Flash backs god I'm disgusting trigger rape

[Theodoreb]

I been raped most of my life mostly by my most recent ex 6 years ago.

I keep having flashes at the time I was out of it on amphetamine and manic but what disgust me is while he would rape me I'd laugh in his face and spit at him while he pinned me down how disgusting does that make me? To sit there laughing and when he hit me spitting blood at him telling him to hurt me more that he'd never hurt my mind.

What sort of victim does that? I don't deserve to be called a victim they cry, beg plead I didn't I laughed and told him try harder he would never break me.

I'm such a disgusting freak.

You are not disgusting and definitely not a freak. Everyone is different and every rape experience is unique. There's not a script that every rapist and survivor follow.
I hear you. And I don't think you're a bad person.
Are you getting support? I hope so. If you're not, please find the courage to contact rape crisis or make a GP appointment.
I had a similar, not exactly the same, but similar experience to you. It took me a long time to realise I didn't need to forgive myself - because actually I wasn't the bad person in the situation.

I had therapy from new pathways over a year but I was always too ashamed to admit how I behaved whilst it was happening although my psychiatrist knows as we have a very good bond. Most of the time I'm fine but today I keep having flashes as my mood is dropping feel really low. I can't even let someone I don't know and trust really well even touch my hand I have been single since and plan to stay that way.

At the time I really did think it was funny because I was manic I knew nothing would hurt me and back then I intended on dying on drugs while manic so didn't think I would ever have to face it so his attempts to hurt me were funny.

But now I'm not manic and I keep seeing it happen over and over again.

Sorry meant to say I'm awful sorry that happened to you and thank you so much for replying I don't want to be alone right now.

You are not disgusting. You used a coping mechanism to get through what you were experiencing.
Please dont ever be ashamed, ever.

@littlemissmonday it seemed important to me not to let him see any weakness or that he had achieved anything or hurt me I don't know if that makes sense. But it was important to me that he never saw me cry.

I have bipolar and am fully aware of how it feels to be manic. I have done and said the weirdest things in that state. But only very recently have I been able to admit the bravado is to prevent anyone thinking me weak. I also used to self medicate with non prescription drugs (ahem) years ago when I was a young woman. Again this was part of my mask.
I had flashbacks for years and thought I'd never recover.
I'm in my late 40s now and yes, I have bad days/episodes but they are vanishingly rare compared to what I used to be like.
There is hope. I was a basket case when I look back. But the wonderful things now I barely ever DO look back.
I wish the younger me could see future Me as for a long time I thought I was a ruined person. I'm not.
Your strength and courage are still there Theodoreb . You will get perspective and peace in time, even if you can't imagine that today. I'm living proof.

@Mummaofmytribe I already know I will get peace as this already happens less frequently and is less severe each time. I just hate the person I become when I am manic but at the same time I love her for she enabled Me to survive situations I shouldn't have survived, some days I want to be her so much to feel no fear and be free but then I remember what I lost being her and it fills me with fear becoming her again.

Flashbacks have stopped now so I feel a bit better today. Thank you for helping.

I just wanted you to know you're not alone OP.. Hope you have a better day today

@Mummaofmytribe sorry if it didn't sound like it but I am grateful and hearing about you was helpful thank you.

theodoreb lordy, I wasn't expecting you to be grateful!! I didn't do anything, I was just sharing my experience with you - as when I was first in the grip of mania, and then later having flashbacks to my abuse, I didn't have a fucking clue what was going on or why I seemed to be so different to other women who'd had similar experiences. They all seemed to have reacted totally differently to me and I felt like s freak for a long time..
I'm mostly at peace now. Not with what happened, but with who I am and what I did to survive. So, yeah, your post just struck a chord when you were feeling a bit desperate before, and I thought that I probably had an inkling of what you were going through .
All the very best to you, most sincerely.

Yea that sounds spot on I always find it hard coming out of a mania I don't like remembering as it upsets me greatly as like you said your reaction is so different. And people don't realize that even consensual sex while manic which is a bit out there can be very traumatic come the end of the episode let alone rape.

I hear ya

There's no normal reaction to an abnormal situation. You should never have been in that situation in the first place. It's not your fault and you didn't do anything wrong x