need to get your DS safe. If you can’t look after him right now then who can?
What are you supposed to do when you feel like this? Call who??

I don't have anyone to help me with him. I have two other daughters too who are 3 and 5. It's an awful thing to say but I hate being on my own with them. My other half is in bed for nightshift tonight. I'm so mentally and physically exhausted and have broke down so many times through it since he was born. I have so much anger towards my other half from when he was a week old. I suddenly started bleeding very heavily so had to run to the toilet as he was going to bed for nightshift. I'd pisded hom off shouting for him cos I needed his phone & couldn't move off the toilet for the amount of blood coming out of me. He angrily gave me his phone. I was suppised to go to hospital but had no one to help me. There was blood on tge floor which he probably ignored. He wasn't that bothered when I told him about it the next day. Absolutely EVERYTHING is left to me. I've got short term memory problems and can't organise life. We have a family worker but she's disappeared since before Xmas.

This was all brought on from the sherr exhaustion and overwhelmed feelings I got from my 1 year olds and 5 year olds party yesterday. I hated it, the having to frigging do everything with ZERO help from my other half to do the who leadership stuff that I don't have. It was awful having to make myself speak to parents so I didn't get slagged off for ignoring them. I didn't hardly see my 3 kids, I was too ocvupied with background stuff. It was at a soft play which I thought would be zero stress but it's pushed me over the edge.

I'm supposed to ring the crisis team in out of hours times. My cpn during the week but she doesn't come up with solutions or helpful things, it's all "you shouldn't be so hard on yourself" and "it is hard with 3 under 6". It doesn't help!!! I don't know what they're supposed to do but just talking doesn't help. I need proper support but I don't know what. Some friends would be nice but mams at mam groups see 3 heads on me and don't speak to me and mams at these groups aren't looking for friends anyway. I've been looking for friends at these groups since my 5 year old was a baby and only found one, and that's on and off. How hard is it to find friends man?!

Soooo hard sometimes.
Can’t your partner take over for a bit?
Can you call crisis team?
Do homestart (right name?) operate where you are?