New here. Have been told that I probably have PND 2 & half years after birth of my twin boys.

[twins2cute]

Hi all I'm new here.

I have been feeling really low for such a long time but have maintained a front of I'm ok and recently I snapped swearing at my MIL and telling her where to go which is so unlike me.

This will be long but i'll start at the beginning. We planned the pregnancy. At 12 weeks the midwife decided to send me for a scan to check my dates as she thought I had them wrong. We didn't get to have the scan until I was 15 weeks. We were told theres 2 you need to go and see your midwife and that was it. I was in total shock at no point had I even thought that it might be a twin pregnancy. We told every body that we needed to and most people were really shocked and saying things like rather you than me & how are you going to manage. Anyway at 16 weeks I was signed off work. At 30 weeks they discovered that the boys were suffering from Twin To Twin Transfusion Syndrome which is an imbalance in the placenta of identical twins (1 gets too much & the other not enough). We had 3 weeks of worry, scans which lasted 2 hours, I could hardly move after them. 2 attempts at c-sections which were cancelled (one half an hour before I was due to have it) due to shortage of incubators. Scannd again & were told we think you will be ok for a couple more days. They were finally delivered at 33 weeks, (golden jubilee weekend). Thankfully they were very healthy. Matthew weighed 5lb 2oz & Ben 4lb 5oz. We only spent 2 weeks in special care and then they were allowed home. We started to get into some kind of routine with them and then I had gallbladder problems. I had a number of hospital stays and eventually had my gallbladder removed. Once again we started to get on track. Then Matthew had a febrile convulsion which lasted over 2 hours. i have never felt so useless in all my life. We ended up in ped. intensive care with Matthew on a ventilator. We now have medication to give Matthew should he have another fit. We then started to look forward to Christmas. The week before, Matthew started to come out in a rash on his face. Ben later in the week. Took Ben to doctors on Christmas eve they thought it was the start of chickenpox! After Christmas my husband was signed off work they think he may have had a kidney stone but the xray and scan didn't show anything so they think he may have passed it. Then both got croup. Went on for a while without anything then in the summer I got a chest infection and ended up in hospital on 2 occassions in MAU. THe first time they told me I had bronchitis & the second time a lower lung infection. the Gp that I saw picked up on how I am feeling and referred me to the surgeries councillor. She came to see me yesterday and told me that she thought that I was probably suffering from PND even though it is now 2 & half years later.

Has anyone else felt like this so long after?

Having the boys (whilst I wouldn't be without them) has been the most isolating, lonely, & emotional time of my life. I crave some kind of normality I tired of going into the town for a walk into the town and being stopped by people all wanting to ask questions about the boys. I just hate the attention that comes with having twins. When people ask me "how do you manage?" I want to scream at them "I don't!" but I always reply its ok! Sorry this has been so long. Its nice to be able to let out what I'm feeling without seeing the reaction of the other person as I know so many people I know just have the attitude that I should get on with it. I do but it has been so hard and some days I would just like to stay in bed. I could waffle for ages. Thanks if you have read all of this post.

twins2cute

You certainly have been pushed in at the deep end, I too have twins but mine are all grown up now 13years, when they were born I already had ds1 who was just 16mths old, I too felt alone, no wonder you have been told PND even if it is 2 1/2 years later, with everything that has happend to you and your family it has become secondary... let it all out on here I'm sure there are others who have had PND who will help just by being there for you. Best of luck Mothernature xx

twins2cute, you have an awful lot on your plate and I can relate to a lot of the feelings of isolation and loneliness that you have. I had PND after ds2 (probably had it after ds1 but just didn't realise). Have you been prescribed AD's ? If so which ones and when did you start taking them ?

This board is a great place to talk about your feelings and the PND but you should also look at the multiple births topic under "Parenting". I'm sure you would get some great support from other mothers of twins who can relate to what you are experiencing with your children.

