Anxiety over parent's cancer is crippling me

[SeaShell33]

Please help

My mum was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer and this week had lumpectomy and 3 lymph nodes removed. Results to see if cancer in margins around the lump or lymph nodes due 3-4 weeks.

My mum is my best friend and the thought of life without her makes me not want to live.

I'm trying to stay brave for everyone (DD, DH and my dad). DH and dad very supportive so am lucky there.

I've taken Sertraline before for post natal anxiety which worked so well for me. DH thinks I need to wait until results before taking ADs again.

Feel so terrified and the panic attacks are killing me. I hate myself for not being able to cope like everyone else does.

Also have been looking at counselling options but are so expensive.

Looking for anyone else who's struggling/struggled to come to terms with parents illness.

Thank you

Hi!

I was in the same position as you recently.
I decided to take the ADs for depression / anxiety. I started off on 10mg ... after a month I hadn't got any better so decided to go to 20mg which seem to be holding me.

If you feel you are unable to cope, speak to your gp; you can decide if you need the AD not your partner.
Also, could you self refer to talking therapies?
My area has a waiting list but once I had self referred they did an initial telephone interview then put me on the waiting list which was 11 weeks

This happened to my mam. I am an only child and I was beside myself. I had gone with her to the clinic- my dad had died- and I thought I was going to pass out. She had a mastectomy and lymph nodes removed. It had not spread to her lymph glands despite there actually being two tumours joined together when they operated. The oncologist was very good at explaining everything. The surgeon was wonderful. She had 5 years of tamoxifen and never needed any more treatment.
Just try to not 'catastrophise' and take things as they come. The chances are that, even if it has reached a lymph node, she will be fine- might need some radiotherapy. She will be very carefully monitored for the next 5 years. My mam had a fabulous specialist nurse too who we could ring up and ask about things which was very helpful.
My mam died of old age in her 80s, nothing to do with breast cancer.

Two things I did that helped me were going to the appointments with her - talking to the surgeon was so helpful.
I raised money for the Breast Cancer unit at the hospital where she was treated. Over 18 months, doing lots of things- coffee mornings, a walk, pink brooches, cake sales, making and selling various kinds of pink cushions- I raised over £3000. It made me feel I was doing something positive.

Thank you so much for your comments and support!

I've decided I'm going to see the doctor next week even if it's just to get the ADs back in my cupboard.
I'm also going to investigate self referral for therapy.

Lulu I'm also an only child. Thank you for sharing your mum's experience and sorry to hear of her passing.
Catastrophising is my speciality. I just need to try and come down from the cliff edge and stop the racing thoughts.

I think I might contact her breast nurse with some of my questions.

I would love to do some fundraising eventually but need to be in the right frame of mind.

Xxxx

I had a similar experience with my mum. She was diagnosed with breast cancer 13 years ago. I felt anxious all day, every day and my tinnitus went into overdrive (always triggered by stress). I spent hours googling, which was good and bad, in that I was well informed about the disease, but of course there were many possible bad outcomes which I tortured myself with.

We were told her cancer was aggressive. She had a lumpectomy and lymph node removal, followed by chemotherapy, radiotherapy and a year of Herceptin. She leaned on me very heavily, which I was fine with, but it really took its toll on my mental health. I felt as if I did all the worrying for her. I asked the questions, went to every appointment with her, did the organising and research and helped her on a practical level. I think my mum went through it all in a bit of a daze. The fact that she didn't open up meant that I spent a lot of time feeling anxious and stressed about what she must be going through.

She is in great physical health all these years later and has had no recurrence of cancer. I look back on it all now and can't believe how intense it was. I felt guilty because I found it hard to cope, almost as if I was making it all about me. But I'm not as hard on myself now and accept that, although it was my mum's cancer, it affected me very deeply and that was OK.

I remember too well all the waiting for results. You need to look after your mental health. I think it would be a good idea to see your GP and talk things over. It can be so easy, in a situation like this, to put your own well-being at the bottom of the list, when really you need to look after yourself. It might seem as if other people manage things well but, honestly, anyone looking at me from the outside would have thought I was ok, when in fact I was a mess inside.

It's good that you have support. I really hope your mum will be ok.

