*triggering* - To have suicidal thoughts due to the state of my life

[NotCopingSoWell]

I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been a single parent since day dot, ex left days before I gave birth. The first year was hard but I managed and was able to take the full year off. I have a new boss at work who openly thinks I can’t do my job properly as I’m a single parent and can’t spend 14 hours in the office (although I wfh in the evenings regularly) but because I’m not physically in the office he’s put me on his shit list and he frequently makes discriminatory remarks about me. I know I’m well within my rights to raise a grievance and/or leave and claim constructive dismissal but then I’ll be out a job and I’m the only one supporting my child.

If my job situation wasn’t making life bad enough my mum died suddenly 2 months ago of a brain aneurism which has been very difficult on me. I now have no support whatsoever as my dad isn’t really around and I’m an only child with a very small family. I essentially have no support. I feel so desolate and bereft most days and actually fantasise about taking my own life. I wouldn’t because of my child but then I wonder if she’d be better off with a family who can provide her with two parents and not this dysfunction she currently has with me.

Reading this back this sounds very woe is me which it’s not intended to be but fuck, someone tell me this gets easier.

Sorry to hear you feel so low and completely understandable given everything that’s going on and being so alone. The only thing I know for certain is your child would not for one second be better off without you. I doubt it’s something they would ever fully recover from. Could you reach out to the samaritans so you have someone you could chat to?

Oh op I’m so sorry Your situation sounds so hard and I’m so sorry to hear about your mum

Regarding your work situation, is there any chance you could change jobs? I know this can be easier said than done when you’ve got one that currently works around your child, but is there any chance at all? Your boss sounds like a right arsehole and he shouldn’t be able to get away with it at all.

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. OP, life has dealt you a shit hand recently but I promise you things will not stay like this forever.

Is your baby’s father paying maintenance? If not, I’d advise you to chase for that to help take some financial pressure off your shoulders.

Work sounds crap, I’d be keeping records on everything your boss does which you think is discriminatory or just unprofessional. Maybe get in touch with a union to find out where you legally stand?

OP, you sound like you need a real life hug and I hope you have some friends who can give you support.

No matter how low you feel know that you are the most important person in your daughter’s life and can never be replaced. I’d suggest going to see your GP as well - there might be organisations which can help you through this very difficult time.

Thanks for responding. I work in quite a niche area so it would mean a move which on the one hand is scary because it’s yet more upheaval but on the other hand I’d probably have more support as I could get a live in au pair if I moved to the City. It’s the unknown that scares me.

I just feel like nobody would miss me if I were to just disappear. I’ve also found myself googling the option of giving up my child for adoption which disgusts me when I am able to think clearly because I live her more than anything. I know my mental health must be suffering to even be thinking of all this shit I just feel so low.

How old is your child?

Adopting out isn’t the answer.

Taking your own life isn’t the answer.

You sound like you have a well paid high earning job. You’re smart. You have skills. Don’t forget that.

You created a tiny human which you love. That’s scary and takes guts. Don’t forget that.

You’re grieving and that’s a long road. Forgive yourself for feeling low.

I would advise against making any quick decisions, but I think moving area and a new job should be moved to a back burner and let it sit. Maybe in 6 months it’s something you could do.

What’s your outlet? What’s you thing that gives small joys?

I have felt low and in a dark place and for me it’s always social contact. So I call a friend- and it has to be in the phone or face to face to have an impact- and just shoot the breeze. Reach out. Talk to people.

You would be missed. Your loss would be irretrievably catastrophic to your child. So be low, being low is ok. We don’t have our shot together. Life is sometimes crap. But things will get better.

You are the best thing that happened to your child, and you are their world. Never forget that or underestimate it.

Go and see your GP and ask for help.Tomorrow first thing.

Do your CV too.

Join your local facebook group if there is one, organise meeting with mums of kids of similar age, there's loads in my area.

2 mothers had shit time and decided to go to a soft play or park every single week, different place, same time. They advertise where they will be and anyone can join in and meet people.

