Don't know who I am anymore.

[Lola2015]

Dear all
I don't kno where to start really. I just wondered if anyone could offer any support or has felt the same? I don't think I'm depressed?? as I'm still able to function and my children make me very happy and I adore them.

Everything else is falling apart.

I hate everything about myself, I feel completely worthless. I have hardly any friends and any friends I used to have I've felt they haven't treated me right so I've started to back off slightly and not be so desperate for their friendship. Now I barely see them.
I can't seem to get along with people, I always feel as tho im treated badly and viewed as a doormat, then when I do stand up for myself I feel unreasonable. We have hardly any friends who we see regularly and no friends with children who ours can mix with. I don't kno why anyone would want to socialise with me. I am envious if families that have friends who they see at weekends with their children, we don't have that closeness with anyone.
Things not going well with husband either, I'm having a hard time forgiving him for the way he treated me when DD was born 6 months ago and his attitude towards me in general . He was bad tempered and horrible when she was newborn. I just needed his support and I wanted him to be proud of me.
I can't express how much I despise myself. I tried telling DH at the weekend but he didn't know what to say and he really didn't care that I felt so low about myself, he had nothing to say. I feel like my social skills have dried up, that I'm boring, weird, thick and that no-one will want to talk to me. I don't feel like I kno who I am anymore. I feel lonely yet I find speaking to ppl so difficult.
Anybody else felt like this. I just want to feel like I'm a good person and that I have something to offer. I'm 37, these feeling seem childish but I can't escape this overwhelming sense of failure about myself.

This sounds so very hard. Friendships are tricky things and it can really sting when they go wrong. I can empathize with feeling like your a doormat but then considered to be overreacting when you stand up for yourself. I wish I had some great advice but all I can say is your not alone. A lot of people struggle with friendships. I certainly do. Sometimes it gets me very down, other times I'm okay with it.

Sorry to hear about how your partner has been treating you, did you ever get to the bottom of why he was that way? Has it stopped now?

It really upset me to read that you think of yourself this way I feel like my social skills have dried up, that I'm boring, weird, thick and that no-one will want to talk to me. Would you ever think that of someone else? Probably not. Your post if full of really cruel things about yourself and for me, this is when I know my depression has reared its head again. So yes I'd say it is likely. The birth of your child wasn't long ago. Have you tried talking with your health visitor about how you are feeling?

for you

Ah thank you so much for such a caring and genuine response. I think you hit the nail on the head, friendships are tricky and when they don't go well it really does hurt. I think because I have very little friends plus a tense relationship at home, both these things have all contributed to feeling very low about myself. I feel my husband hates me, along with most other people. I have always found friendships tough. Perhaps I expect too much, but it seems that most friendships I've had, never came with ease.
No you're right I wouldnt think negative these things of other people. But I truly believe these things about myself and I'm not convinced any kind of therapy would change that because I believe 100% that I am these things and it's part of who I am.
DH is moody anyway so this will never change. I am so fed up of the contemptuous way in which he speaks to me. But then I feel maybe I have done something to deserve it. He was so bad tempered when DD was born as he can't cope with the unpredictability a newborn baby brings, when routine and normality go out of the window.
Maybe I am depressed, all of this sounds so very hopeless now I'm writing it all down. I feel embarrassed telling some one face to face though, it feels immature.
How do you cope when you feel your depression coming on? Is there anything you can recommend? Thanks so much fur replying X

I'm not terribly good at making my responses flow so although this might all be a bit jumbled I hope some of it will be useful.

Struggling with feeling of self worth is not juvenile. Sometimes when you try to break it down to specific examples it can feel juvenile to you. For example, I once got really upset that my father offered my husband a beer and not me. If I explained it that way it sounds silly, if I explained the root of the insecurity (that I fear my father may well love me but not actually like me much) it doesn't sound sill at all. So could you perhaps frame it differently when mentioning it to someone?

But I truly believe these things about myself and I'm not convinced any kind of therapy would change that because I believe 100% that I am these things and it's part of who I am.

I hear you. You know yourself better than anyone but your state of mind is making the negatives amplified. Look, I am odd and a bit boring. I know that. As such I won't be everyone's cup of tea. But as I'm currently in a good place with my mental health I can objectively looks at thoes aspects of me as say 'thats fine'. I'm not going to change the foundations of who I am to better fit with what others want. They don't stop me from interacting with the world. They aren't the huge defects that I get the feeling you are seeing in yourself. What I did do is reflect on the parts that weren't foundation things that could be improved. For example, I am quick to put my guard up with people as I've been hurt by friends before. That not a personality trait, that's a defence mechanism. So that's did change and work on. Does that make sense?

