There is no joy or even basic ok-ness. Life is endless drudge

[WhyNotMe40]

I'm hating my job.
I hate my life - and I bloody chose it.
I never have any fun and have no enjoyment in life.
I've had loads of therapy already over the years. Tried loads of different drugs.
I have lovely kids, a nice husband, nice but small house. Some friends (none close but people who say hello and meet up occasionally)
It's never going to get better is it? I've tried everything and I'm fed up of waiting for life to start being enjoyable.
My brother drank himself to death and my mother is as self centered as a spinning top. No other family.
What do I do now?

What are your dreams?

If I could wave a magic wand and make anything happen, what would your wishes be?

I’m sorry you are suffering. I wish you happiness. I’d change places with you to avoid living in chronic pain.

So now I feel worse for complaining that I have been woe is me and misery for nearly 30 years.
And I suppose that is compounded when I tell you that I have permanent damage from years of anorexia, bulimia, alcohol and self harm. When I started out with an adequately functional body?

You could also say I'm a drain on the nhs.

If i could wave a magic wand I would have a week of lie ins guilt free with someone I could trust to look after the kids while I laze in bed - who they would be happy with and not cry for me or start shouting etc.
I would have someone else to do the washing and cleaning and nappies and school runs and meal plans and bloody cooking.
I would have a job I enjoyed and didn't make me anxious every evening and day before I work with stomach clenching fear.
I would have friends who would ring up and arrange time to sit and chat without constantly being interrupted by children or mobiles.
I would read, and crochet, and do crosswords and go to live music guilt free.
The weather would be warm and sunny but not enough UV to burn or wrestle kids with suncream.
I could go on but I think I've painted a picture

I'm guessing you're angry with yourself for damaging your health? It is hard to come to terms with that, but you must to be able to move forward. Our bodies can be very resilient and I expect some (if not alot) of the damage can be reversed, through a good diet etc. I always remind myself of my mum saying "there is always someone worse off". You can change your life. Start with the small things and you will get results.

So you need a rest.

You have a nice husband but is he doing his fair share of childcare and housework? Does he know how you feel, and how intensely and desperately you need a rest?

adayatthebeach chronic pain must be horrible.

I do feel for you I really do. Life is crap. I lost my whole house in a fire, got divorced and then my friends all dumped me as I was no longer part of their set. I see my own family for approx 1 day a year - that’s all they can be bothered to spare. 1 day at Xmas They couldn’t really give a f@£k. But we all pretend we are a happy and successful family when we are actually cold as hell. I think I am kind and caring but I have had bullying problems at work and most days I cry myself to sleep. But I am alive and I am a whole lot better off than loads of people who are sick or have sick children or whose partners hit them or worse. I’m poor with a crap job but I’m not starving and I have a roof over my head and a DD who I adore but who drives me mad!

You sound like you have Complex Ptsd. This is from having a traumatic childhood. You should buy the book by Pete Walker: Surviving to Thriving Complex Ptsd.
You can buy it cheaply on EBay.

Also check out Richard Grannon on YouTube he does videos on Cptsd.

Maybe try being grateful for 3 things before you go to sleep, it is supposed to help us be happier with our lot.
Mine tend to be the same each night!
Children
Roof over our heads
Food in the cupboard

Maybe look into changing your job.

Start crocheting and selling items on Depop, Etsy or EBay, especially if it is clothing.

Get activities for the children to do quietly, colouring, reading, Lego.
Then you can remain in bed for longer!

As for family members, if they are toxic go Low contact or No contact with them. Lay down boundaries and look after yourself.

Do what suits you and not what suits them.

TBH my life sounds similar to yours, even down to the anorexia and self harm and crap parents.

I just take each day as it comes now!

Good luck

Thanks Lexie and actually you are not the first to mention complex PTSD, I'll look into it.

I have a half hearted plan to change jobs but it involves expense in retraining, time taken to retrain so no/reduced income, and starting from the bottom again - and I'm mid 40s so it will be a gamble! I will also lose my current term time only contract. - which to be honest is the best bit about my job - and as I have preschool and primary aged children that is a big thing to lose just because I don't like my job. Why should my children have to have school holiday childcare just because mummy is a bit crap? Etc
My new year resolution was to be kinder to myself, but then we as a family had a health bombshell dropped on us and I now have to concentrate on looking after my DC and DH.
My 3 year old is incapable of quiet play with Lego etc for more than 5 minutes, although armed with a (real) screwdriver he will happily take apart mechanical objects and attempt to put them back together for hours. I don't trust him with a screwdriver unsupervised however as he starts taken apart other things. Like doors off hinges and radiators... I'm not even joking! (I was only in the loo as well...)

My DH sort of pulls his weight but he works long hours, and I'm the part time one, so the household burden falls to me - although he does all the jobs that need a phone call like booking Mots and insurance etc as he gets gaps in his work while I don't - I work through lunch and breaks so my DC have Minimal childcare. It's not that I can't do it, it's just I'm fed up with the groundhog Day of it.

I sort of lost my first house. Dh#1 was abusive so I walked out one day with just a rucksack of stuff and never went back. I miss my photos and I couldn't take my dog . I just sent him divorce petition when I was a bit more sorted.
Current DH is not abusive although he still has a temper that only mainly shows by shouting at the kids when they've driven him up the wall. Just normy level of shouting, but I just can't cope with shouting so I try to minimise the length of time he is solo parenting. If we are both parenting and I can see he's getting cross it's fine because I can step in and smooth things over. But I can't relax in a lie in if he's shouting