Oh goodness. It sounds very hard for you right now.

But you are in the depths of grief and having to grieve alone and keep your mask on for work and your daughter is so hard. This is what grief and exhaustion do to a person - they make everything seem hopeless and terrible. However hard it is you must hold on to the fact that you have a beautiful child who needs you and for whom you are the sun and the stars. That may in itself feel like a burden but it’s also a blessing and when you have regained your strength you will feel it as a blessing.

Can you look to find some local support and friendship to get you through? The Gingerbread local groups might be worth looking at - just to have someone to connect with.

I feel for you so much. I’m a single parent and the daughter of a single parent so this is the only way of parenting I know. You can do this - you already are doing this. But grief is choking you up. Hoping you find some solace and encouragement on here.

I'm so sorry to hear the pressure and strain you are under. You are undoubtedly still grieving the loss of your mum and you will for however long you need to - that is very personal to everyone. Your boss sounds hideous. Do you have an HR department you can seek advice from? Or a Union? They can't be allowed to get away with it, it's just not on.
I wonder also if there is any scope for you to see a counsellor if you are not already doing so? You are shouldering so much responsibility and emotional upheaval and don't appear to be getting any sort of support for this, but perhaps they can help you to view the situation differently or just process some of your feelings? Your child 100% needs you and she would never fully get over losing her parent to suicide. Definitely call the Samaritans when things are really intense emotionally, who you can off load to and have a good cry (it always helps even if it takes a lot of sobbing). Just remember you are enough for your child and you are doing a remarkable job. Best wishes to you x

Op I assume your child is pre school age? Have you considered the idea it may be PND? A bereavement and relationship breakdown would massively compound this but that doesn't mean you are not suffering from mental health problems as well. Please speak to a GP. Suicidal thoughts should not be ignored.

So sorry you are feeling like this and you have been dealt such a rough hand. There will be light at the end of the tunnel. Life goes in phases and you will surely start the next, more positive, phase soon.

You should be complaining to HR about your boss, please do this. I get how scary this must be but he sounds like a bully.

Thank you. My ex pays maintenance so financially we are ok with is something to be thankful of. I try and write down gratitudes every day and I really try and see the best in my situation but I just feel so worn down. My child is 18 months old so still very young. I’d considered care.com to give me a break but I’m too anxious to use it, I just don’t like the thought of a stranger having her.

I do have a nice group of friends but they have husbands and just don’t understand. We have play dates but I never have childcare to go on nights out with them which I would love to do. It’s why City living seems attractive, I’d at least get some help with my daughter.

I think everything has got on top of me lately, my mum, my job and the difficulty in raising a child all by myself with no support. Sometimes I’d
Just like to have a poo in peace and not have to strategically time my bowel movements for when she’s in bed.

Sending massive hugs your way

Firstly your boss is an utter cunt . You deserve so much better . Keep your head down and seriously think about a new job . Try and Engage as little as you can but it’s worth keeping a log of events , discussions
Etc , this boss is new and you may not be the only person they are upsetting

Secondly you are grieving . You have lost a loved parent and it’s shit shit shit
It’s very understandable you feel extremely
Low right now .

See the suicidal thoughts as a trigger from
Your brain . You need some MH support

I know you will say what ! How can I get help ? I Have no time . But there is only so much .

You might (will) need some
Talking therapy , and you might need some AD to tide you over . I am not a
Doctor but to feel this low is a MH emergency and must be adressed

I know how it feels to have these thoughts , and you do need a helping hand

I am ever so sorry for your loss . Look after yourself

Please see a kind GP and ask for help , and keep talking here

You can get through this but it will take some effort from your end

I hear you OP. For years I washed my hair in the shower with only one hand. The other would be holding the shower door shut to try to stop my baby son from crawling into the shower with me. He used to sit on the floor and hit the glass door and wail because he was about 10 inches away from me.

He’s 10 now and at a sleepover. I miss them a lot now when they are not here whereas back then I craved every minute of peace that I didn’t get. Things do get better. You just need to get through in the meantime.