I'm not at all religious or a recovering alcoholic but the AA serenity prayer helps me a lot. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Btw, You have managed to write two decent posts and reflect on your situation, indicating that you are definitely not thick.

Other things that have helped me:

• Telling other people that I'm not doing well. You don't have to go full disclosure. Smaller statements like 'I am feeling a bit off today' can help you unload.

-Writing it down if I can't tell people. In a diary, on your phone or on Mumsnet.

• Making my world smaller. By this I mean being realistic about what a can cope with and being proud of myself for the small wins. Not putting these big expectations on myself.
• Celebrating the wins, even if just with myself. More on this in a moment.
• Leaving the house. It's such a cliché but it is such biggies when my depression/anxiety is high.

-Allowing myself set periods of time to feel the full extent of what I was feeling. I found I was usually feeling something but at the same time counteracting it with another thought. Such as 'Dont be so silly/self indulgent/dramatic'. So one day I decided to give myself 30 minutes to feel the worries without any of the backchat. It worked a treat. I sat and felt extremely sad that I'd yet again not been invited to my goddaughters birthday party. I didn't find excuses for the mum. I didn't tell myself it was my fault or that I should have done something differently. I just sat with the sadness. In the end, I didn't even need the full 30 mins. The feeling passed because I wasn't fighting it. It's a useful technique.

I've had some very dark time when I too would have been adamant that I hated myself and that I was worthless. I know that isn't true now. I have value, just as you do, just as everyone else does.

I don't know what to advise with regards to your DH other than to refer you back to the serenity prayer. What in the situation can you address? I have a very low tolerance for partners treating each other poorly so I probably can't help you with specific advice in the at area.

I'm going to sleep now but I'll talk you through celebrating the wins tomorrow. Good night

You have post natal depression and need help, speak to your health visitor

Thanks for your response yet again. Weffiepops response took me by surprise as it was quite blunt, but to be fair, I think it's true. I have self reffered for some CBT today.
Hotwaterbottlelove I think we sound v similar thanks SO much for all your words of positivity and encouragement. It's funny because I also have a goddaughter and I have never been invited to her bday!! And it always hurts me but its happened for years so I've learned to live with it unfortunately . You sound like you have things under control at the moment and have some great techniques for taking back control of those negative and intrusive thoughts. The mind is a powerful thing. Did you ever have CBT or take medication? I wish I could get to the bottom of why I feel such a great sense of rejection all the time.
I'm sorry I don't know how to quote things from your message as I don't usually post on here but it was what you said about not changing yourself to fit in with others. I really admire this and I can't wait to get to a point where il, hopefully, feel the same. This is exactly what I do all the time as I just want to fit in and be liked and not be the person that everyone dislikes and doesnt want to be around. I think I'm a bit sensitive but I do often hear people bad mouthing others so I wonder if they do the same about me?
I didn't realise just how miserable I really was until I posted on here. So fingers crossed this is the start of me getting back on back track. It really helps to kno im not the only one out there who feels alone and rejected xx

Evening, sorry not to reply sooner. Today has been very hectic. Weffiepops certainly went for the direct approach, I was going for the softer method but do agree with them. It very much sounds like pnd. Well down for the self referral. Do you feel you could say something to your health visitor? Maybe just show them your first post?

I've not had CBT but did read a book about it and so used some of the techniques in it. Tomorrow I'll see if I still have it, it was only a cheap thing but it explained the basics.

I have had talking therapy that I got privately. I don't recall how long it was for and more than anything, I think the fact that I had made a decision to get help was a big help in itself. If that makes sense? I was on SSRI for about two years, I came off them about 3 years ago. Everyone is different, I responded brilliantly to them. They gave me just enough stability to have the strength to make the changes I needed. It took me a while to admit that I needed them though. Seems so silly now but I was still a little ignorant about how they worked back then.

I do very much feel on top of my depression and anxiety these days. That's something that, in my darkest days, I wouldn't have believed to be possible. I will have moments where I feel it coming back but I know the warning signs and am better at responding sooner.

You definitely aren't the only one who goes through these things and IST wonderful that you have started to make your way through the fog. Don't be afraid to ask other people to help you too.

Off to sleep now. Take care and update me when you hear about the therapy.