Hello Clinkymonkey,

Thank you for sharing! It's really helpful to hear of ladies who have come through breast cancer.
There are lots of things I can relate to with your experience. My mum is plodding on through it all. I've been doing lots of google research which I agree is good and bad. I also wanted to be well informed and ask all the questions. I think my mum's approach is great, just get on with it.

I am a professional worrier though and will over stress everything.

I spoke to DH (in the middle of the night of course) and told him I'm going to the Drs on Monday. I've made the decision to go back onto the Sertraline. Luckily I still have a week off work (teaching) for the medication to take effect and get through the worst of the side effects.

I won't be telling my mum though I'm back on ADs as I wouldn't want her to worry.

I just hope the AD will help me to cope with the waiting anxiety and feeling absolute doom.

You're right that from the outside people look like they're coping when inside it's a different story.

I've always been open about my mental health struggles but also come across as to others as strong and resilient when inside I'm a bag of worms.

I will keep you updated xxx

My mum has recovered well from breast cancer. She was remarkably stoic but it's fair to say I didn't cope well with the diagnosis. If ADs can help you get through this and support your mum, then it makes sense to see your GP sooner rather than later. All the best to you both.

@ToLiveInPeace glad to hear your mum recovered well from breast cancer and had a good attitude towards it.
Did you feel bad for struggling with the diagnosis when she was just getting on? That's how I feel that I'm making it all about me and my feelings xxx

💐 Hope things go well for you and your mum . It must be scary. I love my Mum so much I just can't imagine life without her. I bet I would feel like you do in your position. Sorry I don't have any constructive advice. 💐💐💐💐💐💐
I guess we are lucky to have such lovely Mums.

@SourAndSnippy
Thank you for your well wishes! Always helps to hear from someone xxxx

I can fully understand your despair and anxiety. 💐 for you. I'm a terrible worrier and gold medal catasteophizer!! .....it serves no purpose and won't alter any outcomes.

20 years ago my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer which has only a 5% chance of full recovery. When she told me her diagnosis I was terrified, but strangely resolute she'd be fine. I told myself now wasn't the time for falling apart cos I was needed to be strong for her. I took each day as it came and until I was told otherwise, believed she was going to recover... and she did. 20 yrs on she's still here 🥰. I guess what I'm trying to say is have faith, stay strong and dont catastrophize if you can help it....not all outcomes are awful, even if the odds aren't in your favour. Take care

@Fudgecakes

Thank you for sharing such an amazing positive story! That has really lifted me!

I've not let my mum see how much this has affected me as like you said now is the time to be strong and show her support.

I'm hoping that starting back on the ADs will help me to achieve some peace and clarity xxx

Hi @SeaShell33. I'm so pleased me sharing my story gave you some comfort....hugs to you.

Mum had some pretty gruelling surgery and had to have half of one of her lungs removed ☹ . If I'd have been in bits during her diagnosis and lenghty treatment /recovery I wouldn't have been the best I could have been for her.. and she needed me. I didn't want her to be worrying about how I was coping and adding to her stress. So I put my brave face on. It's hard, but as I said, catastrophizing doesn't help at all. She needs you to stay calm ....don't assume the worst...My mum is living proof that the awful, worst nightmare scenario can be conquered. Sending my best to you and your mum

Thank you so much @Fudgecakes
I'm definitely focusing on being strong for my mum! She needs the positivity around her! Xxx

It’s not easy, stay strong and keep chatting to close ones about how your feeling. Much love.

Sorry to hijack -
Has anyone had counselling? My Mum battled cancer and now has another terminal life limiting condition. I am so close to her and really worried about coping and losing her. I have a dd with special needs who I need to be strong for. I wonder whether counselling now to cope when the time comes will help? Hopefully not for a few years yet x

Hi @Blossom4538

So sorry to hear about your mum. I hope you still have many wonderful years left with her.

Since my original post I went to see the Dr and have been given antidepressants (Sertraline) I took these a while ago for PND. I have also been referred to healthy minds for counselling and am awaiting an assessment on Thursday. I really hope the wait isn't too long. I have also looked at a few private options for counselling but they anything above £30 per session and I think I'd want at least once a week so would be too expensive.
Are there any support groups or one to one therapy you can access in your area? Xxx

Thank you.
I think I’ll look into it. I am on anti-depressants and have been referred to the Steps to Wellbeing NHS site....