Regrets and anxiety

[vilamoura2003]

Does anyone else suffer with anxiety related to regrets/past choices 🤷‍♀️

I'm 42 and my DD is now 15 - lately I'm having massive anxiety about why did we only have one child 😬 I fed huge regret about it and keep dwelling on it. At the time, circumstances meant it never seemed the right time and it never worried me, I was always quite sure we had done the right thing for us and being honest I'm not sure my DH would have coped with more than one (maybe nor me for that matter!).

I have lost a few people this year and feel my family unit is diminishing and I don't think this helps as I find myself panicking and wishing I had had a bigger family. It's kind of too late to do anything out it now and I find myself massively regretting the choices I have made. I sometimes think I must be bonkers - why can I not feel contentment with what I have got 🤷‍♀️ I seem to want what others have got and not be happy with my bag 🙄😬

I don't feel I can talk to my family about it as at the end of the day, it was my choice to only have one child, and there's nothing I can really do about it to change it (this is my DHs take on things - you can't change it so it's not worth dwelling on!).

I think this time of year brings it home as our Christmas is so small with just the three of us - I feel like we are missing out on these big Christmas days where there are 10 round the table for Christmas dinner.

Does anyone else feel like this? Has anything helped? Does anyone have a time machine so I can go back and have at least two more babies 😱

I do this.
I think it's because we want everything to be perfect and work out. If we reach a problem based on a previous decision it seems almost as if we could go back and change it. We feel responsible too and want to do the best possible thing . But reality is that the decision back then was right fir you at that time and you couldn't possibly foresee how things would pan out and his you might feel. Also if you could go back and change it that would have all sorts of ramifications that would change your experience of the last 15 yrs.
maybe you feel sad and regret ( daughter growing up, maybe you getting older) and that's ok , just sit with the feelings, talk about how you feel and work through it.
I sympathise though x

@mindfulmam thank you so much for your response.

You are so right, I am sure it is because I am getting older (and DD is getting older).

I'm just not sure who to talk it through with 😕

I definitely need to live and enjoy life in the moment as I seem to be reminiscing and yearning after the past 🙄 I suppose I just have to embrace change 🙏🏻

Aww, OP I do this. I actually have 3 kids but no parents, siblings etc so I can understand. I feel the lack of family acutely and I wish there were 10 of us at the dinner table too, mind you after reading a lot of these threads at Christmas time perhaps it's a good thing!

My children are very young so I'm not at the stage you are but I've been so sad over Christmas at the thought of them all getting older, the baby not being a baby next year etc. It's horrible and has taken some of the enjoyment away but I haven't been able to help myself. It's silly.

Although our circumstances are different perhaps some of the reasoning is the same? I've thought a lot about this and I think my issue may be fear of the future and fear of change, as well as an awareness and sadness and worry about how quickly time passes and my own mortality. Could this be the case for you too? Even if you had had more children they would still grow up, I keep telling myself that when I feel sad that the baby days are so short, even if I was Sue Radford there would always be a last and he/she would grow up and that is inevitable and as it should be.

At 15 I suppose your daughter will be becoming more independent in the next few years, I think Christmas really highlights all of this as it gives a snapshot of our lives and a direct comparison once a year. We never know if the decisions we make at the time are the right ones, the best we can do is try to make it right at the time and it sounds as though you did that.

I agree about sitting with the feeling and containing to talk about it. Sometimes I think I'm going mad but I do have a close friend who feels the same so I think it's quite normal even if it doesn't feel it. I have a councillor who I will also chat to about it in a few weeks. Hopefully time and contemplation will bring you some peace