Waffly and self pitying sorry.

[Embarrassedandashamed]

Posting on what is going to seem a bit of a dodgy topic really. Just seem to be finding it all a bit too much really. Have just had the stress of moving house whilest pregnant which has been hard. But I am also finding the pregnancy very hard too. It wasn't planned and I find the thought very daunting. I don't think I am looking forward to being a mother. I don't feel ready, I don't know that I can offer very much to this baby. I feel awful when people try and talk to me about the baby and I just don't know what to say as I just don't feel very excited. I feel petrified. They think I am crazy when I say anything like this, no-one seems to understand that I am facing a huge responsibility and I do want to do my best, but don't feel the best I can do will be enough. I don't feel like I have done everything I want to with my life and don't think I will be able to do it after the baby is born. I feel torn in so many directions.

Money is tight and I have tried to save up for the baby, but it has all been eaten up by the expenses of moving. I'm back to square one. DH hasn't saved anything, our money is still seperate at the moment, I am reluctant to share one account. We are arguing every day at the moment. They are always resolved pretty much straight away, which I think is down to him more than me. Normally arguments can last for ages with us. I want to try and conserve all my money but on the other hand we haven't been out for an evening together since May, and aren't likely to get the chance to when baby arrives, which isn't far away. So I feel I ought to try and take the opportunity now, but can't feel like I should be spending the money. He still goes out with his friends, and spends all his money every month and I feel quite resentful. He does not have so much 'spare' money as me though.

I don't really want to go anywhere or see anyone as I just feel a huge, fat mess who has really let herself go and I am ashamed of myself. He wants me to go and meet him and his friend this evening but I feel too embarrassed. I need to go shopping too but seem to have got myself in such a state I just don't want to leave the house. I never used to be like this, I used to be out and about too much if anything. But now I would rather just sit at home in front of the tele. I dread going to work. I know I am so lucky to be carrying this baby, so many people have such problems and I m just wallowing in self pity really. I have had a problem free, text book pregnancy thus far and should not be moaning. But I feel torn in so many directions I don't know where I am going anymore.

So sorry you're feeling low. just wanted to send some virtual support - having a first baby is daunting for anybody, whether they planned to or not... chatting about it here on mn i'm sure will help, so keep going! there are lots of v caring people who will be much more eloquent than me

hello embarrassedandashamed.

First of all no need to be embarassed and ashamed. Lots of women hate being PG - it's just very difficult to admit it sometimes in RL. I think the statistic is that 1 in 10 women have ante-natal depression, and there are obviously going to be a lot more than that who are grouchy/unhappy without being depressed. I know its tough if you don't meet the society myth of blooming PG woman. Physically (after an initial ectopic scare) PG was like falling off a log for me. Unfortunately psychologically it was pretty bad for me, and I ended up on Prozac at 30 weeks, so I know where you are coming from. I know there has been a thread in recent weeks on feeling miserable in PG - so you are far from alone in this.

To a certain extent you are very sensible to be anxious about the life changes that a baby will cause - and I hope that you find the adjusting period after birth less tough as you have already prepared yourself a bit now as it were.

Re:money. rather than relinquish the financial indepedence if you are not prepared to, could you set up a joint account for bills/baby related expenses etc. It's tough feeling that you have to reinvent the wheel to sort out payment for every little item, so that could make things much easier. Also I think you do need to get as much sorted out now financially with DH without the baby to distract you. It sounds unfair that he isn't also saving up money.

Also re:money. Babies don't cost that much. Don't get too hung up on the Mamas & Papas/baby magazine designer nursery. At the very start all a baby needs is babygros, changing mat, (if bottlefeeding bottles and formula) and somewhere to sleep, plus a buggy of some description. A lot of things you can get second hand. I would say the only thing you shouldn't get second hand is a car seat.

In general - if you don't feel up to going out, that's up to you, but try and do something to relax in the house and make the most of the time before you give birth.

take care
x

I think most people find it daunting when its their first baby. I went through months of saying I cant be a parent, Im not ready, shes just going to have to stay where she is. But once your baby is in the real world nothing else matters. I have always struggled with money, and spent more than I should have before dd was born. A lot of what I had brought i didnt need. Dont worry about not having enough money as you only need essentials, and Im sure family and friends will want to be helping out. Have you tried talking to your dh about how you feel? It's probably just down to hormones and being tired through the pregnancy but a night out could be a good idea, even if its just an hour. Hope you feel better. ((hugs)) xxx

just giving this a bit of a bump

just wanted to add my pennyworth. Sorry you are feeling so low. You have been through a move, stressful, you are pregnant, hard to adjust to at times, you are very very low "really let herself go" because you are going through so much. Hugs coming your way, you will get through it but for the time being maybe you just need time to wallow in a bit of self pity and hopefully tomorrow your new house and the prospect of a baby on they way will seem better. I hope so anyway. It is hard but you are not alone. Sorry rushing.

Thank you for your responses . I have heard of the ante-natal depression but some days I feel fine and like I am coping and others I just so don't! I had a dreamy, unrealistic expectation of pregnancy so it is no wonder that it has been an uphill struggle. I just don't visualise myself as a mother, although DH seems to think I will be fine... I just can't imagine it at all. I'm worried that I will be bad for my baby IYKWIM.

i had an awful pregnancy, and dreaded labour, but tbh, looking back on my labour, it wasnt that bad and i had no pain relief!! is it just nerves of being a new mum? do u have family and friends nearby that will be there to help and support you? and if you're unsure of something, you have your hv at the end of the phone or us mumsnetters!

i did find it very hard to visualise myself as a mum as well, and tbh i sometimes dont feel like dd's mum. i feel like her big sister as stupid as that sounds. but i love her very much, and im sure you will be a brilliant mum when the baby arrives. just always ask for help if you need it! are there any other worries you are having? xxx

Tammybear you are very sweet! I think everything I worry about is normal. Just probably the biggest responsibility I will ever face and is very daunting. I worry that I won't be able to make my little baby happy, I can't imagine talking to them and interacting with them. I worry what my mum will think of me, I just can't imagine being a loving mum to them. And that is so much what I want to be. I guess I don't feel like I have bonded with the baby at all in there. I hope I feel differently when they arrive.

Emb - I found it really difficult to connect my bump with being a real baby. And once the baby was born, couldn't connect her with being the bump!! You have had such a lot going on, it is no wonder that you feel things are getting on top of you, and when you feel like that, the smallest things can become absolutely immense. No matter how you imagine motherhood to be, or how you imagine it should be, it will always be completely different. The fact that you are worrying about being the best parent to your child, shows what a lovely caring mother he/she is going to have. Try not to worry - what you are feeling right now is completely natural. You will be fine When is the baby due?

Emb,

sorry to hear you are feeling down. Like the others I just wanted to send you a hug or two and let you know that you are not alone. When I was pregnant with my dd, I had a terrible time, I had images of lazing about eating choccie and blooming, instead I spent about six months with my head in the toilet and not being able to go anywhere near food! I felt terribly sorry for myself and wondered what I had done! I hate to repeat what others have said, but your feelings are natural and you will find light at the end of the tunnel!

agree with muminamillion, you'll make a wonderful mum. dont worry about what your mum will say. my mum constantly nags at me about things that i should be doing with dd, and sometimes it gets annoying but she has raised me and my sis and bros so she is an expert. take note of what your mum says to you, accept breaks for her to look after the baby, and im sure she will be proud of you for giving her a grand daughter/son.