Borderline, relationship breaking down, history repeating itself

[FreckledLeopard]

I've literally wasted a decade of my life. 10 years ago today I met my ex-husband. We married and divorced shortly afterwards. I then moved cities. Met my ex in early 2014, broke up in late 2015 and was suicidal for 6 months. Met now DP who came along like a knight in shining armour during that break up, 'rescued' me and now, nearly four years later this relationship is breaking down.

I have a BPD diagnosis from nearly 20 years ago. I stayed out of any crisis and was pretty calm for 12 years until everything crashed down in 2015, triggered by the break up. Now I'm in exactly the same spot, almost to the day. I have not engaged with mental health services for years and would rather be dead than have to deal with them. I had some DBT four years ago but really all that stopped the issues was getting together with DP, having rapidly become utterly obsessed with him shortly after the breakdown of my previous relationship. He was there, he was kind to me, he gave me a hug and opened an enormous can of worms where I was utterly obsessed with him and could think of nothing but to be with him. I was extremely ill and vulnerable and all I wanted was him. The DBT did little for me. Once I got with him, my symptoms subsided and things stabilised. Until now.

I can't go through another break up. The last one nearly killed me. I can't cope with rejection. I don't want to be back into a spiralling pit of self harm and suicidal ideation. But I can't stay with him in the circumstances.

I have a mother with dementia, a dead father and no siblings. My friends and family are not close by. It's me and the cats once DP leaves. How do I explain to my mother that DP has left me? She can't understand things anymore but knows who he is. How do I explain to work that I'm a fucking mess and an abject failure?

I wish DP would snap and kill me. That way the pain would stop but it wouldn't be me ending it and leaving my daughter. I can't abide the thought of leaving her but can't stand the pain.

It's a new decade dawning and all I want is to be dead. Everywhere I look there are successful, happy people. I am a fuck up and a failure at life.

How the holy fuck do I get through another failed relationship when I love him so much? Why do I have a personality disorder which fucks up my life?

Hey,

I didn't want to read and run. I don't have BPD myself although have bits and pieces of the symptoms.

If you can hold off on the suicide thing for a while (I've lived with ideation for months at a stretch myself so believe that ideation is survivable even if you have to survive it in ten-second chunks) you might be able to make things a bit better. I totally understand not wanting to go back to services. However staying in a failing relationship is not great for BPD symptoms either. What is happening there? Are you living together?

If you do need medical leave from work this does mean engaging with your GP at a minimum to get the medical certificate if you need more than 7 days off. My own employer were and continue to be beyond tolerant of my crazy and I have had masses of medical leave over the past half a decade, I am aware not all employers are like this though.

RE your mum with dementia I do not know how best to handle, you could try asking the question in the Elderly Parents or Dementia MN topic, as surely you cannot be the only person to face a relationship breakdown with a parent who has Dementia. Are you your mum's carer?

Anything else we can do?

Thank you so much for replying. I've had about three hours of sleep and now awake again. Just cannot take the pain. Can't take time off work - hoping it may be a distraction from the hell.

Yes, we live together. It's my house. He would literally have nothing if he left but that to him seems preferable to building a future with me.

I have no-one nearby. I don't want my friends to be worrying about me again and having to call and freak out. I just want to disappear. I have a pounding headache and have no idea how to get through the day.

Anyone have any advice? Walked in to work with DP and still no further forwards. He knows I'm fucked up, knows I can't deal with a break up, yet allows me to be in this position. Why the fuck did he come into my life at all if he's going to leave me even more broken than I was before? Who is going to pick up the pieces now?

What exactly has triggered this post ?
The 'building a future with me' with your DP?

What does that mean ?

I'm sorry you're hurting OP. I know quite a lot about BPD so I understand the raw emotion you are feeling right now, it feels like someone is pulling your heart out and it's horrific.

What are the circumstances of the break up? Why is it happening? Is it your DPs idea or a joint decision?

