Can't get over the end of therapy and miss my therapist too much

[endoftherapy]

I had several years of psychotherapy, more than once a week (it was psychoanalytic psychotherapy so this is not unusual) that ended about two years ago. I was paying for it privately. The ending was sort of mutually agreed and planned well in advance although I felt my therapist pushed me to do it even though I didn't feel ready... but she thought it would be good for me. (And I guess you can't see a therapist forever so it had to happen sooner or later...)

I just can't get over the end and miss my therapist so much it hurts. A lot of my issues are around attachment and relationships anyway so I'm not surprised, I just don't know how to cope. It's like a bereavement but worse because it's not exactly something you can talk about with friends... She was so kind, and also so clever, creative and interesting and we had such interesting discussions and she helped me a lot. Often I got so much from just being in the room, it was my safe space and I felt safe and comfortable with her.

I've also noticed a lot of my other issues (especially anxiety) were better while I was seeing her because the sessions supported me so much but now everything has just got a lot worse, it's like a downward spiral. Things are just getting worse all the time, not better, and I miss her more and more. She was also very boundaried and obviously I understand it was a professional relationship and had to end. At the same time I can't help my feelings.

She initially allowed me to contact her afterwards and I did but only a couple of times and we had a couple of follow up type sessions in the first year after the ending. I recently contacted her to tell her how I felt now and asked if she would see me again to help me work out what would help, and she's said no. I feel absolutely heartbroken.

I understand she is completely within her rights as a professional to say no and doesn't owe me anything, and she's also saying it's because my work with her is done and it wouldn't help to go back. So it's not like she's being horrible about it really, and I do understand. But she did say she suggests I find someone else to talk this through... (another therapist)

I don't know what to do. I feel there are lots of unresolved issues still but I feel like such a failure and so rejected... Earlier last year I wrote to her about something that happened to me and at the time she said I could see her if I wanted to talk in person, but I never took up that offer. Now I feel like an idiot for not making an appointment then, like I missed my chance, as she's now saying I can't see her again. I'm also quite angry about it because I spent a lot of money on the therapy over the years and can't particularly afford to start more therapy with someone else now. I got lots out of the therapy and I'm not at all saying she did anything wrong or that it was a waste of time or didn't work. Just that there is still more work to do because my attachment issues are still a mess. It's probably just me, I always felt weird and different ever since I was a child and I still do.

My life is really shit anyway, I'm in my mid-30s and just feel hopeless about the future. I'm not suicidal though. I'm just feeling depressed, my anxiety has got so much worse in the past year and now I feel I have no support. I have some good friends but this doesn't feel like something I can discuss with them because they are all really "normal" and haven't even needed therapy or don't have all these issues I do.

I don't know if another therapist would even see me now after I had so much therapy before. I'm not exactly a great prospect as a client. And I'm really worried I'll just get similarly attached to the new therapist and can't resolve it with them either.

I hope you don’t mind me asking OP, but have you ever been diagnosed with anything? I have BPD and attachment issues and a lot of that rang true x

I don't mind you asking at all, but no I haven't other than clinical depression years ago. But I haven't really seen my GP about mental health for about ten years, or tried to get a referral even though I've wondered about BDP and also about some degree of autism before because of the way I relate (or don't) to other people... At the same time, I feel like I used to be able to completely hide I had any issues, and still do really. If you met me socially you would probably think I'm fine. I actually used to work in the field of mental health for many years. I know a lot about NHS service provision through that and I know I wouldn't really get the help through them (lots of people with much, much more serious issues don't, from what I've seen). That's why I went privately to therapy.

She said no because it would be inappropriate given your feelings for her. Google transference. Did she recommend that you see someone else? I think you'd find it helpful.

I’m sorry to hear that OP. In my opinion your old therapist has not behaved well. I think it is common for an old client to re-contact a therapist and go back for more sessions, and I think that a good therapist always leaves the door open for clients and lets the clients stop when they are ready. I have a different point of view to Peach Green. I think that most people get pretty attached to their therapist, I think that the nature of therapy - having someone solely focused on you, breeds it. I don’t think that should be a reason for a therapist not to see a client again. I also think that many people see more than one therapist, so I don’t think that a new therapist will not want to see you because of this. I can relate to your worries about this as I myself have seen more than one therapist, and when I started seeing my current one I was loathe to tell her this, especially as I had a bad experience the first time, but she was very accepting of my viewpoint on my first therapy experience, and I’ve found therapy with her to be really helpful. I found it hard to find the right person and interviewed several before I found her.

