I don’t know if I have PND or just a really difficult baby

[AwkwardAsAllGetout]

I’ve been feeling really down for a few days and I need to get this out.
I have a dd who is almost 9 months old. She’s been a very difficult baby since birth, we were first told colic but now have a diagnosis of CMPA and I’ve cut dairy and there’s been an improvement. But she’s very very whiny. I should say she’s my fourth so its not like I don’t know what having a baby is like. I’ve been trying to just get on with things but I feel like I’ve hit a wall over Christmas and it’s all become too much. I cried at dh this morning as he left for work as I simply don’t want to have to be around dd all day. And god I hate that I feel that way.

It was a difficult pregnancy and tbh I think I expected to miscarry as I’d already had 3 miscarriages over the last few years. My mobility was wrecked by significant SPD which is still giving me problems. Had a lovely calm birth though. But not had a minute to catch my breath since.

Dd is very advanced, she was crawling at 4 months and has just started confidently walking, and everyone tells me I wouldn’t want a placid baby. But I really wouldn’t mind one if it meant I got a minute to myself! She’s just not ever satisfied, won’t sit and play. I’ve wondered if she also has reflux but getting anyone to help has been a nightmare. I’d desperately like to stop breastfeeding but even that seems insurmountable as we’d need special formula and the dietician was very pro breast feeding and made it clear the formula was Expensive for them to prescribe, and dd doesn’t willingly take a bottle either. She’s been biting me during feeds in the last few days which is making me feel even lower.

Dh is amazing and is totally besotted with her. He gets up with her in the mornings and has managed to get her into something of a bedtime routine, as until about 6 weeks ago we couldn’t put her down at all. And I mean at all. She still naps on me. And still wakes up every couple of hours at night so I’m getting no sleep. I think that’s the crux of it, the lack of sleep. I want to run away and just sleep. Be somewhere no one wants anything from me.

I had PND after my second child 10 years ago but this doesn’t feel the same. I was crippled with anxiety then and was on my own. I hate that I feel this way abut my own baby.

I know how you feel truly. I have been same.
But the way you feel now don’t have to be exactly the same as last time (10 years ago) to be some form of post natal mental health problem. I think the experience can be different each time.
I have to take my own advice and speak to someone - your gp will have seen this a million times before.
I want you to know that you are not alone. You are human and normal. You have been thrown into an extremely challenging situation, and that would affect most people with feeling and a soul. The very fact that you are worried about it shows you care - my sister told me this earlier.
I also got pressure to carry on breast feeding despite difficulties but eventually decided that carrying on wasn’t worth it for me or my daughter. Stop if you want to and get the prescription. You have persevered for ages anyway and that’s amazing. You have to be your own advocate and just tell the health visitor what’s best for you. Breast feeding has benefits but what’s wrong with bottle at 9 months? Nothing. Nothing wrong at 9 days either in my opinion! Whatever works for you.
Please call for a gp appointment and tell him/her you need support.
Remember, you are not alone x

Go talk to a GP. Ideally one you have spoken too before or you feel comfortable with and just say what you have said here. Read it if you feel more comfortable or even aso them to read it. Do ot feel any shame and take the pressure off yourself to diagnose or label your feelings. Just talking to someone non family/friends and them listening can be a small relief.

Thank you both. I’ve just emailed the consultant we’ve seen before asking for a prescription for milk so that’s something. I didn’t sleep at all last night for the third night in a row. I feel like I’m losing the plot. I’m debating going to stay at my parents house tonight so I can get some sleep but I’m desperately afraid they’ll say no or make me uncomfortable for having asked. My mum’s not exactly welcoming at the best of times. It’s that or a cheap hotel but I think that’ll just be depressing and I’m not sure I feel safe to drive being so tired

It can be both. Some babies/toddlers can be so difficult, they really test every last shred of your sanity. I do understand

No advice but you’re not on your own. Both my DCs were/are fussy babies.
Youngest has CMPA and is EBF. I’m at a point where I feel physically sick through lack of sleep now.
I’ve got DC2 into a routine during the day so she naps- but she won’t sleep unless held. I’m sick of hearing ‘you’re making a rod for your own back’ because she genuinely does not sleep unless cuddled. I’ve tried leaving her her for short periods of time to self settle and it just ends in her screaming until she is sick. She then gets herself worked up because she is overtired and has always been a nap refuser unless you nurse/cuddle her to sleep.
I’ve now been awake for 3 solid hours with her. She’s been fed, changed, winded, rocked in just about every conceivable place in the house and she’s still unsettled and screaming as soon as she seems to nod off.
I’m freezing, shattered, look like shite, eating shite (through sheer exhaustion) so I totally get where you’re coming from and if you need to vent I’m here to listen.

@DryToast I’m so sorry you’re in the same boat. I’m at the stage now where I haven’t slept at all for about 4 days I think. I can’t see or hear properly and I just want to die. I’ve spent the morning plotting how to run away

Please speak.up to those you trust and be totally honest about how you feel. Do not label yourself anything buy aloving mum. If you didn't care you woukdnt be so exhausted trying to do the right thing. Have you anyone who can just be in the house even, to let you sleep for a few hours....

Did you go to your parents OP? You sound like me, too proud to ask for help but utterly exhausted.
Please speak to someone, I’m worried about you.
You’re an excellent mum. You’re keeping everything together despite feeling like this, you’re continuing to put your baby first despite everything you’re going through so please do not doubt yourself.

Why can't your husband have her for a few hours for you to sleep? Even if he has to work you could go to bed from 5-11/12 which would give you a solid 6 hours or so. I'm sure he could manage the kids for one evening. I really don't understand - am I missing something?

I’m still not sure with mine! I was diagnosed with severe PND but now I’m well out the other side I don’t know how much was just having a very tough time with feeding, sleep, everything. I guess a bit of both.

I remember thinking I’d like to be run over but I think that was the sleep deprevation.

Your DH needs to treat this as the crisis it is. I made huge improvements once i prioritised sleep. As a PP suggested I used to go to bed at like 6.30 and sleep till midnight. Those 5 hours left me knackered but not hallucinating or suicidal.

You need to get some sleep. Book a hotel and ask your husband to drop you there and have a really good sleep. You are just too tired to think straight. Be kind to yourself.

Thanks everyone. I should have made clear, my husband is amazing. But my problem is massive insomnia. I just can’t seem to switch my brain off enough to drop off, which has always been the case to some extent, I’ve suffered on and off for all of my adult life. Whereas he’s a head on the pillow and out like a light type. The physical symptoms I’m having today due to lack of sleep are awful. I feel unsteady, poor vision and hearing and I can’t seem to take anything in. He’s also never suffered poor mental health so I’m not sure he understands it. We got in at 2 this afternoon after a quick trip out and he sent me straight to bed, after running me a bath and I only got up at 7.30 to eat the dinner he cooked me and I’ve just got back into bed. He said he’ll sleep downstairs tonight so at least he won’t be disturbing me. He also told me to book into the doctors next week and he’ll take the day off and come too. So it’s not that he’s not supportive at all.

I’ve surprised and disgusted myself in the last few days by realising I just don’t want to be in sole charge of dd. Dh has already said I don’t have to get dressed tomorrow and he’ll take the dc as well as the baby out to spend their Christmas toy vouchers. But my mind is skipping to next week and being alone with dd and my heart fills up with a physical feeling of utter dread. I seem to have toppled off a cliff a bit in the last few days