I'm too scared to get help

[goodnightdigger]

I'm a SAHM and the only person aware of my issues is my husband.

I had depression and anxiety during my early 20s it was medicated. I came off medication, did well for some time then had a bit of a downward spiral. I got married, fell pregnant and was completely fine for the entirety of pregnancy and the first 6-8 months.
Since then the anxiety has got a lot worse, my DC is 2.5 and I now have a long list of things I can no longer do.
I can't walk the dog, go out alone - even the food shop or pop out for milk. I can't drive too far and definitely not at night. I can barely make eye contact with strangers, I can't hold conversations anymore, I've distanced and cancelled on all friends, I can barely sleep, I'm filled with constant dread, I've developed health anxiety for my DC, I have a serious fear of all men.
I'm starting to believe in things that aren't real, scenarios I've made up. For example, had some antibiotics to take, I forgot to take them before bed, my husband offered to bring them up with a glass of water. He then did this nightly for a week or so, until one morning I found he'd forgotten to lock the back door that night. So my brain decided he had been drugging me to sleep and letting people into the house. It took me a while to logic my way out of this thought, and I told him, he's now very concerned.

I'm too scared to get help though. I had an old friend who told her health visitor that she was struggling with her mental health and she ended up with social services involved (massive other reasons such as an abusive partner) but I'm scared of telling my GP and being branded an unfit mother. I adore my DC we have a lovely life, but I'm also aware I need to do something as my anxiety is going to start impacting them, especially as they get older and 'mummy won't leave the house.'

I tried to self refer for the CBT, but I couldn't answer the phone when they called.

I really want to get help but I'm scared. Has anyone been here? What's the best option? I'm feeling so stuck and rapidly sinking.

Yes, I've been there. I really feel for you, it was an awful time for me. I'm not out the other side yet but it's better, ish.

Go to your GP and get medication. I wish I'd done it years before I did. I also referred myself for CBT. It took me many self referrals before I actually went through with it but it was life changing when I did.

I think it's very unlikely social services would be involved if you don't have any domestic abuse situation. They certainly haven't been mentioned to me at any point.

I got to a point where I couldn't do anything without having a full on panic attack. I couldn't drive to work, to school (and I had to, not walkable), couldn't drive to swimming lessons, couldn't get on a train to go to a hospital appointment.. I'd go to bed at night and panic that I was going to die in my sleep.. Once I drove a couple of towns away and couldn't drive back and I had my four year old with me. I ended up having to leave my car there and get the train home and get some company to drive my car back to me the next day. We got home at about 11pm and she had school the next day.

When I was a teenager and quite unwell, my brain latched on to prophecies. I convinced myself that I 'just knew' I would die before I was 21 etc. This resurfaced with things like that I 'knew' my DD would never reach five. I actually struggled to write that just now. It's awful what our brains can invent.

I'm in a much better place now, although not perfect! There are ways out of this xx

Thanks for the reply @MirriMazDuur I'm sorry you've been here too. I think I'll try to self refer again. I might get DH to come with me to a GP appointment if I can. I'm glad you are doing better.