My story warning long may be confusing to read and trigger warning sexual abuse and drugs

[Theodoreb]

Here is my story hope I don’t get judged to badly.
Growing up my dad was a iv amphetamine drug addict, And dealt drugs to cover the cost of his addiction in and out of prison. Drug raids were normal at my house and I’d be sat in my room while riot vans were ripping my house apart looking through the window to ignore what was going on in the house (usually 8 or more police holding my dad down while my mum was screaming) I just stood silently wishing people would mind their own buisness and not be out in the street all watching.

my mum was mentally ill in and out of hospital so never really had a permanent parental figure. When I was 13 my sister was born through a affair meaning she wasn’t my dads the arguments got worse so I stopped coming home and just slept at my 15yo boyfriends house besides his mum cooked me food and washed my clothes.

I was aged 8 when I first started hearing voices I wasn’t frightened it was nice not to be alone with my thoughts anymore by the time I moved in with my boyfriend aged 13 I was completely psychotic.

Mum and dad we’re constantly fighting couldn’t deal with it unfortunately due to my abandonment issues from my parents and my psychotic illnesses ( now diagnosed bipolar 1 and schizophrenia) I used to get frightened he would abandon me too so I wrongly started doing bad things so he would prove he loved me, often threatening to cheat so he would cry and I would feel reassured that I was loved wrong I know well 6 months into the relationship he started hitting me my fault I guess for all the times I made him cry.

At age 14 I was sexually abused by a man in the street my dad found out when I confided in him and the man was given a beating.

Our relationship continued to fall badly into decay going as far as rape all the while my dad was getting worse into drugs and I sat there and watched my dad slowly die inside all remnants of the man I knew slowly dying. At age 15 he hit drug induced psychosis and attempted to kill my mum we went to live with my uncle for 6 weeks before we went back. Me and my boyfriend had been meeting up regularly as we really were inseparable at this point he was working nights and his family always welcomed me so I would sleep there while he was in work anything rather than be at home with my parents.

At 15 and a half my dad again tried to kill my mum during drug psychosis me present this time in the middle of my school they were screaming shouting and arguing and I was stood in the middle as usual then my favorite teacher came out and told me to come to her so I did and left them to it where teachers calmed the situation down until police arrived.

We went to live in a refuge and I was finding it hard being away from my boyfriend although things had deteriorated rapidly and what was once occasional fights had turned into constant fights. When my mood was on a high I fought back when I was on a low I just surrendered.

After 3 months I fell pregnant I moved in with my boyfriend officially and things seemed good started feeling like maybe life was worth living. Then I went to butlins with my mum for a weekend when I returned I found out my boyfriend had not only taken amphetamine but had a girl sleep over. I went charging over and a huge argument occurred then he hit me and at this point something inside me broke I walked out and the next week my dad paid for me to go have a private termination I was not going to tie myself and my babies down to the same life I had lived a mentally ill mum abusive relationship and a drug addicted father. After this my head totally went I was bleeding too much I knew this I was in agony but I didn’t care I knew I was dying but I didn’t care. I had nothing to live for or so I thought.i went to the toilet and my womb was protruding from my vagina but I didn’t care. Then my sister came in the room and I couldn’t do it to her. So I told my mum and I spent a month in gynae no clue what was wrong exactly my head was too messed up to care all I know is something had caused a hemorrhage and prolapsed womb.

I was seen by psychiatrist I told him all about my manic highs and depression and the voices in my head and things I saw that others couldn’t. However I was misdiagnosed with ptsd and given a year psychotherapy. I didn’t go out much and one day I woke up and felt fine so I assumed I had done it I had sorted my head out. I went out got a job got who I thought was a good boyfriend and at age 17 I had my ds1 I breastfed and I reacted weirdly post natal, I hated people touching my baby, and felt so frightened and anxious wouldn’t sleep at night, but after about 6 months it passed.

I had the perfect family life and bought a house and at 21 I gave birth to DD1 post natal my this time I again breastfed yet I went even more controlling than on DS got very snappy with people visiting and just wanted to be left alone only people I didn’t mind coming was my mum and dsis. It passed then at age 22 that feeling the one I thought would never come again happened I was manic I wouldn’t stop going out. My thoughts were racing I couldn’t sleep couldn’t sit down and was hyper sexual begin desiring things ex DH couldn’t give me I needed abusive sex really abusive and I begged DH to abuse me but he wouldn’t the high was getting unbearable and I went out and found someone who would abuse me sexually. Yes I cheated and would ask the man to hurt me while I laughed. Then I came home one night DH aHad his hands in his head and for some reason I felt tired so I went to bed I woke up guilt ridden and feeling normal I confessed to DH what I had done and went to crisis I was admitted to psychiatric hospital and diagnosed bipolar 1

DS has always had development delays and I was fighting to get her a diagnosis at age 2 she was diagnosed with severe ASD, I shortly after realized that I was pregnant with DD2 I stayed on a low dose of olanzapine during pregnancy and breastfed on it successfully. However again after birth I became withdrawn DS 1 was being investigated for adhd DS had severe ASD and I had bipolar 1 I shut everyone out and continued to decay. I was now taking a large dose of olanzapine and had gained a lot of weight DH was moaning about weight gain and become quite abusive shouting at me for eating and not cleaning or buying take away constantly. I wanted to admit myself but DH refused saying he couldn’t take time of work.