Hi twins2cute, there are other mums of twins on Mumsnet, so hopefully one of them will see this and be able to help. I don't have any experience of PND, but you seem to have been through so much both before and after the birth. Is the surgeries councillor helping at all? It may help to have someone to talk it all through with.
Do you go to any M&T groups? or have a babysitter near?
Sorry I can't help much, just wanted to acknowledge your post.

took me so long to write that that there are other replies already!

MumsNet is the place for you! I have been struggling with PND for almost the entire first year of ds's life. Just when I think I've got a handle on things something sends me down again. I've learned to try to take it a day at a time.

MN is setting up a depression board for us. Not sure if it is up yet, but you will find lots of other mums to offer support and advice. The MW had thought I was carrying twins at first as I was so much bigger than I should have been at 10 1/2 weeks (she said I was the size of 14 weeks). I was really nervous until the scan showed only one. I can only imagine what it's like with two.

woodstock, this is the depression board [smile}

Hi Twins2cute

I too suffer from PND, It was first diagnosed after 18 months with my first child. It was a scary thing to be told that you suffer with PND. You feel not normal.

It is amazing how normal and how common it actually is. I was told with my third pregnancy the chances are I would suffer again (well there was more chance of it happening again).

I only suffer mildly with it now.

With my first child, I was told to go onto AD's and seek counselling which I refused, I thought.. I can cope! I just went down hill from there.

This time I have done all I can to combat it. I am on the AD's which make you tired at first but after about 2-3 weeks they kick in. I also had counselling which was a great help,,, bit strange at first telling how you feel to a stranger.

Exercise is a great thing to combat PND. Give AD's chance to work if you are offered them and accept them.

Do you have a close friend you can talk to? Someone who will be there if you want to laugh or cry.

Remember there are more people than you realise who suffer with PND. It is an imbalance of hormones.

Take care

Hi Twins2cute,

I have id twin boys now 20 months old - luckily we didn't have TTTS but I remember the stress of the extra scans etc.

It is really common for parents of multiples to suffer PND apparently (I guess both me and Dh have been teetering on the edge of it sometimes over the last 2 years). It is tough having twins, especially when they or you are ill.

I haven't got much to add except sympathy. Also if you haven't already come across it try going over to www.twinsclub.co.uk and look at the forums - everyone there has twins or more, and many are or have struggled though PND - you will get a lot of support and maybe some good advice.

Hi Twins2Cute
I am so sorry that you've had such an awful time. I just wanted to say that you're not alone. My PND was diagnosed shortly after dd was born, I still have it and she is now nearly three and a half. I won't go into too much detail, I've already banged on about it for too long elsewhere, but I didn't start treatment until about 6 weeks ago, and only then because this illness does not go away on its own, and was in fact getting worse. I really wish that I had started treatment earlier, and I would advise that you see your GP and grab whatever help he can give you as it won't go away if you don't look after yourself and seek help.

You would not believe how big a help this board has been to me, and I can assure you that you will get plenty of emotional and moral support if you ask for it here. There are people here to listen, to advise, and sometimes just as shoulders to cry on and if you want to talk, we will listen.

I send you love and hope that you can get yourself some help and start to feel better soon.

Hi Twins2cute, sorry you have been having such a rough time of it since the birth of your twins. It's great that you are already seeking help by seeing the counsellor - it is a really big step to admit that there may be any problem, and to try and sort things out. Your GP/HV should also be able to help - try and approach whichever of these you feel is likely to be most helpful. ADs can be helpful in addition to counselling; of course tho that depends on what your GP and YOU feel is appropriate. Other things that will help are, exercise, relaxation, eating and sleeping well, getting a break from the kids. I realise that with two young twins that must all feel a bit of a short order though. If you are in/near a Surestart or Homestart area, Homestart can provide volunteers to help with practical things, and Surestart sometimes run exercise and other classes during the day with a free creche. I can imagine how precious your time must be, especially with twins; it might help if you discuss with your counsellor quick but polite ways of getting rid of all the cooing strangers and letting you get on with your errands.

