Hi everyone. I really don’t know where else to express my feelings so here goes..
I’ve always had problems with my mental health. As a child I was withdrawn, and had what I now realise was social anxiety. During my teens everything got worse. I became reclusive, rarely leaving my room, started drinking, constantly anxious. Alcohol numbed everything to me. Every weekend I would go out and party. When nobody would go out I would drink in my room until 5am.
Everything spiralled out of control when I met my ex. His mother was emotionally abusive to me. Constantly putting me down, saying I wasn’t good enough for him. I ended up suicidal and self harmed. I finally opened up to my mother and told her everything that was going on mentally.
I was put on medication which made me worse. I felt like I was watching my life from the bottom of a pit. I didn’t feel in control of my body. It all came to a head when I tried to kill myself by overdosing. After that my medication got changed and I got a new job. Things started looking great. I left my abusive relationship, and met someone new.
Years later I’m now a mother to a wonderful daughter, I left my job to take care of her. Everything’s been going great until recently.
I feel like my anxiety has returned. For a year now I’ve been unable to leave the house alone. I feel like something will happen to me whenever I leave the house, getting attacked etc. I’ve started getting psychical symptoms of anxiety: not sleeping, racing heart, lethargic. I feel like I’m not in control of my life. I’ve started to have constant irrational fear. It’s effecting my relationship too.
I believe I know why I’ve always had mental health problems. I’ve never opened up to anyone about an event that happened in my childhood, and the abuse I experienced. I’ve only started to think about it recently, and I’ve always kept it buried inside.
I don’t know what to do. I’m frightened of returning to the doctor. I don’t know who to turn to..