With the best will in the world, relationships shouldn't be formed under the ideology of rescuer vs victim. It sets in stone a power struggle called the drama triangle that is hard to break, particularly as you now feel your entire world revolves around this man and you are lost without his input. That's just your mental health telling you lies. It's not true.

BPD as you know includes the fear of abandonment, which is what you are feeling right now, I know. Your mental health improved because you felt saved and you felt secure. But unfortunately that can only last for so long because the fear of abandonment is always lurking around the corner.

My advice, although you said you would rather be dead than involve MH team, would be exactly that. You have a child you need to consider in this, and whilst your relationship may not be salvageable, it's success is not indicative of your worth as a person. DBT, and other forms of therapy will help to confirm that to you. Truly, it would be advisable to do this therapy on your own, as a single person, so that a relationship or rescuer does not dull the sensation of how badly you feel - the therapy will work best when you are dealing with it on your own and without distractions taking you away from the real issue, which will always be there regardless of who you are with.

I would advise making a call, and setting those wheels in motion. Don't let your illness tell you you are not worth anything.

I'm here to listen and help

Hi OP,

It sounds like you're going through a very difficult time, and I can understand your fears of history repeating itself.

However, you've recognised a pattern, and that is actually the first step in trying to stop that pattern from continuing. You write with a lot of self-awareness about the past 10 years and you have experience, and your DBT skills now, which you didn't have before.

I know you don't want to make contact with mental health services, but I wonder if you can afford some private therapy with someone who has experience of BPD and trauma (the two are usually interlinked)? Long term therapy with someone you trust may help you where you feel DBT didn't.

As a previous poster said, the "real issue", whatever it is, will keep coming up unless it is addressed.

I hope you continue to find some support here and can find someone irl to speak to as well,

Thank you. I've done DBT four years ago but it was ultimately useless at the time as all that stabilised me was getting together with DP. And whilst it was a truly bizarre way of getting together, the relationship works very well and we work together very well, but for the main issue that is coming between us now. I want more children. He doesn't. He has good reasons. My biological clock is ticking ever more loudly and it's so hard to see where the reasonable reasons for wanting children end, and the BPD obsession with having them begins.

I don't want to break up, but can't see a way forwards without one of us conceding. But if I break up, I don't want to be a suicidal, self-harming mess - it isn't fair on anyone.

I've emailed the DBT therapist to see if there are sessions available. She normally takes an age to reply, so can't see anything happening quickly.

Hang in there @FreckledLeopard.

I am not a therapist but what jumps out from your post is that your fear of breaking down again is keeping you stuck in your current relationship, when it is far from a given that you will relapse in the way that you fear. I understand the terror of relapse, I really do, but with the right support you can end this relationship without trashing your own MH I would imagine.

(Partly projection as my own MH disasters seem to be only partly dependent on what is going on around me, the other part is somewhat more random.)

Apologies if that is a bit direct, I've been chastised for that on MN before.

If the property is your own then it is to you to make in leave though and that is really, really tough I think. (I was not in that situation but something vaguely similar, lots of love left between us.)

Yes - it's definitely a fear of becoming suicidal or ending up dead. But I also love him and want to be with him. But we don't want the same things and I don't want to sacrifice being a mother again, or at least the chance of that.

I have so many people giving me so much different advice; it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

And all I see on bloody social media is people posting about the excitement of a new decade when all I can think is that I've just wasted the last 10 years of my life.

Ahahaha maybe you’re on the wrong bit of social media? I’ve got lots of friends with SMI we’re all a bit agog at the thoughtless posturing, most of us quite frankly glad to have survived the past decade, some of us more glad than others.

I can imagine RE wood for the trees but from what you have said it might be best to let this one go, staying with someone bc you feel as if they are protecting you from yourself isn’t massively sustainable (well my ex just left me anyway when I was in crisis IYSWIM 🤷🏽‍♀️)

Do you find talking stuff through helps you? Some people do some people don’t.

