I'm not sure I have the strength...

[inmyshoos]

My partner has significant mh issues. I love him so so much but it's so exhausting and sometimes I just wonder if I have the strength to be his partner.

I know it's exhausting for him. I have no idea how it feels to be him but i can imagine.

When he is well he is the most wonderful partner. Very sensitive, caring, kind, funny...
But he isnt always in this place. He struggles often and becomes exhausted, withdrawn... He becomes like a bit of a stranger. Like the distance between us grows... Sometimes it feels like we are so close and connected and then he just kind of starts to disappear. I feel like I spend a lot of time holding on... Waiting for him to come back to me. It feels a bit like repeated grief. Like losing someone over and over.
Sometimes I feel like I'm so exhausted by it I don't know if I can take it. But I love him so very much and the idea of not having him in my life is unbearable.

No one....

He always comes back to you, that means you must mean a lot to him.

Does he have a diagnosis? Taking medication? Therapy?

I don't doubt that I mean a lot to him. He tells me I am the love of his life, that he has never felt loved like this in his life. And when he is in a good place he tells me this often but when not in a good place his mh makes him become self absorbed and there is a feeling of him going thru ough the motions, paying lip service...
I know if I ride these times out he eventually comes back to his beautiful sensitive self but the ride isn't easy.
I feel a bit abandoned.

He has a diagnosis of complex ptsd. He was badly abused and neglected as a child.
He has suffered with mh issues since a teen and has had a few suicide attempts.

Yes is on meds but they only help in a very limited capacity for a few months.
He has had therapy but it's on going isn't it. His brain is wired a certain way and it takes a long time to rewire and an enormous effort.

Is he engaging with MH services?

It is very very difficult to be the partner of someone with serious MH issues. You need to look after yourself too OP - at the end of the day this may simply be more than you are able to carry

He has done on and off since teen. He has seen mental health team... Previously told he wasn't a priority as can function... Hold down job etc. His main problem is maintaining a relationship to be honest. Currently in waiting list for psych referal. Waiting list is at least 3 months. But to be honest he has had little help through NHS, despite suicide attempts and has lost 2 siblings to suicide.

He needs to keep going back to NHS. Change medication or dosage? Try CBT or other therapy?
It’s hard work but you deserve him to try his hardest to be the most well he can be.

He makes me feel like I'm being selfish when he is like this. Because he tends to shut me out, become self absorbed, inconsiderate. Example being he usually sleeps over at mind on a weekend but if he isn't feeling good he will stay home and do his hobby. But he tells me last minute. And he will say I'll see you Sunday if you're free. Tbh this makes me feel like I'm always just here in the wings waiting to welcome him in and when he is like this he doesn't really see me or hear me so I feel unsupported... A bit abandoned.. Like I've had a shit week at work and I've been unwell, I miss him, I am looking forward to cuddling up and just sleeping together, feeling less alone. Yet I'm 99% sure he will not come this weekend again... Am I being selfish? Mh makes him selfish but when he is truly well he is the most considerate human I've ever loved.

Is he doing all he can to try and be well? If not then he is being selfish.
You don’t live together. You need to build your own life and make your own plans. Don’t rely on him being there always.

Thanks for replying.

I do try and make my own plans. I have lots of friends but I want to spend time with him. We really have very little time together.

Is he doing all he can? When he is well then yes but his efforts are often met with closed doors.... Therapy etc. Meds don't work for long... He has just been given something to help him sleep. But even getting that info from him was hard... He has just closed the door on me. Last week he told me he wanted to spend forever devoted to me....

He needs to work even harder when he’s not well.

@inmyshoos
There is a book by Pete Walker called CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving, you can get it cheap on EBay, this may help you both.

Also research EMDR which has good results for C PTSD.

Also check out videos by Richard Grannon on YouTube he talks about CPTSD.

His attachment style due to abuse may be anxious avoidant or insecure. He will do a lot of push and pulling. Have a look at attachment styles.

I hope some of this may help you.

Hmm op, you sound really similar to me when I was dating a man with mental health issues. I was constantly waiting around, desperate for him to spend some time with me. I would cry when he wouldn't show or would be cold - he could also be downright nasty at times.

The thing is, I had problems of my own. While we were together I'd received a diagnosis of ctpsd from childhood sexual abuse. But it was never me who was cold and distant etc, that was just him. I am trying to not "project" too much of my experience on to yours because your dp may be nothing like mine was. But what it came down to is, I was always there for him - and that was pretty much expected of me. He was never really there for me. In the "good times" I had all the proclaimations of love. I was the love of his life, he'd never felt this way about anyone before, yadda yadda yadda, and that's what kept me there. One day I realised the relationship was just so unhealthy that it was actually making me ill. It took several attempts of leaving him (each time he begged me to change my mind and that he'd change etc) before eventually I said no that's it and stopped seeing him, blocked his number.

"Sometimes it feels like we are so close and connected and then he just kind of starts to disappear. I feel like I spend a lot of time holding on... Waiting for him to come back to me. It feels a bit like repeated grief. Like losing someone over and over."

"Sometimes I feel like I'm so exhausted by it I don't know if I can take it. But I love him so very much and the idea of not having him in my life is unbearable."

I could have written that back then.

I'm not saying he's the same as my ex, or that you should leave him. But it definitely sounds as though you're way too focused on him and you need to detach a little bit. Spend some time focusing on yourself, your friends, your hobbies, anything. Try to not be the person waiting around just to be disappointed when he doesn't show up.

lexiepuppy think his attachment stype is chaotic attachment? It's something I've read about before.

He does do a lot of pushing and pulling.
I think this is probably the first time in his life he has had someone just hold in there with him. He says himself that it is fear that makes him crash... Like he starts to panic and not believe this is true... Like what his brain is wired to believe isn't what is happening on the outside so he behaves in a way to encourage familiar behaviour...
It's incredibly heart breaking. He knows he is causing the issues we have and when he is well he hates himself for it, full of self loathing.
I love him so much, when well he just blows me away with his kindness and consideration. He is romantic and such a good person but he is not easy. Most days I feel it's worth the struggle and certainly I can't imagine not loving him.

harriet I hear you. I really do. I try very hard to make sure I have a plan B always. I see friends every day. His work and his dc mean we actually only spend a night or 2 together each week so there is a bit of balance.

But I'd be lying if I said he wasn't at the forefront of my mind always.

Did you move on? Did it take long? I've split before for around 6 weeks and the pain was awful. I missed him so much. I know it's cheesy but I feel like he is my one