DH wouldn’t let me tell anyone about my bipolar not even my mum so I was left to suffer aloe I wasn’t taking good enough care of my dc and I knew this but no one would help.

My mood changed to the word manic I had ever had in my life and I run away something I will never feel ok about. Even while manic I hated myself and wanted to die on a mania so I found the most abusive drug addict I could and moved in I was swallowing amphetamine at first but within three months was injecting it. I still saw my dc regularly and was always clean they still have no idea I was a addict. New do would rape me and abuse me the worst was the sleep deprivation he would never let me sleep and I continued injecting amohetamine hoping the devil would hurry up and claim me for where else could someone who had done what I had done possibly go.

For 18 months I continued requiring many trips to hospital for drug overdoses and abuse once I was raped so severely I needed sticthes. I lied to everyone saying a stranger raped me. I spent many months homeless even through winter but still washed and put clean clothes on and turned up to see my kids clean and tidy.

Then 18 months into using ( my mum who since I have been a adult has been mentally stable and amazing) was caring for my dc well she stopped me seeing my kids for just one month after the serious rape in a attempt to get me to wake up at the end of the month she was called to my flat. I had not slept in a month and had injected every hour for the last month. Ambulance wanted to admit me but I was refusing I had been battered and my mum walked in a room to see me sat surrounded by dirty needles covered in bruises with blood running out of multiple needle sites. I was crying the first time since I lost my kids I was no longer on a manic high and my mum who had seen my mood swings all my life recognized this and said only 5 words ‘you want to come home’ I cried ‘yes mum’ and for the first time since walking away from my kids I held my arms out allowing myself to be touched she said move the dirty needles which I flung to the floor and we sat there holding each other crying. I went to hospital then went to my mums.

My psychiatrist who I had been refusing to see at this point rediagnosed me with bipolar and schizophrenia and my meds were severely increased. I spent 6 agonizing months unable to sleep crying constantly in agony taking overdoses of co codamol and aspirin just to sleep but eventually I got through it. I was given 3 different types of therapy (ACAT 16 weeks, domestic violence therapy from dart 6 months and sexual abuse therapy a year from new pathways)

After two years my head was stable and I moved into my own place having my dc on my own half the week then after 4 years I was given full custody now 6 years on I am strong and happy and love my life I will never have another relationship as don’t trust my ability to have firm boundaries. I still have episodes but they are manageable and I cope. I still have my issues but me and my psychiatrist are working through them.

So happy with life I’ll never go back where I was I look after my kids ) days a week and go to town with my friend once a week I have a fwb who satisfies any needs I have but I won’t let people visit me at my house as I don’t trust my abilities to maintain boundaries and want my kids to feel safe and secure. Sorry if my post is difficult to understand first time writing it all down please don’t judge me too harshly I really am trying my best. I am posting in addiction, relationships and mental health as not sure where this actually goes. Thanks if you read this.

@Theodoreb
That is an incredibly sad life you have had, but I think you are utterly amazing to have got through it .

I would do some research on Complex PTSD. There's a book called from Surviving to Thriving Complex PTSD by Pete Walker, you can buy it on EBay, this book might help you.

Also Richard Grannon is good for CPTSD, he does videos on YouTube.

Also look into reparenting yourself, you can read articles or again YouTube is good for that.

You have had it tough, but you are an amazing person..

@lexiepuppy I have considered that I have some form of PTSD for example a lot of my memories from when I was a addict are fragmented and muddled up and every now and then a song will come on and I’ll see a memory like a video playing and sometimes it’s hard to even stand on my feet with the emotions that hit me. Then it’s gone and my breathing regulates and I’m just left with the feelings however this is partly what makes me think it’s not ptsd it’s not the things people have done to me that bother me it’s the things I did that I’m ashamed of.

For example selling my body only my mum knows I did that or I’ll see a video play of me injecting or a video looking down on myself passing out and having seizures from too many drugs and I feel so much shame that people saw that. But the one that bothers me the most is when I see myself using.

