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Mental health

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Original poster

Mother sectioned, kids witnessed it

21 replies

saturnreturn · 13/01/2020 07:53

NC as very identifiable situation.

My mother has been living with us for 6 weeks since the fire brigade had to force entry at her flat after smoke was reported. They discovered terrible hoarding (she hadn't allowed me in for 6 years before this). She's had complex MH issues all my life and before, which I don't even know the full details of.

My DC (14, 12, 9) hadn't seen her for almost 3 years before she arrived. She has deteriorated in the time she's been with us and in the last week has been almost immobile, living on the couch, and completely resistant to any physical or mental health help (refusing to try and use a zimmer frame, not letting me wash any of her blankets or clothes etc).

Anyway, long story short - she was forcibly taken to hospital last night in a prolonged process - I think it took 20 or 30 minutes for three people to get her out and into a hospital taxi, even though she's so frail and weak. It was horrendous - she was raising the roof, screaming and swearing. But the worst part was that although my kids were shut in the back room with doors closed and headphones on, so didn't see anything, they still inevitably heard a large part of it, and I am racked with guilt at my lack of presence of mind - why the hell didn't I tell my partner to just put them in the car and drive around for half an hour until my mum was away? I can't believe I didn't do anything. I realise now that this is something they'll remember for the rest of their lives, and I feel truly awful about it.

Does anyone have any advice as to how to try and reduce the trauma for them? They seemed not too bad at the time, but DD (12) in particular has been very quiet and subdued since. I'm just kicking myself for subjecting them to that :-(

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Original poster

saturnreturn · 13/01/2020 08:19

Just asked DS2 there how he felt this morning about what he heard last night. He instantly said "Disturbed." God, he's only 9 :-( :-(

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ohwheniknow · 13/01/2020 08:22

Talk to them. Silence and secrecy will only make it worse. It won't protect them.

Explain what happened. Explain what happens next. Let them ask questions. Provide reassurance.

LemonBreeland · 13/01/2020 08:22

Don't beat yourself up about it. You were in a difficult situation and were dealing with the current drama. Just talk to your kids about it, explain about mental health issues and tell them that they can speak to you any time about it.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/01/2020 08:23

I think it’s best to speak to them and explain things- your kids aren’t babies, and I tend to think not knowing/ not understanding something can scare a child more. Let them know you were in control of the situation, there was never a risk to anyone etc.

ohwheniknow · 13/01/2020 08:24

If you don't fill in the gaps of what they didn't see and didn't understand, their imaginations will.

They may also be afraid it could happen to them.

Original poster

saturnreturn · 13/01/2020 11:03

Thanks - I have talked to all of them, right after and again today, and will continue to do so, though I don't want to sound like a broken record. I went to the hospital briefly last night, but just wanted to get home to them as I felt like I'd abandoned them the second this horrible thing had happened, and my priority was them. They do all seem ok today, I'm just worried it's something that might affect them long term, or am I being too melodramatic?

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BorissGiantJohnson · 13/01/2020 11:08

I think you're catastrophising. Sometimes people need to go to hospital and they're old and confused or just don't want to, so it takes some effort to get them the help they need. That's all. They didn't witness an execution or something. I do feel for you,but it's just not the huge psychological scar you think it is. Nobody was harmed. Everything's ok now. Your DM is being helped.

Original poster

saturnreturn · 13/01/2020 11:32

Boriss I was hoping to hear something like that. We've just never had anything like this to deal with before, so I really wasn't sure what effect it could have on children. Feel a bit better now, thank you x

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Woollycardi · 13/01/2020 12:55

Yes, I think they'll be ok. Hopefully you've left it open with them so they can chat to you if and when they need to. Do you have anyone to talk to as well? It must have been hard seeing your mum like that.

HaggardMumofToddler · 13/01/2020 13:02

I agree just be open and honest. Maybe even use a bit of humour in the situation? I know there’s nothing remotely funny about what’s happened but a lot of crazy stuff has gone down in our family and that tends to be how to get through it.

It’s not as bad as you think it is. Your kids will be fine! They are more resilient than you think.

I hope you have someone to look after you though.

Original poster

saturnreturn · 13/01/2020 14:12

Thanks so much, all. There's definitely a bit of humour in the situation, such as when I accidentally washed her glasses at 90 degrees the other day and they completely melted, and that she seems to have been asking for her "prayer book" from hospital today. I think she means her diary - she's the biggest atheist I know!