There’s a journey for single parents - surviving, striving, thriving. You are at the surviving phase. It’s just hard. As a PP said - it’s ok to be low. It would be odd if you weren’t given your recent bereavement. Go to the GP and see if they can help. In the mean time one foot in front of the other.

When you are ready for the next stage I think you really need to find a trusted childcarer or babysitter. The first time you leave your baby with them you will think that they are a kidnapper who is going to steal your child (I did). But you keep going until it feels ok. Then you add in an evening out or even just a solo trip to the hairdressers.

And eventually you will adapt. And one day you’ll look around and realise you’ve had a good day. You and your child laughed together. You enjoyed your time together. And then you’ll be winning.

I voted YABU just because suicide isn’t the answer not because I think you shouldn’t be struggling. It’s really hard to lose a parent suddenly especially if they were such a vital source of support. Be easy on yourself.
I think you should move job. I know it is scary but it’s the one source of unhappiness you can control and if you have a job thy isn’t making you miserable you can concentrate on coping with your grief and moving forward. Will you be very far from friends if you move?

Oh op my heart breaks for you. I've been whee you are many times. Googling life insurance for me at 3am so the kids have something if I do it. The guilt. The claustrophobia of what life seems to have become and feeling so trapped in certain situations. Like the only way out and best way out is suicide.

But it's not. Those things in your op are very hard to change but are not impossible to change. It's bloody hard when you feel like you do. And small kids are bloody hard. So is being a single mum. That's even with a support network. You have done incredibly well to be where you are right now. And for reaching out too. Your DCs need you in whatever state. Anything but dead.

Are you under any services?

Wow, to me you still sound so strong despite feeling so worn down. Your DD is lucky to have you as a role model. She needs you.

You are reading the signs that’s you’re struggling mentally and reaching out here to talk about it, which is brave and shows you want to deal with it. Does your employer provide any confidential counselling services? At difficult points in my life I have found counselling amazing at helping me see I have options and then gaining the courage to make new choices and change things for the better. It can’t change what has happened to you, what you have suffered or encountered in life but it can help you find your way through and out the other side. You matter, your life matters and your mental health matters - find some professional support ASAP x

How are you today lovely 😊
I couldn’t sleep last night , and whilst no suicidal thoughts (phew !) I did check this a few time’s
Call the GP , as just acknowledging you
Have a problem is a critical step

So appreciative of your posts. I woke up feeling foggy as I’d hardly slept but have made it into work today. I felt sick entering the building this morning but I’ve made myself a coffee and have settled my nerves a little.

I’ve booked an appointment to see my doctor on Monday and will also look into a bereavement counsellor today as that might help. Also dusting off my CV today and am going to spend some time this weekend looking for jobs. I might not make the move but I want to know what my options are.

So much of what other pps have written resonate with me particularly @Binterested about the shower, my dd is the same and I rush like a maniac to get myself showered. I am 100 mph 7 days a week and I think I’m exhausted and that’s driving all of this chaos.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time OP. Have you heard of home start? They offer fantastic support, have a look at their website. Hopefully there is a group near you.

No advice, just support. You have been through a horrendous time, OP. To still be pushing after all you have been through is incredible. If your doctor suggests signing you off work, I would do it. I think giving yourself some time and space would be helpful - even if it was just to get some sleep!

Hi @NotCopingSoWell,

We're sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. There are lots of organisations listed which can provide a bit of support. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. It's also worth looking at the resources on Mind's website - especially their section on tips for everyday living.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you'll be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We're going to move this thread to our Mental Health section shortly.

Sending good wishes, OP.

As the day wears on how are you feeling?

Feeling a bit better this evening. I’ve managed to eat something which is a good sign and I’m so glad it’s the weekend tomorrow. I think a weekend of rest might be a good tonic for me.

It’s lovely to know that there are so many lovely people out there. Thank you for your well wishes.

A walk is a great idea.

I have been taking a b6 and magnesium vitamin compound which had help me sleep and level my mood out (peri-menopausal).

How are you
OP ?