My ds13 just held a knife to his wrist

[Wejustdontknow]

I honestly can’t believe I am writing this but my ds6 has just found ds13 stood in his bedroom holding a craft knife from a art set to his wrist.
For background, ds is normally a well rounded if not slightly anxious child, generally well behaved and we all get along for the most part relatively well. The teen years have not been too difficult but ds has often struggled with what he feels as me and dp being mean or to strict. I honestly don’t think we are but try to take any feedback on board to make sure we all get on well. Tonight after tea we started to clean up the kitchen, ds got something out of the drawer and said it was dirty so needed re-washing, the thing was a tub for pack-ups that has 3 parts. He put it all by the sink, I said only the one part of it needs washing so put the others to one side, he said no it’s all dirty, I checked it and it looked perfectly clean so I said it looked fine, he again said it was dirty and pointed to a spot that again looked perfectly clean to me so I said ok you wash up then and I will dry (normally he dries) he then went completely off on a major melt down saying not was completely unfair that I was making him wash and I was always so mean. I said fine I will do it all you go upstairs and sit on your bed if you don’t want to help but if you do that you will have no screen time for 24 hours as I honestly didn’t think I was saying anything unfair. He then completely lost it shouting at me and said I was obviously stupid so unable to comprehend what he was saying so I then also got angry and said right go upstairs and you will have no screens for a week if you want to be rude to me.
Cleaned up the kitchen then went to go upstairs with ds6 for his bedtime routine, he goes into the bedroom then shouts mum, ds13 has a knife.
Completely panicked I run upstairs to find him stood with a craft knife to his wrist and he said this will make you listen!
I am so shocked and kept repeating to him to give me the knife, ds6 started crying and ds13 walked from the room and threw the knife down in the hallway, the blade was still inside not out if that makes sense.
I took him downstairs whilst dp calmed down ds6.
Ds13 has now calmed down, says he is sorry and didn’t mean to scare or hurt anyone, himself included but just wasn’t thinking and wanted a reaction.
I have been in tears since this happened about 39 mins ago, both me and dp have spoke to him as surely this is not something someone should think to do. I have phoned work and said I won’t be in tomorrow and have told ds I am taking him to the doctors as he clearly needs to speak to someone and find a way to deal with anger.
I am sir eh this is so long but just needed to get down what has just happened, does anyone have any advice please as I have never been in any situation like this before and have no idea what to do right now.
I have put ds6 in bed with me as they share a room and he is scared to be near ds13 right now which breaks my heart

I am responding as I don't want you to feel on your own. Someone may come along and give a better response but I think your doing the right thing by making sure both boys are comforted. Try not to be frightened. It is scary but sometimes teens do daft things because they feel overwhelmed. We can think through things better than they can. Your ds6 needs you to acknowledge that it was really scary for him. That is must be all confusing and hard to understand. That his big brother got upset and made a mistake. He realised he made a mistake and he is sorry. That ds6 will be ok and that if he doesn't feel ok or worries then you will help him. Get ds6 to bed. Then make sure that you spend time empathising with the big scary emotions ds13 must be feeling. That is must be really hard to feel that no one listens to him. And that you will try to put that right. Please don't let him know that you are frightened. Let him know that you have strong shoulders and you can sort things with him. Nothing is too hard or too big a problem. Dont make a big deal out of the dr. Encourage him to talk but don't push him. Is there someone you can talk to? You need some moral support too!

I would try and get your DS some counselling when you go to the Dr’S.
He needs help with processing his feelings.
Does he see his dad?

Thank you so much for your reply,
Ds13 apologised to ds6 for scaring him. He did seem to calm down afterwards and says he realised he took it too far and says he had no intention of really hurting himself.
I am not sure I have dealt with it as well as I could with hindsight as I was just so shocked. He has agreed to come to the doctors but does suffer with some anxiety so said he didn’t want to talk but I have said we will go in together and I will speak first and we will take it from there.
He said he was tired and wanted to go to bed so we said our goodnights and I told him I loved him as always. I guess it’s just a case of talking to the doctor tomorrow and taking it from there, we generally give ds13 the freedom most teens have such as being in the house alone such as when we take ds6 to activities in the evening or when I am at work on a Saturday and dp goes out, I don’t want to over punish ds or make him think I am being unreasonable but also feel I have lost the trust I had in him before tonight so unsure how to proceed right now.
I think going forward I want him to open up more about how he is feeling and find some way to deal with his emotions rather than having outbursts similar to a toddler tantrum, although it doesn’t happen often when he thinks he is in the right there is just no reasoning with him.
Thank you for taking the time to reply, just typing on here is helping me and I have calmed down slightly now, not sure I will be able to sleep much tonight though

His biological father has never been involved and didn’t want to be, he has been raised for the past 10 years by my current partner and sees him very much as a father figure. They get on very well most of the time but I do think their relationship could be much stronger by spending time together 1-1 which they don’t seem to do. The issue tonight did not involve dp tonight although he was in the house it was me that ds was upset with which is rare, we get along very well and have a really close relationship usually.
I said I think he needs counseling, he does not like to talk to strangers or about his feelings but I do think he struggles and gets overwhelmed at times and when that happens he fails to see sense, it’s happened once or twice before and he always agrees afterwards that what was asked of him was not unreasonable and he just over reacted but I never thought he would do anything like he did tonight.
Thank you as well for responding

I dont think you will get very far with putting consequences in to be honest. He may be feeling embarrassed now and unsure how to sort it with the family. Maybe in the morning tell him that ds6 needs th know his big brother is ok and that he was scared for him. Give ds13 the chance to think about others but sint be surprised if he doesn't. It's the curse of being teen unfortunately. Along with regressing to toddler tantrums temporarily. The tantrums wont last. It sounds as though ds13 doesnt have many (lucky you). Sometimes letting it wash over you can help your own mental health. Pick you battles and all that. Most of the time they forget they've even lost it, while we are still simmering. It's rubbish being a teen and managing school, peers and social media. It's so much harder now. They can't put a foot wrong without everyone knowing. Si what I'm trying to say is, when you're in the middle if it all, try to remember that it won't last.

Thank you, it helps to get other opinions as it’s hard to see straight when it’s someone you love so much. I don’t want to get it wrong and make him feel pushed out or that he isn’t our first priority along with his brother. I will approach it tomorrow hopefully with a fresh head but can’t help but we’ll up with tears when discussing it as I feel I must have failed somewhere to get to this stage

*well not we’ll

You haven’t failed. He is a teenager ,a hormonal maelstrom of thoughtless action.
Teenagers don’t think things through, they act on impulse and he is probably realising he made a gross error of judgment.

I did a course on parenting teenagers 4 years ago, which was helpful, but even today I had a huge row with my 18 year old son!

As Scarlett O’Hara said: “Tomorrow is another day!”

No this isn't about you having gone wrong with him. As pp said it's adolescence with all its impulsiveness, hotheadedness etc. Don't flog yourself about this. Be kind to yourself and to him. Teens do all sorts of stuff. He's said he feels he needs adults to listen more. He got angry. They don't have as much power and control over their lives as us and they aren't fully in control of themselves yet. It's frustrating for them and life gets confusing.