In my first year of uni I was in a long distance relationship. I was immature, cheated on my boyfriend several times, drank ridiculous amounts of alcohol etc.
One night I was out (drinking) with some friends, spent the night flirting with a guy (a friend of a friend) he walked me back home, we ended up in my room. We kisssed, he wanted more, i said no, he didn't take no for an answer.
Afterwards I locked myself in the bathroom and made some drunken hysterical phone call to my boyfriend. The next day I just wanted to forget all about it. My boyfriend tried to talk to me about it but I didn't want to. I can't remember now exactly what I told him but I'm not sure he really knew exactly what had happened. I didn't tell anybody else about it.
I convinced myself it wasn't a big deal and to this day to some extent feel the same way. It wasn't some random violent attack by a stranger. I was drunk, invited him into my room and kissed him. I just feel really dramatic and over the top calling it rape.
He didn't use a condom and i wasnt on any contraception. My period was late but it wasn't that unusual. When it did come it was heavy and I had some bad pain and almost fainted but didn't think much of it just relieved I wasn't pregnant. A few months later I split up with my boyfriend and I didn't ever really think about that night that much.
Years later im married and we'd been trying for a baby for about 6months. Suddenly out of the blue one night I wake up and can't breathe and I'm thinking about that night. I get it in my head that maybe I did get pregnant that night and my period was a miscarriage and that my body's now damaged and I can't have children. I had a few of these panic attack episodes at night until eventually I got pregnant. All is good and we have a healthy baby. The panic attacks stop and again I pretty much forget all about that night. I didnt ever tell my husband about it and he didn't know about the panic attacks.
We now have two children 6 and 4 and I've started getting these panic episodes at night again. I don't understand why it's happening because I honestly don't see what happened as that big a deal. It was a long time ago, about 15 years now. I wouldn't say that I felt I deserved it- but my behaviour at that time, when I was in a relationship, was shameful. I was drinking a lot, flirting a lot, kissing random people and did have consensual sex with a couple of guys. It really didn't affect me that much at the time. I suppose I just thought of it as another drunken one night stand that I regretted and tried to forget that I hadn't wanted/agreed to it.
I just feel so pathetic about it affecting me now. When im in that panic mode I think back to that night. I feel like I was scared and worried about what else was going to happen - was he going to beat me or even kill me. I think back to being in the bathroom and I'm scared and confused. I want my boyfriend to come, to make me feel safe but he can't because he's miles away.
But I feel like I cant tell if these were my real emotions. Like I don't know if I ever actually felt those things at that time, or if it's just something my mind is making up. I think at the time all I really felt was shock and aftrerwards I felt shame.
It's made my think about my ex a lot too which I don't like. Not in a romantic way or anything like that. I'm happy with my husband and know my ex wasn't right for me. But it's made me think about him and the relationship we had. When I'm scared and panicked at night I think about my ex and it's him I want to reach out to, to come and make it all better. I know that he would comfort me in a way that my husband can't. My huband isnt 'emotional'. We're not the kind of people to talk about our feelings etc. If I told him about what happened I think he would be like 'well that wasn't nice but its in the past move on and get over it- what are you making a fuss about?'.
I feel like my normal happy life is suddenly spinning out of control. I guess the answer is to go get help, see a counsellor or something but I just dont know if I can...