I am so self indulgent

[ruby7]

I read all these messages from people coping with affairs, 4 children, no money, husbands having breakdowns etc, and I hate myself. I have only one son, who is absolutely gorgeous of course, a nice house, not massive money worries. Yet I have terrible anxiety/depression and have just had to up my dose of anti depressants even further as I just cannot cope.

I don't think depression or anxiety is an illness. I've read so much about it and thought so much about it (which I hate myself for as well) and I have been led to believe there's no such thing as a chemical imbalance, and it's all about negative thought patterns you can change. But I just can't change them. And that makes me feel even more guilty and trapped and depressed and panicky.

Went to see a friend yesterday who is desperate for a child but is single, and I could tell he was just thinking I was a negative and ungrateful cow. Similarly another friend of mine has just lost a baby at 38 weeks and is powering through. I just hate mysefl!

This is entirely unreasonable to feel this way, but I just can't seem to pull myself out - despite acupuncture, counselling, exercise etc.

Does anyone feel similarly?

Perhaps there are things in your life you are coping with, even if they're not affairs or money etc.And you havent identified it yet, or recognised that you are entitled to feel sad. I don't think you have to have more than one child to be depressed or find things difficult, I have one ds also. It sounds that you are down on yourself ruby, that is a sign of depression you know!
I feel similarly, and have had various counsellors over the years and ad's.
Some times I think I am just wallowing in it, even though I have had some tough times, they are in the past, and that I should be able to get on with it, and as you say others are 'powering through'.

i dont think we have to justify feeling depressed. but it is hard work knowing oneself, and accepting that part of you and realising that it is only part of you.

Hope this makes sense.

hi sasquatch

that really does help yes. I wish I could see that it was just part of me - it feels like it's all there is at the moment.

and if it were just one episode then it would be easier to deal with, but it just seems to be going on and on! do you go up and down?

Occassionally I get a little up, but mostly its flat or down.

I think there are alot of self 'help' books about which i disagree with. You say you 'have been led to believe' which sounds as though you dont believe them.
I do believe in a chemical imbalance which is why I take ad's, how about you?
I think we do get into a cycle of negative thinking and that to some extent it is manageable, but that those behaviours are symptoms of underlying depression and unhappiness which I am still working hard to resolve.

I have a very good therapist at the moment who often reminds me when I am on the "I should be able to cope with this" tack, that I have a lot of pain and that it is behind some of my behaviours and anxiety.
I dont always appreciate this at the time though.

ruby

I understand what you are saying and i have suffered from depression myself. Like you I have a good life so it felt ridiculous that i should feel so low. Things are much better now but i still get bouts every now and again.

About whether depression is an illness then I personally think it is. What you say about negative feelings and changing them is right but there is an interatction between brain and environment. By that i mean that the chemicals in your brain can effect the way you feel and how you interpret the world and, conversly, things in your life and how you feel can effect the chemicals in your brain. I can't think of the right terminology right now.

thanks ladies. i think if only i could accept that it was an illness, then it would all be much easier. or at least knew WHY it happens.

it reminds me of when my ds was born and i couldn't produce enough milk and was hounded by the breast feeding fascists, all horrified that i was giving some formula at 7 days because the poor little thing was starving. i wold have loved loved to breastfeed him all the time, but i just couldn't and the guilt was incredible.

i feel the same about not being able to live my life by keeping on the straight and narrow with fish oils and the odd massage!

I just sometimes feel that it's the very thought 'I'm depressed' that makes me feel the most hopeless. For example ,I could be having a really nice day, and then start thinking, 'but I'm depressed' and that brings me right down again. Don't know if that makes sense, but I feel like it's a life sentence. A big full stop on my life forever. And totally defines me. Or I can be in the park having a nice time with my son, and I'll see other Mums all sorted with a trillion children and all smiley, and I think, oh I'm a failure compared to them because 'I'm depressed'. ARGH!

And yes, I've read lots of self help books, most of which say, ignore the thoughts, or watch them like leaves floating past, and pay them no attention. Which is all very well and good, but I can't do it, and that makes me feel even more low.