I am reading this bread with interest because I have been thinking about seeking more counselling and would love to reconnect with my therapist.

But, it was provided brought work and I don’t know if she does private work. It seems like too much effort to explain my whole background to someone new. It took ages to get to know and trust her.

I think what you are experiencing is totally Normal. But of she is certain that this door is closed, I think it’s time to find a new therapist.

peachgreen Yes I understand transference very well, and the whole point in psychoanalytic therapy is to work in/through the transference, it's not a reason to stop seeing a client. Having "feelings" of all kinds for a therapist is normal. She always knew I was attached to her and we worked on it lots, just not enough I guess or I wouldn't feel like this now...

I think I probably will contact another therapist, even if I only end up seeing someone else once or a few times, I think it will help me decide either way whether more therapy would help.

If you worked on it and she felt she couldn't see you any more than I guess she probably felt she couldn't help you get through it and it would be healthier for you to see someone else.

Unlike a pp, I don't think she's being unprofessional; quite the opposite. She knows that she's now more part of the problem than the solution and she's putting up a firm boundary, rather than telling you what you'd like to hear.

Of course other therapists will talk to you. Meeting someone new could be really helpful for you, and you could discuss this all with them, including your anger at your old therapist for everything.

Hi OP I really feel for you and Zi think the reason you feel the way you do isn't because of you or anything wrong with you but more the emotional intensity of that type of therapy, then a one sided decision effectively to end. I think that's really hard and for what it's worth I think it's a pitfall if that sort of therapy and your therapist should hear more responsibility.
On the plus side I think if you could possibly find yourself an equally clever therapist but more cbt based clinical psychologist I think it would help you first to manage you life, emotions etc, secondly to heal and let go of this previous therapy. This type is less emotionally based and it may be you've been through that work but need still some work on life, emotions, skills etc etc x

I had 3 years of psychoanalytic therapy twice a week OP and my therapy had to end suddenly due to my analyst having a significant bereavement. Two years on I still miss and grieve for it. There's no way back for me as she is no longer practising. I'm a therapist myself and having experienced and delivered different types of therapy over the years I do think the attachment style psychoanalytic long term therapy which works through object relations and the transference is the hardest to undertake and to let go if its successful as your therapist has essentially become your "good enough" parent. No real advice but sending a empathetic hand hold x ps. as a therapist i see many patients who have ended and then later want to come back

I agree with @ErinLee93 I have BPD too and this hit home.

Have you tried any medication? I was on fluoxetine for 10 years until December.

Hey there OP,
Just wondering if things got any better for you?

I have BPD and I was the same..in fact I've now decided not to do therapy again because the abandonment fears and emotional distress it caused and still causes me made it worse.

I also have BPD and was in twice a week therapy for most of the past four years. My therapy was also pyschodynamic. I personally also had transference for my therapist, but it's something a good therapist can work with and not something that is an automatic "we can't work together".

I have two friends who have been in therapy for 9 + 6 years and are still continuing as they get something from it.

I hope you can see someone else to help you grieve this loss.

I’m a therapist and have also had years of psychoanalysis, it’s very intense especially attending numerous times a week so I can understand your feelings. I found my own ending hard and that was with a year of planning!
You understand transference and I guess you’ve lost your “good enough mother” so are grieving. Most psychoanalysts I know and in my own experience don’t tend to start analysis again once they’ve ended, it’s incredibly boundaried in that way. Unfortunately for you it doesn’t feel like it was you that wanted to stop but maybe your analyst believed it was the right time and that by continuing in the analysis it was creating too much of a dependency
I wouldn’t worry too much about how a new therapist might see this, they will help you work through some of those feelings. It won’t feel the same as with your old analyst but new can be a different type of good.