I just don't know what to do for the best. It's just he and I at home today and I'm desperately trying to figure out what to do so we don't end up arguing/crying. So I'm just avoiding him, not really talking and avoiding eye contact. Might see if I can go and stay with friends at the weekend and have some space from each other. But don't want to hurt him and kick him when he's down - his family situation is just awful (can't say too much but it really is the worst thing that could befall someone) and there I am saying we need to split up if he doesn't want the same things as me in life.

Yesterday day was good. I was so calm and detached and numb and at work and could have just existed in that frame of mind indefinitely. Now it's back to anxiety and racing thoughts and misery. Can't wait to be back in the office tomorrow.

Are you on medication? I have a BPD diagnosis and I find that anti-anxiety medication stops me from catastrophising.

What it won't do is make a bad relationship good. Is your dp violent towards you?

OP, I remember your thread from several months ago about your desperation for a baby and your distress that your partner was not on the same page. I’m really sorry to read that things haven’t improved.
You say upthread that he doesn’t want to build a life with you. I don’t think that’s necessarily true - from what I remember from the last thread he’s more than happy to stay with you and build a life, but just one that doesn’t involve children. His reasons for not wanting more children (from a quick look) have no doubt solidified from his current, very sad circumstances.
This means, if you aren’t willing to accept that you won’t have another child, then you are fundamentally incompatible.
You have shown some real insight in saying you don’t know whether it’s your BPD obsessiveness driving the desire for another child. That, coupled with your idealised views of what your child would be together from your last thread does raise some real questions about whether it’s what you really want and how you would react if the reality didn’t live up to your idea of how it would be ( a very likely scenario). I think it’s great you’re seeking some MH support even if you don’t think it will be effective - you’ve really got nothing to lose at this point.
Also, and I’m going to say this kindly but directly and hope it doesn’t come across as too harsh - people I the previous thread questioned whether you were in a good place to have a baby. Things seem to have deteriorated since then. You don’t seem like you are in the right place to have a baby’s and are clearly intelligent enough to realise that a baby would not fix this, with the sleep deprivation and stress that they add to any relationship.
Perhaps it is time to be thankful for the child you have, and a partner who seems in every other way from what you’ve said, is supportive and kind.
I wish you well 💐

As someone with a close relative with BPD, I would say you really should get in touch with mental health services. You need help in managing this condition, and there's no shame in that. My relative was always most resistant to seeking help at the times she needed it most, but when she did engage it helped enormously.

I couldn’t read and not reply. I have had mental health issues myself and been through some horrendous break ups.

Firstly, I have to say, please don’t hurt yourself as if your life ended, your daughter’s would be destroyed forever. Imagine thinking your Mum didn’t love you enough to live. (Although that’s not the case in your mind, it would be in hers).

Cherish the fact that you have a daughter as many would kill for a child.
Secondly, if your relationship were to fail, it would be devastating and difficult but you would be able to survive. Your life should not be dependent on any man. Maybe you should join some class, make some friends and gain a little independence, confidence and strength. My friend has BPD and has improved by meeting with friends and going swimming and doing yoga. I would suggest you see a doctor, although MH services are awful (from my own experiences), he may be able to adjust medication etc...
I wish you the very best and hope that you do not take any drastic action. X

My biological clock is ticking ever more loudly and it's so hard to see where the reasonable reasons for wanting children end, and the BPD obsession with having them begins.

I'm going to be a little bit harsh here. You have a DD, and you feel, today, like you would rather your partner murdered you than you have to make the decision to leave him. You aren't stable, and your current moods will be affecting your DD. Frankly, it would be selfish and wrong for you to have another child. You can be a good mum to the one you have, but your BPD means you shouldn't have any more.
Lots of people have unfair things that prevent them from having the number of children they would like. Infertility, miscarriage, illness, break ups etc. It's harsh to say you shouldn't have another but also true.
If you can get some therapy in place ASAP to unpick why you want another baby and what's going on with the break up etc you may feel better.

