Hello everyone. Hope your Xmas period is going as well as can be expected, a special slice of empathy for those struggling internally, externally or both.
Can you have bipolar without the depression? I've have a major manic episode within the last two years that destroyed everything and anyone that mean't anything to me. No exaggeration, my children now live with a family member due to my actions during this episode. It was the first episode that made me completely lose my mind and lose sense of reality. Unable to concentrate or look after myself or others.
I've worked with a counsellor after this and I've come to terms with what happened and realise it wasn't my fault and I wasn't an evil, selfish, risk-taking person; I was very ill. Let down by the GP (I saw three times during this period and was only given beta blockers - I didn't have the language to state 'manic' 'bipolar' or 'episode' - I'd never experienced this so could only describe the symptoms, eg, unable to focus, not sleeping, palpitations)
But I can now see that I've basically been manic all of my life. Always rushing around, heart racing, putting myself under pressure to achieve A B C, over achieving, over confident, inflated sense of worth and importance, believing I can always take on more, push myself further, obsessive with the gym as it is the only way to tire myself. I cannot literally sit still and watching TV sends me into meltdown, as I get very annoyed at the 'waste' of the time and the noise seems to over stimulate me and hurt my head inside.
Weirdly, I give myself a running commentary of my actions and thoughts like I'm reading out a novel. It's my voice, and I'm observing from the outside. 'So, Justanother is now combing her, awaiting to see if the text message comes through' or 'Justanother is now feeling expectant, what will today offer her?' It's a dreamy kind of narrative that is quite poetic and literary at times. How odd, surely this isn't normal? I think it might be linked to depersonalisation/derealisation?
I also feel like I'm just pretending at life. Like I'm trying to act as though I'm a normal person but inside I feel removed and very different from how I imagine others feel. I don't really know right from wrong and just use others as a behaviour guide and indicator. I manage to work and nobody would know really, unless you lived with me.
But I don't seem to get the 'down' side of bipolar. I do feel tearful and hopeless sometimes following on from my episode and how it impacted my family. I do feel it is sometimes better if I wasn't around as I'm so unpredictable and turbulent and I worry about the impact on others. But I certainly don't feel that dark blanket of doom that I did when I was very much younger and had depression (approx 22 years ago)
I've not spoken with my GP about it, I'm worried that he either won't believe me or that he will have me sectioned. This is a prime example of my thoughts, either one extreme or the other without any middle ground.
Can anyone shed any light on whether this might be bipolar and does it need medicating?