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Need to share somewhere

5 replies

GrievingAndResentful · 23/01/2020 14:03

Hi, I've done a nc so I can rant without it being linked back to my previous posting history.

In (large) nutshell, I come from a family very affected by autism and mental health issues.

My son had two long periods of nearly a year in mh wards as a minor and wasn't usually in a good place inbetween. He was diagnosied in GOSH as having Asperger's syndrome, GAD and an executive functioning disorder

As a young adult he had difficulties again and was sectioned. His discharge was not followed through very well and he returned home to his college city without support.

On a visit shortly after his father, my husband, was visiting and he could not wake our son in the morning. He was dead of an accidental cocktail of precription and recreactional drugs.

My husband was very clearly autistic and very ill with heart and lung condidtions and spinal problems that had him in a lot of pain.

Well, we moved, partly to get away from the memories of our old home, but my husband died in his bed of a heart attack two weeks after we moved.

Now I am not in a great place myself, mental healthwise, and have just discovered that my brother is in deep trouble. He lives about an hour's drive from me know. He's autistic too. He ignores problems and doesn't open mail. I've rescued him before, whilst supporting my son and husband. Got him an advocate, an assessment and help from Social Services, phoned courts and utility providers to keep his supplies going, negotiated budget repayments for him. All in another town to where I lived.

Now a mutual friend has messaged me - She's been involved and opening his letters, trying to get support for him, but can do no more. He has a CCJ against him and more building up. No money at all and using a foodbank. So I've arranged for a food delivery from Sainsbury's, spoken to SS on his behalf and messaged someone from CAB who is meant to be sorting an advocate for him and helping him with UC and PIP claims.

The trouble is, I'm so angry with him and it's not his fault. He's autistic, possibly bi polar, got PTSD from childhood abuse and he can't cope. I just don't want to take on his neediness when I am so not in a good state myself. I refuse to bail him out financially - it would do him no favours long term and he already owes me thousands.

I need to come somewhere and get it all off my chest. Thanks for reading, if anyone did.

OP posts:
PurpleFrames · 24/01/2020 04:38

I'm so sorry for your losses it must be A terrible time to you.

Please don't take anything to heart while your relative is unwell.

Sending positive vibes and hope they improve soon. Wish I could be of more help zOp x

AuntyElle · 24/01/2020 04:52

I’m so sorry, Grieving. What an incredibly brutal time you’ve had. I’m not very clear-thinking at this time of day, but will come back later. And I’m sure others with more direct experience will be along. Flowers

AuntyElle · 24/01/2020 11:34

You’ve done so much for your brother already. Does he have any ongoing support as a result of the Social Services assessment? I think there have to be some boundaries/limits otherwise that situation will be so draining for you. Flowers

GrievingAndResentful · 24/01/2020 14:11

Thanks @PurpleFrames and @AuntyElle. It does help having somewhere to come and say just how I feel about all this. You responding makes me feel I'm not just ranting into the ether.

I didn't say before - condensed it out of my nutshell version - that my brother has also moved. So he is no longer in the county where he saw SS and had a care assessment. There was no ongoing SS support anyway - she just pointed him at some supportive social voluntary type activities. She didn't even know about services provided by the local branch of the Autistic Society, and I found the advocate from a charitable organisation.

Now the situation is that he has already had a phone assessment in the new area and this is very inadequate. He'll be asked things, and answer in the best possible light. I've asked for a new face to face assessment with me present so that I can correct and expand his answers. I'm not sure who to chase up about that but I only requested this from the duty SW yesterday. I've a horrible cold atm, but plan to see him early next week to go through his mail, And try and set up some system for him to deal with mail.

You are so right about needing boundaries! Hence getting him support rather than doing it all myself. If he can get supported and getting benefits I can step back.

To throw into the equation as well, my daughter has two babies and I'm trying to stay with her family a couple of days a week too. She's just over an hour's drive away. It benefits her having an extra pair of hands during the day, but also keeps me in a more normal sleeping pattern and in touch with the normal world. On my own I drift into being awake all night with my thoughts and being reluctant to leave the house.

Thanks again for replying to me.

OP posts:
AuntyElle · 24/01/2020 21:54

Getting things in place and then stepping back definitely sounds a good plan.
You sound so kind. Life is so desperately unfair.
I can imagine the babies are anchoring and heartening. How old are they? I hope you cold at least lifts. Flowers

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