DD lives abroad. Mental health provision is dire here and I am doing everything in my power to avoid being labelled as a patient. I've managed pretty well for the past 16 years, bar the blip four years ago. When I was an inpatient back in 2003, the psychiatric nurse told me I had a choice as to whether to go and live a life or be an eternal patient and I've chosen the former.

I'm not self-harming. I'm doing everything in my power to stay stable and go to work and not fall apart.

I haven't heard back from DBT private therapist but shall engage with her when I do.

If it was infertility or something I could accept it. What I can't accept is the absolute rejection from DP of not being willing to consider having a child with me. If we didn't use contraception and nothing happened then so be it. I don't want IVF and interventions. I want DP to say fine, let's leave contraception to one side and see what happens and go from there. Or, given the bloody awful timing and family issues he has, say fine, let's freeze embryos or something and keep all options open until the dust has settled and see what happens then.

Why do you want another baby though? Why do you think you're in a good place to raise another child? I think your DP is being very sensible

Because I loved raising DD, because I have a good job, house and enough money to have more children, because I always wanted more than one child, because I want someone else to be there to help DD when I'm old so that it's not just her having to help me as and when the time comes (I'm an only child and it sucks).

I love play dates, the school run, PTA, travelling with a child or teenager. Watching movies together.

Having DD was the best thing I did, in spite of being so young, and I want to experience that again.

So,
Series of failed relationship with traumatic break ups , knight in shining armour , rescuers, obsessions , ideation, and finally.
...

'But don't want to hurt him and kick him when he's down - his family situation is just awful (can't say too much but it really is the worst thing that could befall someone) '

And you want a baby ?

Did you have anything useful to add to this thread @4pence? This isn't AIBU.

I've wanted a baby forever. I've wanted more than one child ever since having DD. I have a good job, good career, nice house in a nice area and love children. Yes, I also have had mental health issues - does this mean I should be sterilised or have had my daughter taken from me?

I've posted here for support and many posters have been great. Character assassination or otherwise really isn't helpful.

While some of the posters seem harsh OP, the situation you describe is not one of stability and it's not fair to bring a baby into it. You have said you fear becoming suicidal or ending up dead, how is that the right headspace for becoming a parent? Imagine what that would do to the daughter you already have, let alone a little baby if you kept having those thoughts?

I wish DP would snap and kill me. That way the pain would stop but it wouldn't be me ending it and leaving my daughter.

This is a major signal that you are ill OP. You want your partner to kill you, and the fact that it would devastate your daughter doesn't matter because you didn't cause it. That is extremely disordered thinking.

Please engage with your mental health services ASAP. You have been able to come back from difficult times before and build a good life, you can do it again but only if you get the help you need. If you can't bear to do it for yourself, do it for your daughter.

There seem to be some contradictions here. Your own description of your last break up as being six months of suicidal ideation - this is far from a ‘blip’. You say you don’t want interventions or IVF but then that you want to freeze embryos. You say you’re desperate for another child but if it was infertility you would just accept it?
You speak a lot about this interns of your perceived rejection of you and I think that’s the key issue. Your partner not wanting anymore children is not a fundamental rejection of you. That is about as logical as saying that you wanting more children is a fundamental rejection of the daughter you already have.
Ultimately though, given what your partner is currently going through I think it would be cruel to continue laying this at his door. If this is what you truly want then you need to end your relationship for his sake as well as your own, and set about achieving what you want on your own.
On a purely practical note - the odds are overwhelmingly against your daughter having a close relationship with any other child you have given her age and that she lives abroad. You say you were an only child and it sucks - both your DD and any future child are going to have the lived experience of being only children because they simply won’t have the shared upbringing for them to feel otherwise (I have siblings with roughly the same age gap older than me as would be between a child you had in the next 2 years and your DD and I have always been considered an only child, and it has been made clear to me since I was very little I’m not part of their ‘gang’)

Both posts from Thatsnotmymeerkat and Sakura 7 are spot on .

Focus on your daughter