OP, just to say I empathise with a lot of what you have said in your posts. You aren't alone. Great advice on this thread, and not sure I can add anything to it, other than to say I have been there too especially in relation to the friendships. In fact, I am having a friendship issue at the moment with someone who I used to respect and like very much. It all feels pretty bleak.

Hi, sorry to hear you are in a bit of a fog right now. From my experience with anxiety over the years, I have learnt so much about myself through practicing Mindfulness. I am now starting out as a Mindfulness Mentor for those who are struggling with feeling out of line with themselves, your own values & beliefs can trigger an awful lot of self doubt & unhappiness in your life. The one person you can count on & always trust is you & that's why it's so important to build a loving relationship with yourself, see yourself ad your own best friend, one who will always be there & learn to love the skin your in. I also struggled with friendship issues especially female friends, who seemed to be treating me with disrespect & made me feel not wanted. I had a big belief that there was something wrong with me, something others disliked & no matter how much i knew i was & could be the best friend ever, I just wasnt getting any love back! Over the years this built up & caused lots of problems for me & friendships. I realise now that my sensitivity towards how others treated me was due from my past experiences back to my school years, where I struggled to hold on to any particular best friend & longed to be like other girls in my group. I had extreme anxiety from childhood but it seemed to improve through my late teens & early adulthood. After I had my children, I then suffered with health anxiety always something wrong with me & I experienced dizziness, anxious thoughts all the time, didn't like confined spaces, fears I had a brain tumour that was causing all my illnesses! I didn't realise it was just anxiety until I had a mental breakdown after getting married 4yrs ago. I experienced a panic attack for the first time & it totally freaked me out! I then had them all the time, I felt so disconnected with myself & depressed. My journey with finding myself again over the past 3yrs has been challenging but produced amazing transformations for me. I am now feeling the happiest I have ever felt & living my life to the full. It all started with a few simple steps, the three A's- Awareness Acceptance & Appreciation. I now have an ambition to help & support others with my own experiences. My website is www.clairdiane-mindfulcoaching.co.uk

Thanks again everyone for your responses. Im not happy that you all share the feelings I do but I'm relieved to kno its not just me. Maybe its more common a problem than we realise. I do get very upset when I feel let down by friends, it's a common occurance for me so I've now shut myself off from meeting new people. Its is a shame as I'm off on mat leave so would potentially be a great time to meet others but I can't face it right now, at all. I haven't made friends with a single other mum for any of my mat leave so far. I've had three days in the house with my children tho and apart from odd trips out, we haven't done anything and I feel like I'm going mad. It would be nice for my son to have a friend to play with but any potential friends we had play dates in the past with have fallen by the way side. I feel sad for my son, he needs contact with children his own age. What a sorry state that I have noone I can arrange a play date with. I said it my previous post that I think I might expect too much of ppl but I'm not sure I do. I really would hate for any friend of mine to feel the way I'm feeling right now. I feel like I'm a very loyal friend, I'd never play mind games or ignore someone or leave them hanging bcoz I wouldn't want to make anyone feel bad. Yet I feel like alot of others just think about number 1. I need to stop being so dependant on others I think. I'm pretty sure they are all getting on with their lives whilst I'm wallowing in sadness. Friendships shouldn't mean that much to me, but sadly they do.
Thanks for all your lovely comments, I think I've had a bit of a bad day today. The type of day when you want to burst into tears and scream because the babys bottle has leaked every where.
I've got an assessment appt on Monday for CBT so Il let you kno how it goes. Hopefully I won't have to wait too long to see a therapist as I think you are prioritised if you've had a baby in the last 9 months xxx

I've got an assessment appt on Monday for CBT so Il let you kno how it goes. Hopefully I won't have to wait too long to see a therapist as I think you are prioritised if you've had a baby in the last 9 months

If that is the case, it is an excellent policy. Hope it goes well .

@Lola2015 I really do get how you feel about friendships. Honestly, these things can be really hurtful.

Is there much going on locally in terms of baby and toddler groups and activities? Playgroups? Then you might feel that your son was getting lots of time to socialise even if you aren't?

