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Hand hold

43 replies

Ilovealfieandannierose · 20/01/2020 22:42

I feel very suicidal tonight and very alone. I am so tired.

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Ilovealfieandannierose · 21/01/2020 08:12

All hit me again as soon as i opened my eyes. I don't want to be in my head anymore.

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Wereallsquare · 21/01/2020 09:02

Good morning, OP. I am sorry that things are still rough this morning. Is it possible for you to take a walk or make a phone call this morning?

Mischance · 21/01/2020 09:13

I too am sorry that you have woken with this burden still there. Please reach out for help in real life. We are all here for you; but you also need some urgent help locally.

One thing to remember is that, however unwell a mother might be, their children still need and love them. Hang on in there.
Flowers

Ilovealfieandannierose · 21/01/2020 09:38

I saw my care co yesterday and she said we have exhausted everything secondary mh services can do and they are going to discharge me. There is no more help.

I don't want to do anything to hurt my kids, honestly I love them so so much. But I just can't take it anymore.

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Ilovealfieandannierose · 21/01/2020 09:38

Going to try and go to the gym. See if that helps.

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Wereallsquare · 21/01/2020 10:15

The gym sounds like a good idea. I am thinking of you and will check in with you here today if you are on MN.

AmelieTaylor · 21/01/2020 14:18

Afternoon 😊

I hope you took my lazy arse to the gym with you!?!

I’m sorry you weren’t able to be with your DC on their birthday...are they twins?

My EX has 3 brothers / all 4 birthdays in the same week- all 4 years apart , so could have been same day. We used to joke bonfire night was the only night his Dad got his leg over and only every 4 years 🤣

I’m sorry you’ve had such incredible struggles. There are a LOT of people on MN who have - you’re far from alone. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult it is for you, but one thing I know FOR SURE is that your children would not be better off without you. There are (again) a significant number of posters on MN who lost parents to suicide and NEVER in all the years I’ve been here (well over a decade) have I ever heard them say anything other than they wish they were still here.

Your kids love you, your their Mum - even if other people help to care for them YOU are their Mum & they love YOU 💕

I have lost all hope that anything will help me. I know people will think pull yourself together and all that, I have tried so hard

You’ve probably heard it’s million times, but where there’s life, there’s hope. There’s always hope. 🌷We are a mad bunch but we are here when you need others to help you find your hope again and despite it being ‘just the Internet’ people really do care. Truly.

It is sunny here today - is it there?

I’m just going to walk down into the village and have a coffee on the local church run cafe. It’s a ‘proper’ Café, but they are all volunteers (bar the manager). It has a pretty little garden and it’s a nice place to sit outside (scarf, gloves & body fat will keep me warm enough despite the fact it’s damn cold out! ).

I’ll check in from there in a bit to see what you’re up to this afternoon x

AmelieTaylor · 21/01/2020 15:17

Well that was an Epic Fail SS fsr as sunshine goes, as I stopped to chat to a neighbour and now the sun is behind the building 🙄🤣 still. I have ☕️🍰 (they’re home made & fundraising for the church charity, so it would be awful not to wouldn’t it 🤣)

Did I mention that the only time I actually go into the church is for the Christmas Market?! I don’t have a religious bone in my body 🤷🏻‍♀️).

I hope you come back soon, it’s a bit quiet in here!!

Wereallsquare · 21/01/2020 16:13

Hello ilovealfie ** How was the gym?

AmelieTaylor · 22/01/2020 11:00

@Ilovealfieandannierose

So, what are you up to today? Gym or work
Or something nice?!

After the sun yesterday, today’s weather isn’t welcome (grey & damp). The power cut this morning hasn’t helped any - the power is back on, so I need to climb up into the loft to restart the boiler. I have a loft ladder so it’s not usually a problem, but I currently have bad knees so getting in & out the loft is a bit of a trial 🙄

I have so much to do, but I’m
SO tired I just can’t get myself going (despite having been out the house at 6:30 this morning and driven 60 miles).

Ilovealfieandannierose · 22/01/2020 12:58

Sorry i didn't come back yesterday. The gym helped and the intensity of the overwhelming feelings reduced.

Hope you are feeling a bit less tired Amelie, after what sounds like a hell ish morning.

Yes I have twins. They have just turned 5 and they are delicious. I feel so guilty for feeling awful. They are incredible and deserve better.

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Wereallsquare · 22/01/2020 18:41

Great to "see" you and so pleased that things are less intense than they were.

Glad the gym helped. In my support group, we advise each other to "put one foot in front of the other" when we feel uncertain. The idea is to just take the first step, even in uncertainty, be it one yoga pose, or just a foot out the door, or changing into exercise clothes or writing one word.

Ilovealfieandannierose · 23/01/2020 08:04

Feel terrible this morning. Constant suicidal planning. Can't make my head think about anything else. Going to walk kids to school then fuck knows.

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Sherloidbaisherloid · 23/01/2020 13:10

How are you feeling op?

Ilovealfieandannierose · 23/01/2020 14:20

A little better thank you.

Managed to go for a run and am working from home on a writing piece today so that's quite nice.

The extremity of the emotional/mood swings is so tough. I am exhausted with it.

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Sherloidbaisherloid · 23/01/2020 14:48

I’m glad you are feeling a bit better Smile I know it’s hard but just keep in your mind that the feelings will subside, it’s easier said than done I know Flowers

AmelieTaylor · 23/01/2020 23:52

Nice to ‘see’ you again!

The twins are 5. I think that’s a fun age, but tiring!!

Do you have the kids this weekend?

I’m not surprised you’re exhausted and I have no idea how to stop you ‘planning’- I wish I did!

Just remember your kids love you just as you are, you’re their mummy & being loved by you is pretty much everything to them. Enjoy it, as once they’re teenagers-it’s friends & cold hard cash 🤣

Ilovealfieandannierose · 25/01/2020 23:18

I really want to close my eyes and not wake up

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