Friends treat me differently

[Dollymixture22]

I had a period of anxiety and depression during which things got pretty bad and I had to take a couple of months off work.

That was a year ago and I am doing much better. I have a large group of friends, some of whom know more about what happened than others. We go out as a big group every few months and each time I see them they cock their heads to one, side give me a Sympathetic look and ask how I am. Often while holding both my hands.

I know it sounds silly, but i feel like at the start of every social gathering I have to be reminded about this dreadful period in my life.

I said to a closer friend and she had a word, so now they preface their comments within know you don’t want to talk about it but.......

Anyone else experienced this. I have missed the last few nights out because I just can’t Take it anymore.

Ugh they sound awful. No my friends didn’t behave this way and if they did I’d avoid them like the plague so I don’t blame you. How patronising.

I have a night out with them this week but just can’t face it.

My counsellor kept on talking about going out and spending time with friends. But to be honest it’s making me feel worse. But I am worried I am becoming a hermit😊.

What about a group text just before the next gathering.

Df, I'm looking forward to seeing you all tomorrow, I've been feeling great recently. It's lovely of you all to ask about me when we meet but it has the effect of making me reflect on a hard time when I'm out for fun. So I'd really appreciate it if we could draw a line under it and I promise I'll ask for help in the future if i need it. Thanks again

When they say “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but”, jump in quickly and say “ no I don’t “ and change the subject. Or say “if you know that, why are you bringing it up?” If you don’t feel up to doing that, could you ask your close friend to interrupt and close down the conversation or change the subject. If all else fails, have your closer friend have another “quiet word” and explain that their blatant insensitivity and disregard for your wishes has driven you away.

@FraglesRock good idea. I wonder would I be brave enough!

I would also worry they would then spend the whole evening apologising! The I think part of it is they know something was wrong but don’t know what exactly. So they are fishing for gossip. It wasn’t a secret As such. I am just quite private and only spoke to close family and close friends. They are a large group of about 15 who I went to school with.

But surely even they would understand if I was this direct?

@Frenchfemme I suppose that’s what is annoying me. They are pretending to be caring but not really.

They are quite competitive (well educated groups of ladies all striving to be at he top of their game). One in particular has always been really competitive with me, don’t know why. I really don’t care. I am the single of the group, this girl has a lovely family, but seemed raging I was slightly higher in work than her. It’s like she is now delighted this has happened.

Sorry, I am rambling. Think I will miss the night out. Not sure they are great friends.

Crap, getting all teary and worked up. Never really leaves does it.

They really don’t sound like good friends. I had six months off very recently and am aware of a couple of my close friends just keeping a bit of an eye to make sure I’m happy and comfortable but nothing like you describe.

Wow that’s horrible, I would hate that. To be fair I would also hate it if no one ever mentioned it or asked me how I was doing...I guess it’s a difficult thing to judge sometimes. I try to give my friends as much of the benefit of the doubt as I can, because I know they love me and want to help, even if they don’t know how.

If someone’s had a word though they really should stop, I’d be mortified if someone felt that way about me. They really need to follow your lead because it’s about you, not them.

Is it one particular person you can avoid/have minimal conversation with? Or are you being asked by lots of people one after the other?

If it was me I’d probably say ‘thanks so much for caring about me, I’m doing much better now’ then move the conversation on. I would hope that would work and if you keep doing it hopefully they’ll get the picture. If not then you might need to avoid them and try and find other people to spend time with until you’re feeling stronger.

FWIW I think it’s better to draw the boundaries yourself rather than get a friend to do it if you possibly can. I get that it’s difficult though.

I am maybe just feeling a bit down at the moment. There are four of them who do it every time.

A couple say glad to see you are back to your old self. Which is nice. But the four just come across as patronising. And all they want to talk about. But I also know I am a bit over sensitive.

It’s understandable to be sensitive if you don’t want to talk to them about it, you absolutely don’t have to. You don’t owe anyone explanations about your mental health.

I had a very public, very dramatic mental health crisis a few years ago and honestly I still struggle to look people in the eye sometimes. I don’t know how I’d cope if someone was constantly bringing it up, let alone a whole group of people.

It does sound like they want to help and support you and don’t know how, but it’s difficult to tell. I think politely and gently shutting down the conversation is the way to go. If they’re trying to help they’ll take the hint and move on with you, if not just make an excuse and walk away from them. You don’t need to engage.

I don’t think you need to avoid the whole group as it sounds like there’s still plenty of people who aren’t being like that. It would be a shame to lose that social support.

Spending time with friends is a good idea but these 4 don’t sound like friends. Can you arrange to meet one or two who don’t behave this way?