Hi OP, another one here that when I read your first thread I thought you may have postnatal depression. I have a 7 month old and have postnatal depression.
I hope your appt goes well on Monday.
For me, I started meds in October and they lifted my mood within a few weeks, but I still needed therapy to help with the other issues.
I withdrew myself from everyone when I was at my worst. Now I get periods where I'm able to initiate conversations and meetings with others. I didn't really have any friends (which didn't bother me) but funnily I actually think I am starting to make friends now. Some people I have cut out of my life altogether, but the people that responded when I reached out are actually people that I will arrange to go out with for lunch/dinner or kids play date.
I'm still struggling with dp being honest but I'm hoping we can pull through it. In hindsight I also had pnd with my older child, and it took about a year until I was back to my normal self.
If you ever want to chat, I am here

@TooManyPlatesInMotion thank you, yes lots going on in my local area, I've just buried my bead in the Sand about it and not felt able to join anything . Now i kno I need to do something for the sake of my son. I just dread the small talk aspect of it all. especially when you are feeling flat and trying to pretend you're not?
@Newyearnewme2020 thank you. Its nice to hear from someone who has a baby similar age to me and knows what it feels like. Funnily enough I think I also had pnd with first child but didn't recognise it, manged to move forward, however I don't think I fully recovered from it. Thinking that I might need medication as well as the CBT if I really want to get myself out of this hole and start living again. Did you suffer any bad side effects?

Hello @Lola2015. How did your assessment go? I see that you asked about medication. The reality is that they can be incredibly helpful but it is dependent on your doctor helping you find the right one for you. There are some many that a frank conversation about why they are recommending the one that they are is important. Think about how sensitive you are to drugs in your system. For example, my husband really feels caffeine and even feels queasy after a multivitamin (due to the zinc) but didn't think to tell his doctor that and was put on a brand that was too strong. Eventually they worked this out. He used them for a year or so and it helped a lot. On the other hand, I rarely get side effects from anything, coffee does little for me, the contraceptive pill never made me poorly etc so I responded super well to SSRI medication as the slight side effects I had were totally worth the even keel the medication put me on. I describe SSRIs as a walking stick to help you on your way, not a magic carpet that will fly you there.

@Lola2015 same here, looking back I see I had PND after my first child aswell but didn't realise it. I think I was ok again once ds was a year old.
My gp said the meds would help to regulate my hormones which changed during and after pregnancy which would help to lift my mood. He said it would be the fastest way to feel better again, and with a small baby I did need to start feeling better quickly. I did go to therapy which helped around the horrible anxiety I developed.
I have no side effects from the meds other than increased appetite.
Hope your appt went well yesterday.

Thanks all for your responses. Had my appt and going for an online CBT course. Had option to see therapist but would be a longer wait. Mood has picked up slightly but the smallest thing and I'm straight back down again. I just felt bad asking to see a therapist when really I think this isn't as severe as how some people are feeling out there. Will see how it goes. Also considering antidepressants too. I did have sertraline once but I suffered bad side effects a few hours after taking Just one tablet. It mightve been that I had a bug but I doubt it... It was really nasty! But I would consider trying another one.
Went to a baby group a few days ago found it stressful. Making small talk with new people... I just can't do it. Literally feel like I have absolutely nothing to say. Everyone there was happy, smiley, bubbly chatty, cracking jokes and I'm just like
I suppose once I get started on CBT and maybe medication, il feel more comfortable xx

Well done for getting out to the baby group. Try not to compare yourself to other people, I know we all do it but it gets us nowhere.

Sertraline can be a tough one. There are others with less severe side effects. Citalopram tends to be a bit more gentle.

I can fully understand the feeling of 'other people are suffering worse than me so I feel guilty for using this therapy'. I even said it to a therapist once and she told me that every single one of her clients has the same worry at some point. That made me feel a lot better and I just focused on appreciating the opportunity I was being given.

Hope today is a little brighter for you.

@Lola2015 well done for getting out to baby group. I was the same as you, I felt like I had nothing to say, and if I did have something to say then people wouldn't care about it, so I'd stay quiet.
I'm on a low does of fluoxetine and find that I've got more confidence to speak since starting it. I talk a lot more. The things I thought others would find boring to listen about, I say anyway. People are interested, it was only me that thought they wouldn't want to listen.
Don't feel guilty about other people, you are going through a tough time whilst looking after a young baby so most definitely deserve any therapy you can get.

Thanks all for your responses. I can't tell you how much your replies have really helped me thorough a difficult time. I think I'm going to go to back to doctors and try a different anti depressant to help me through this, along with the CBT. I have days when I think I'm fine, other times I feel incoherent and everything seems foggy. I've spoken briefly to my sister about how I'm feeling but she said she didn't think I was clinically depressed. Made me wonder if it was in all in my head but I kno deep down something doesn't feel right. Thank god for forums like this. I've never told another person the actual extent of how'd I'd been feeling so it's been a weight of my shoulders to confide in you all. Xxx