I feel like an absolute hypochondriac even posting this and I'm really hoping not to come across as one.
An on-off friend of mine, who I've got closer to this year on mutual mental health grounds, told me she had borderline personality disorder. I'd never heard of it so googled it to see what it was and if I can maybe help after she mentioned about whether she should give print outs of it to her family to help them understand it. Then I thought "omg, I have some of these traits!". Just for the record, I have been diagnosed with depression, social anxiety and anxiety (although the anxiety feels better, but maybe it's not. I don't know).
Fast forward a few months and I had 2 appts with a psychiatrist who wanted to see me 'for a diagnosis'. I started worrying she suspected bipolar. After a thorough history/assessment, she said I have a dependant personality. After googling about BPD, I recognised dependant personality disorder. And yes I tick a lot of boxes for that too, as well as avoidant personality disorder.
When I get depressed, the whole world is against me. I have self-harmed twice but fought the urge countless times, I've been very close to overdosing recently, I hate how all my friends have abandoned me (literally!) and why none came to the surprise birthday get together my other half organised to help with my mental health "we know how much she's struggling with her mental health so I want her to know there are people who care about her" is what he tagged me in on Facebook. I never saw it cos I've not been on since before my birthday in October. I get incredibly angry and need to scream. None of my friends came to see me when I had baby number 3 in January. My other half goes on about mood swings but I don't really feel them. Well ok, I know I have them but they don't feel like a problem. My moods range from ok to very depressed/angry. I can't see myself from the third person.
Anyway, I just don't know whether I should bring this up with my CPN. She last saw me 27th December and I was in pieces crying to her. Saying I wanted to stab or strangle my other half and other negative things. I feel like a hypochondriac if I even mention about personality disorders to her. I'd rather she brought it up if she thought it. I don't feel like she's much help tbh cos all she ever says is I shouldn't be so hard on myself (in terms of my parenting. I feel I fail my children so so much socially). All health and social care professionals all say the same, I'm sick of hearing it. If I do any less, I'd be neglecting them! Yes I'm a perfectionist and just determined to raise emotionally and physically healthy children. My children are 4, 3 and 11 months.