I'm fine, I have my partner, and it's also a huge relief in many ways. And I didn't actually see much of her being dragged out, the MH team told me it was best not to. Just heard her :-(

As long as I know I haven't scarred the kids for life... :-(

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Fairylea · 13/01/2020 14:18

They will be fine.

You’re talking about it to them, you’re a good mum and love them and these things happen! It’s life.

For what it’s worth I witnessed my own mum being sectioned many times as a young child - she had schizophrenia- and I’m okay. Obviously it wasn’t ideal and was confusing but what made it worse was I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it - your children have you. It will be okay.

FourDecades · 13/01/2020 14:19

What are the plans for her discharge? Will she come back to live with you and you'll be her carer?

lumpy76 · 13/01/2020 14:21

Firstly - I'm really sorry you have to go through this...complex mental illness is very difficult to cope with within a family. Just be honest with the children. My kids were 8.5 yrs and under when my dsis committed suicide (deliberately got herself run over on a dual carriageway) after years of a complex psychotic illness and several suicide attempts and sections. They had been witness to some odd behaviour by her before the suicide and knew she was unwell sometimes and in hospital. Children are generally pretty pragmatic I have found. For the 9 yr old "grandma is mentally ill. She is not well enough to even understand she is ill and so the decision has been made by the doctors to make her go to hospital so they can help her - unfortunately when someone doesn't know they are ill this can be quite upsetting for them but it has to be done. Just like when we have to take medicine that tastes horrid to make us better". That is the truth for now. The older two will probably have a better grasp of what is/has happened so you can probably be more explicit with details if they want them.

Ahdjdkfbdixbsk · 13/01/2020 14:23

NC for this.
I went into a psychiatric ward to see my Mum aged 10. Unpleasant as it was (other patients more than anything) it didn't scar me, I work in mental health services now and have been to visit her in psychiatric hospitals since with no problem.
As others said, talk to them and explain, and find out the answers with them if you don't know.

Theodoreb · 13/01/2020 17:36

My mum was sectioned in front of me what caused the hurt was the fact that nothing was explained to me.

I've been sectioned thankfully my dc have not witnessed it however they have seen some pretty odd behavior of me they are fine we talk about my mental illness nothing is taboo and they are allowed to ask me any question without fear that I'll get upset.

we try to also make jokes for example I'm normally a big tomboy always in men's tracksuits abd when I go manic I go out and buy expensive extremely girly clothes which we laugh at.

The only part which upset them about my mental illness was arguments between me and ex DH when I was unwell he wanted to hide my illness and this upset them just talk about it really and it will be fine.

VivaLeBeaver · 13/01/2020 17:45

I had similar (more than once) with my mum and dd when dd was younger. DD is 18yo and we haven't seen my mum since dd was 12yo. She just laughs about it now and likes telling her friends about her crazy Grandma and recanting stories of her smashing the house up, stabbing my dad, various other crazy stuff. Her earliest memory is of my mum attacking my dad!

So she certainly hasn't been traumatised by it long term.

I think talking is good. Emphasizing that being mentally ill can't be helped, the same way as you can't help being physically ill.

bloodywhitecat · 13/01/2020 18:28

They will be OK, I witnessed my own mum sectioned quite a few times as a child and as a teen. Answer their questions with honesty and let them know you are there if ever they need to chat and they'll be fine. to you all, it is a horrible thing to witness.

Original poster

saturnreturn · 13/01/2020 19:12

Thank you . So sad that some of you had nothing explained to you when you saw someone being sectioned - that's awful.

Viva, oh, gosh, what a first memory to have! Glad she's not scarred by it, though.

lumpy76, thank you, those are wise words about someone not even understanding that they are ill. Will borrow those!

Fourdecades too early to say where she will end up, but it won't be back with us. We're not equipped to deal with her and she rapidly went even further downhill while she was with us. It's just not an option. Can't subject the kids and DP to the whole situation again.

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FourDecades · 14/01/2020 09:53

@saturnreturn just be careful what you agree to carewise. They will promise the world just to get her out of their facilities

We unfortunately had a similar situation with my nanna many years ago and the Social Worker really pushed for us to have her live with us and for them to provide care. We had to be firm and say "no" to everything as l knew that if we even agreed to do one tiny thing, it would escalate.

Original poster

saturnreturn · 14/01/2020 15:43

Thanks, Fourdecades. There is no way she can come back here. She was living in our living room, and I can't provide care - I wasn't doing a good enough job of it as it was. DP and the kids were thrust into the situation with absolutely no warning and as she was so uncooperative and resistant to help, it was a tense and strained six weeks. She would twist my words and at one point said "I am being treated SO badly!" I love my mother, but... never again.

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