What is wrong with me? Anxiety?

[Glowbuggy]

Bit of background. I’ve always been a bit sensitive, I feel things very deeply and when something happens, even something insignificant, I play it over and over and over in my head.
An example I made a comment to a colleague that my Parents find it difficult looking after their elderly parents and they have no help from their siblings. I found out colleagues parents are ill and her siblings are caring for them. I panicked for weeks and weeks I offended her. But I don’t think she even cared about what I said.
Last year we had to move due to problems with neighbour. I had to be medicated and I was having 6-10 panic attacks a day. I lost feelings in my fingers and face. My husband was supportive and we sold quickly and bought a lovely old ‘quiet’ house.
Now our house has a structural issue. It’s fixable but this has sent me into a spin. I think about it constantly, have panic attacks and it’s ruining not only mine, but my family’s life. I’m off to the doctors to go back on my medication (stopped in August).
What I don’t understand is what the hell is wrong with me? I know it’s illogical but my brain just won’t ‘get over it’. Now I’ll be medicated again that numbs all real feelings and I feel like I’m failing.
Sorry for the essay. I’m struggling.

I am on the waiting list for a psychotherapist. I’ve decided after the holidays to just go private. Hopefully that will help too.

There's nothing 'wrong' with you, you've been through a lot and you've just outspun your web of inner peace and security but it sounds like you're going back on the right track. Be kind to yourself.

With meds numbing you... That's not right. You probably need different ones. I've been on and off antidepressants and they've never made me numb. Xxx

Thank you for replying. The numbing I talk about is losing emotions, like if the kids did something great, right now I’d be so proud and maybe teary. On the meds I just didn’t feel those emotions (obviously I made sure the kids don’t know) I’ll speak to the doctor about that today. Maybe I could change what I was on last time.

Yeah the right meds don't numb you that's weird. Never had that. I had fluoxetine.xxx

I struggle with anxiety, not to the same extent as you. But like you I recognise it’s totally irrational and can actually spoil a lot of otherwise enjoyable occasions. I’m a professional and outwardly very confident and self assured. Nobody would ever know, except for my DH who recognises I over think things, as he puts it.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. I hope the dr and psychotherapist are able to help.

My meds didn't numb me, they just made me less likely to hysterically panic or cry. Are you a bit afraid of losing those feelings?

Mine was Lexapro (citalopram)

Stegosaurs1990, that sounds just like me. I’m a professional also, and no one would know. Apart from last year where I was in a pit of anxiety and lost 15 kilos very fast. I blamed it on blood pressure issues - as I was starting to get questions. Stupid excuse so maybe they did know.
I also identify how irrational I am. Doesn’t help though.

Dontknowniw86, yes I’m afraid of losing my feelings. Last time I felt like my ability to love deeply was diminishing. I just felt a bit robotic.

@Glowbuggy

That's what I feel like on meds. On them I'm numb and become quite apathetic, off them I'm anxious but also excitable, interested, emotional, and care too much. I'm considering going on something different but maybe just a really tiny dose of it, because the standard doses seem to be too strong for me (I'm petite)

You explained it much better than me Ambrose2. I’m going to tell the doctor today and see if he can prescribe something different.

I completely understand what you're talking about. I have always been incredibly sensitive, I overthink everything and worry constantly about having offended people. I am also a professional and people assume I'm really confident and "together". Its horrible. No real advice here but just know you're not on your own x

@Glowbuggy

A little while ago when I was on the edge of having a panic attack about getting somewhere on time, it hit me that what the meds used to do was just mean that I didn't care if I cancelled or was late. It just didn't Matter to me. Not in a "I'm so happy and relaxed that I don't mind being late or missing it" more like "I just can't be dealing with the panic about getting there" and that maybe my anxiety/fear could be helpful. That it serves a purpose sometimes. It needs to be bought down from panic, but I need not to lose all my anxiety because it gives me a level of momentum. It makes me give a shit. It's not helpful if I'm bleaching the ceiling at 4am because I'm scared of germs, but it is helpful to have the momentum to antibac the hell out of the house during an outbreak of noro virus.

The people I know who have found the right meds use them to get them to that optimum middle place, but I haven't found that yet. I hope you can find something that does that for you and find some balance in your life

Thank you Anon234. Its exhausting isn’t it.

I used to be like that but now I’ve learned to forgive. For example, if I said the sibling/care thing you mentioned to that person, I too would have been really upset and annoyed by myself in case I had inadvertently caused offence. (Even if I felt what I said was the truth).
I would previously have gone over and over it, woken in the night thinking about it and been unable to sleep etc.
Now I’m more cautious with what I say in the first place and think before I speak unless to close friends.

I go over what happened (quietly alone and when avoiding distractions) and work out if there is any way to salvage it or if it’s appropriate to apologise to someone.
If the answer is yes I can do something then I try and do that.
If the answer is no, I say a little prayer to myself “please forgive me (person’s name) please forgive myself”. I say it three times and it makes me feel better. It may sound silly but try it!

If I subsequently go back to thinking about it I stop myself and say “I made a mistake. There’s nothing I can do. Please forgive me (person’s name) please forgive myself”. It’s like I’m giving myself permission to accept I am not perfect and trying to let go.
I have to be quite strict with my course of action and not get caught up in thinking it over and over again like some kind of martyr.
It does work though it takes a while till it becomes automatic.

I feel things deeply too. It's hard. I have even started feeling anxious on behalf of other people, because of their situation - it's ridiculous!

My house also gives me anxiety, there's always something that is worrying me about it.

Sorry I'm not being very helpful, but you're not alone. I do sometimes feel like everyone else is just coasting along with not a care in the world.

Do you have any help Mooserp? Medication or therapist? I get the feeling anxious for other people too. A close friend of mine just found out she can’t have children. No eggs at all. And it sent my anxiety into overdrive. I was so gutted for her. But I feel like I need proper help now. You know that feeling you get when you suddenly wake up because you’ve fallen? I feel that constantly - like I can have the feeling of falling for an hour.

I have propranolol which I take occasionally (they make me rather lightheaded) and I've also been prescribed sertraline but I haven't started taking them as I'm worried about side effects.

I was referred for counselling but have only been given the online version which I haven't found very useful.

I've seen an accurate representation of what anxiety feels like for me - a picture of someone sitting on a dining chair that's teetering on the back legs, the moment when you think you're going over backwards. Like that, all the time.

Also, with regards to getting anxious about other people, I just imagine bad things happening.

For example I get anxious that something new they have (eg Xmas present) will get lost or broken. Or that they won't enjoy their new job/home/holiday etc.

Do you get this?

I think I need to see someone privately to get help.