take care

Hi there. Just wanted to say hello, and how I feel for you. You have had a really scary time - having a baby is such a dramatic life-changing experience that it is no wonder so many of us develop PND. And you have had two - besides the added health problems! I had PND with all of mine, but because I didn't realise what it was after the first two, did not get help and never really recovered. It was picked up on when I had dd3 and I was prescribed AD's, which really helped (although as soon as I felt I was fine, I came off them - not a good idea). By the time I had dd4, I recognised the symptoms of PND myself, and again had AD's. It really is worth considering them, just to get you over the bad spell, as they let you put you life back into focus again. I am back on them again, and it really is the best thing I could have done - besides talking to everyone on here (thanks again one and all!). Ofcourse, they are not a cure - but you may find one course of AD's is all you need, plus seeing a cousellor is sure to help. And there are other therapies out there that you may consider too. But dont feel bad about how you are feeling - it is so common, and we all understand. When you need to talk, please please do.

when my twins were 2 i was on prozac and had started smoking - i had never smoked before i had twins. my social life was non existant and often thought - if one more fking old lady stops me when am on a mission to do mi shopping and get back beofre they start crying/pooing - am gonna knock her out!

i think my complete dislike of all things baby comes from what i can only describe as the trauma of having 3 small children ( had a 3 yr old when they were born)

all i can say is this ( and i know its not much comfort) when they start school - its fab!!

and i wish i had had the internet or mumsnet i really do - althoughits not the same as goin down the pub - theres some absolutley fab people on here with fab messages that can be not brain taxing - very brain taxing - happy and sad. its a bit of company.

so get it all out -i find writing very cathartic, loads of people will read what you have written and will give you support and hugs.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks for all your replies and for being so kind. ALso thanks for the acknowledgment that you have all made of how tough its been although the people I know all know what i have been through I think that there aren't many of them that put it all together they see each part as a separate thing and I feel that they think I over react and am just miserable. This has made me become really isolated.

Friends & family say to me "you should get out more. It would be good for the boys they need to be out". Then I feel really bad. I just don't have the energy to get ready to go out, let alone physically go somewhere. I would love for someone to phone and say I'll come over and give you a hand and maybe we could go out. That would be so nice! I have got so fed up of having to do the asking all the time. I had to ask for so much help when I was ill & then people took the boys out and I stayed at home.

My GP has suggested AP but I want to try with the councillor to start with and see how I go. I felt that a little weight had been lifted when I spoke to her the other day. To finally admit to someone how hard it has been accepting that I have twins & the guilt that I feel because of that. Also saying how much of a failure I feel as I didn't manage to get breastfeeding established. I feel so bad about that. Having the c sec too was against all that I had pictured. I feel a bit cheated and whilst I know i have 2 lovely boys I feel so sad that I didn't experience any normality in the pregnancy, their birth or afterwards! I also feel that the first year went by in a blur and I can't remember the feelings I had when I held the boys. Maybe because I was so busy doing things I never took time just to sit and cuddle them unless they needed the comfort or thats what I remember thats terrible isn't it. At times I feel like such a c* mother.

I haven't gone along to any parent & toddler groups. Apart from went once (the boys were about a year old) to one and felt like everyone was watching as both boys were having a moment in different parts of the room and I struggled to deal with it. Left in tears after only 30 mins. Nobody offered to help and there must have been 40 mums in there!!

My mum helps out loads but she works full time. She retires next year so maybe things will be better then. The boys are going to nursery in Jan just for 3 morning sessions (2 & half hours). That will make me go out.

Thanks again for being there.

Hi Twins2cute,

you really have to let go any guilt you feel about not managing to breastfeed your boys. Breastfeeding is not always easy (I know from experience), and just having twins is damn hard work, being able to breast feed them successfully should be viewed as a bonus !

And as far as the c-section - you had no control over that (I had 2 inductions - so I never got a natural birth either - something I regret but had no control over). But honestly there is so much more to having kids than how you gave birth to them ! Life is tough enough without blaming yourself for things you can't change.

The first year for me has been a blur as well (mine are now 20 months) - I think people call it the "twin haze". And you sound like you have had more than your share of illness to deal with.