Another thing is I find it hard to relax and be happy I have my kids back I bought my house back of my ex I have everything I dreamed of getting back in those early days of recovery. But I’m constantly frightened I’m going to lose my dc and I know if that happens I’d end up going straight back to my ex and end up back where I was, nothing else will ever take me back there but I am frightened of losing my kids and even though I’ve done nothing wrong I’m constantly frightened something will go wrong and I’ll get the blaim for it and they will take my dc. It’s like I’m so used to living on adrenaline that now I don’t know how to live without it. And my brain is constantly waiting for something bad to happen.

I don’t know if any of that makes sense.

It totally makes sense, you are hardwiring your brain to think those things, but you have the ability to change them.
Everyday we are one choice away from changing our lives, you just have to make it a positive change.

That was your old life, that was the past, you are doing so well, you have overcome so many obstacles.

I think you need some help with things that trigger you. You will benefit from going No contact with people who are toxic or bring you down.

I haven’t seen my dysfunctional family in 2 years!

Are you having counselling?

My personal philosophy is our purpose on earth is to Love and to Learn. You have achieved a lot.

You have had really tough times but you are still fighting and you are an amazingly strong person.

@Theodoreb
You won’t lose your children, you are doing a great job.

I think you do have PTSD and without a doubt you have Complex Ptsd because of your traumatic childhood.

I research things all the time, trying to work out why people act the way they do. It usually all stems from dysfunctional parents and childhood, but we have to break the mould..... stop the dysfunction.... and that is what you have done!

I really hope your right my kids are my life my whole world don’t want or need anyone but them.

I do need to cut out toxic people in particular attention seekers and liars and people who use me. I already cut contact with addicts although being homeless myself I often go down to buy the homeless people I know some breakfast and give them a few cigarettes and I have stayed in contact with some addicts but only those considerate enough to not use when they are meeting me.

I cannot have anymore therapy as I have had a lot of therapy and I don’t think nhs will pay for anymore therapy. But I have to get this anxiety under control I was hoping with time it would ease. I have a lot of diazepam to help with it I get 7, 5mg tablets 14, 2mg tablets and 7 0.5mg clonazepam every week and I try not to use them at the moment we are slowly decreasing my 2mg diazepam with a aim to get it down to 4 a week.

@Theodoreb You are kind hearted sticking by your homeless friends. I was nearly homeless with my kids 2 years ago, the stress was unbelievable and then I managed to get a flat!

I have really bad anxiety and depression, I’ve had CBT but that didn’t work and the counselling I had through Women’s Aid helped get things off my chest, but there was no advice.

You just need to get good boundaries in place, don’t let toxic people grind you down. Try and make the best choices for you and your children. You have got through some massive trauma and you are still going forward.

I don’t even know you, but I admire you so much.

If you get the time go on Pinterest or Youtube and look up about Cptsd and narcissists: sociopaths/psychopaths.

Stay strong and keep going forward.
You can do this

So glad you didn't end up homeless especially with two kids, they would have put you in a homeless family B and B but personally I hated the B and Bs.

I'll have a look at you tube. Thank you for saying you admire me means a lot I live in a small town and a lot of people judge me saying I don't deserve my dc because I gave them up but honestly it was the hardest thing I have ever done and IMO I was doing the best thing for them and at that moment it wasn't me. But anyone who knows me well enough to know even part of my story likes me and is happy and proud of me.

But my dc are so happy now we are a family again we have issues as two have definite SN and the third maybe has epilepsy. But we sit down as a family and work through problems as they come up.

Their dad is pretty toxic he texts me just to have a go at me saying I'm a fag whore and a druggy, but I just ignore him, but I wish he would either step up and see kids properly or walk away entirely as opposed to seeing them once every 3 months for one night I think he needs to make up his mind. He tries to say he doesn't have money to see them because I claim CMS, but when I wasn't claiming it he was just spending the money on his new girlfriend and their baby so I think it's best I claim it to give my dc best standard of life I can give them.

@Theodoreb
Try not to worry about small minded people making comments about you, they are not worth bothering with.
If they really knew you they’d know what a fighter you are and how you have accomplished so much.

As for your Ex well done for going through CMS for your children’s future and getting the best you can for them.
He needs to help out with maintenance.

You are doing brilliantly! Just keep going forward and don’t let anyone bring you down!

You are a great mum to your children.
Stay strong!

Thank you I do try to ignore people and just know that there are many people who really love me care for me and trust and believe in me. I have a few close friends (all male as I struggle with women don't know why) and they are over protective but it shows they love me.

They don't like the idea of me getting a boyfriend though if any guy so much as speaks to me they start harassing him with questions. But I don't find it controlling they have told me they are frightened of me going out with someone abusive again. They say and are correct that I attract abusive men.

But I know I am loved very much which keeps me going even on hard days.