I wish that there was some definitive definition of depression which would make me feel like I'm on the right track, or doing the right thing, rather than feeling like a failure for having to medicate. My mother in law very kindly told me last week that it was a 'half life' and that I'm masking my real feelings, and if I can't cope now then how will I in the future, as life only gets worse!!!! What an old cow....

Sorry for ramling...

Dear Ruby. I think perfectionism is a part of depression sometimes - setting impossibly high standards then feeling like a failure. I can relate to the b/f. I breast and bottle fed simultaneously, was made to feel like a criminal at the hospital. But as my husband said, whatever works, it's no one else's business. I think it helps to stop comparing oneself to others or how other peoples lives seem to be...

Well your MIL is wrong ruby. Ads these days don't leave you walking around living a half life. If you had some underlying issues that were causing the depression then certainly ADs alone won't make you better but if not (as in my case) then they can- although you do need to work on the negative feelings and thoughts. I know its hard but when those thougths creep in you must try and stop yourself. Block them out, go and see a friend for a coffee and a chat, play your favourite song and sing it really loudly- find something that works and don't let those bad feelings take over. It takes practice but i found it gets easier with time. Have you tried relaxation techniques such as breathing exercises or visualisation techniques? My sister swears by them.

chocchip makes a good point about not comparing yourself too. Apart from the fact that you are your own person and everyone is different you can't know how those other women are feeling inside. I have a friend at school who is very like me - everyone else thinks we are really organised and happy and in control.....but in reality 1/2 the time we are only just holding it together. We describe it as the swan effect - on the surface all seems calm but under the surface we're kicking madly just to stay afloat.

Ooh dustystar, the swan effect, I didn't know anyone else had coined that phrase!!

Ruby, there are so many ways in which your post was a mirror image of my own life/feelings. Finally I have realised that it's not just me needing to pull myself together.
I get so angry now when I see "did you know, exercise is better than antidepressants", or someone says "ooh, I tried reiki and I'm a new woman". etc etc ad nauseum.

I had a boyfriend for a long time who had insulin dependent diabetes. He was very bad at controlling it, and would often fly into rages.. during which he was in absolute denial that he needed to eat/take insulin/check his blood sugar etc. I see this as exactly the same.

For some reason not everyone makes exactly the right amount of seratonin (sp?).. why is this so hard for us to accept, when we commiserate so easily over insulin, thyroxine, or oestrogen for example?
The reason is that no one can give us a blood test easily and say "ah, yes, Mrs X, it seems that your seratonin is only 2.3, outside the normal range of 6.5-10.3, so you need drugs for some time to come...."

See? When you're in teh middle of it it makes no sense at all.. but if I think of it in those terms it makes it all a lot easier to deal with.

Oh, and the "let it float over you" brigade want lining up and shooting.

Hi Ruby, How are things going today???

Hi my support team. I've just spent £50 buying something on the internet which said 'end panic attacks and anxiety today!' and of course it hasn't helped at all. I have now convinced myself that if only I could stop thinking of myself as anxious then I will be better. I felt great last night and now have spent all day at work with a beating heart and dreading being back at home and having to look after my DS and pretending to my DP that I'm not completely mental. I can barely smile anymore. Everyone at work is saying how thin I am, and my DP is getting really worried and down too. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I've exhausted all avenues and I'm the only person on earth who won't get over this anxiety. I've upped my dose and will see what happens.

to op.
i often feel this way, particularly when things are going well. i feel even worse.
it hink its important tohave something in life to do to leave you little or no time to think about your own problems. i also ithingk it a bad idea to think about aother peoples issues.

If you are feeling panicy its worth avoiding caffine and alcohol as they can both make you feel worse

Maybe your Ads don't suit you anymore Ruby. This happened with my SIL and its took her a while to find another that suited her. She bacame quite anxious for a while and the GP said it was all related to her depression even though she felt more anxious than low. She's on venlaflaxine now and they seem to work much better for her and she is doing well.

hence my MN name ...all the school mums think i am soooo laid back and chilled with my 3 under 6yrs...but in reality I am a stresshead most school mornings with bulging veins etc!! what you see on the surface ain't necessarily whats going on underneath ...just remember that and also how people see you will be different from how you see yourself....