How about getting the boys into nursery now for 1 morning a week - give you a break and break them in gently ?

And I know it is tough - but really just getting out and getting some fresh air really helps - just go to the park and kick a ball around and let your boys run around like lunatics (that's what they are good at at that age ).

Hi twins2cute, I don't have any advice as the messages here are all great, I just wanted to let you know I have every sympathy for you (without meaning to sound lofty) and I hope you're feeling a bit stronger today.I'm quite new to this site and I know everyone is really supportive and you'll get lots of messages of support.

Hi throckenholt, We have to wait until Jan unfortunately as the nursery isn't opening until the end of october. The start date they gave us fell in amongst the holiday that we are going on at the end of Nov (thanks to Tesco clubcard deals!) Booked it last year and it has been good planning for that. Will be total escapism away from reality and there will be 4 adults & 2 children so life should be a little easier as when other people are around the boys don't want me (surplus to requirements!) Just hope I can cope with it being away from home & being around lots of people.
The holiday is probably the one good thing other than the boys that I have at the moment. With regards to the nursery if they then went when we come back they would have 3 sessions without me then have a 2 week break as they close for the 2 weeks at Christmas. We had also asked originally for 2 sessions but they made the policy that 3 is the min.

I feel that maybe I wouldn't feel as low as I do if I hadn't had the bronchitis. I think the 2 times having to go into hospital overnight did my head in & was the last straw. The snap came when my MIL was over for an hour & half and all she kept saying to the boys was "nanny will have to go in a minute as she needs to cook Grandads dinner. It really pd me off. My husband who is her son was looking after the boys, the house and me and all she could say was that. When my husband was about to take her home she asked him if there was any washing to be done? (the washing machine had broken whilst I was ill!) I said leave it, its not help with that we need its emotional support. She said to my dh that she cant win. I flew big time and ended up swearing telling her to f off and that all she wanted was the boys and Mark and shut the door. I apologised the next day in a short telehone call and haven't seen or spoken to her since and that was over 5 weeks ago now. So maybe she isnt as bothered about the boys as I thought. The relationship with my in laws has been really stressful since I became pregnant. Before we never saw them much so it wasn't a problem. But now just Stress!!!
I feel she is criticising everything I do and I can't do anything right. My dh & I had our house for 4 & half years before the boys were born and I think I can count on one hand the times they came. (they live 7 miles away).

On the day that the boys were born they were delivered just before 10am. They were shown to me and then they were gone. I saw them for 5 mins at 1pm and then didn't see them again until 7pm. I had been in there a few minutes when MIL came in and at the top of her voice said where are my boys? No acknowledgment was made of what I had gone through and the pain I was in. That night I was in a room on my own. It was the longest night of my life all I could hear was babies crying. Not one midwife came to talk to me and I just cried for ages. Until I talked to the councillor the other day I hadn't said any of this to anyone but it is all in my head so much and I remember it all so vividly.

As you can probably tell I have got loads in my head but I must stop for now.

Thanks for your support though everyone.

Hi all

I watched Little angels tonight and I can so identify with what the lady was going through. I don't know if any of you saw it. The mum had twin girls and tania the psychologist who helps the families on little angels said that she thought that the mum had not got over the early birth & the problems surrounding that, not being able to breastfeed and the general stuff that comes with being a mum of twins. It was so reassuring to see another mum going through much the same as me makes me feel not so alone in all of this.
I took my boys to playgroup for the first time today it was only a intro session so i stayed too. They seemed to like it so we'll see how they get on next week. Must admit though I pobably wouldn't have gone if my dh hadn't been at home to help get us out the door. I felt really anxious going though as it has been so long since it has been just me and the boys out of the house on our own!

Still havent seen the inlaws has been over 6 weeks now. Really stressed about them maybe just turning up on the doorstep this weekend!

Feels so nice to have an outlet for all of this!

Sorry t2cute haven't read all, but I bet you could contact that little angels mum..(if she isn't all ready on mn..)
get in touch with her via the bbc programme I
bet they would forward your details etc and
you may be able to help each other.