Feeling suicidal with children

[Wildflower11]

Morning. I just generally want to off load, I’m feeling really really bad lately, I suffer from anxiety & PA, & this is the worst I’ve ever been, my thoughts are becoming less & less logical, more erratic, I don’t know how I’m getting through the day, I can’t eat, every thing I try to eat I vomit back up with half an hour, I can’t sleep, & when I do manage to drop off as soon as my body stirs I’m back plunged into a crippling PA. I keep shaking uncontrollably aswell, I just don’t know what to do anymore I feel like I can’t cope with feeling like this anymore, I’ve been put on fluoxetine & beta blockers but I don’t think either are making any difference at all, I wish u could jus take a pill that would take these horrible symptoms anyway for a few hours, anything to end to craziness I feel. Also I have 3 small children & the day to day tasks are becoming So hard, feeding. Cleaning, can’t remember the last time I did a food shop or laundry, I wish I could atleast think that there’s always suicide when things become too unbearable, but I could never do that to my children. I don’t know what to do anymore

Sorry to hear this - are you under the care of a perinatal mental health team (is your youngest under 1). They usually have a crisis number which I’d be phoning if I were you. I have 2u2 and understand the utter relentlessness and sleep deprivation and how this can impact on you psychologically.

Do you have any practical help around ?

I also meant to say - I’d see a Doctor ASAP

I am going to call the doctors tomoro, I saw a the gp last week & that’s when the beta blockers were prescribed but I don’t feel like it’s helped much at all. Help wise, I hav a very loving family who all know about my anxiety issues but I do play it down hugely so I don’t think they realise how serious it’s becoming, it’s very hard to understand someone’s irrational thoughts when yours are totally normal isn’t xx

Also meant to say my youngest is 2, those 3 are the only thing keeping me going

Do you have a partner OP and do they know that you're feeling suicidal? I know it can be hard to communicate your feelings to someone who doesn't suffer as you do, but it's important that your DP knows how you feel. If this is the worst that you've ever felt they need to know that too, because I think nowadays it's so normal to have anxiety or depression and for people to know that, but whether they understand what is going on in your head is another matter. I'm glad you're going to the GP tomorrow, but please try to communicate your desperation to your nearest and dearest. Tell them that you're really on the edge, that you're not sleeping, etc. You need help

Samaritans: www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

I am wishing you all the best. You can get through this. The very fact that you have your children at the forefront of your mind shows what a good person you are.

What I am about to suggest sounds a bit strange to me as an english person. But! I live in Australia - not a country noted for being religious But again! I have come across people turning to the church here when they are in difficulties. I am not religious but work in a religious school (most are here) and have heard stories about how these churches help people in your situation who just ring up out of the blue and say me and my children need help. They don't judge, they just help. Maybe going to your local church or salvation army could be a way forward. It may be intimidating, but these are very kind-hearted people, who will listen at the very least and point you in the right direction.