Too sane for help, but cant carry on like this

[AllInMyMind19]

I've had (undiagnosed) high performing anxiety and low level depression most of my life, but in the last year it has got so much worse.

I spent the majority of last year feeling numb, down, void of any joy in anything just overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness and like I really truly don't want to be here or see a point to my life. At the same time, I wouldn't do anything about it - partially because of guilt at what that would do to my kids, and partially because of fear of pain from the act itself or if it went wrong. But that doesn't stop the fantasy of just ceasing to exist.

At various points over 2019, I've had strong invasive fantasies about driving my car into another car or a wall....usually always something involving a car accident, although I don't know why. I can imagine it and feel the pain vividly and it's not a bad thing, it's like a welcome release. My emotions have been all over the place, but largely internalised- I feel total dread about getting up every morning, for example, but I do it. I function fully - too much if anything. My OCD tendencies are in overdrive, I can't stand a single mark on a wall or any damage at all to anything, it makes me feel like the world is ending. I frequently feel nauseous and overwhelmed, particularly about work and the fact that my life seems to entirely lack meaning apart from the children who will one day grow up and not need me anyway.

I have tried to be proactive- exercise groups, hobbies etc. I had some online therapy through Mind last year but got the distinct sense the therapist didn't like me. She basically said I couldn't be helped because I wasn't finding the CBT techniques helpful and my self awareness is already very strong - I just cant change my thinking or be content. Ever.

I just don't know how to carry on like this. Its christmas eve and I'm feeling flat and joyless and dreading another year of feeling like this. My poor DH has literally no empathy or comprehension of what it's like and I can never understand why he puts up with it - I'm certain one day he wont. I am literally a joy drain. I can't see any positive outcome and no GP will take me seriously because I'm functioning, I appear normal, I'm not crying. I just feel lost inside.

You need to tell your GP exactly what you’ve said here. Show him/her this post if it’s hard to talk about. I’m a GP, OP, and there is no way I would ignore somebody presenting like this.
And you need to find a better therapist. There is help out there if you can access it. Please speak to somebody ASAP.

What AppropriateAdult said. And I’m sorry your therapist said that to you: untrue and unhelpful. And CBT isn’t the only therapy out there.

Read up on high functioning autism in women, op, and see if it rings any bells.

@cailleach my DS was tested for high functioning autism and I do have a number of traits, but not enough to count...and I'm not sure a diagnosis of that would he helpful anyway in addressing the fact I don't want to exist. I have no issues at all empathising with people - if anything, I feel what other people feel far too acutely and it contributes to my anxiety.

@ApproptiateAdult thank you. Its helpful to hear a GP say this. I'm scared to make an appointment as I'm so convinced they wont take me seriously and I don't even know how to communicate what I feel - or don't feel. But perhaps I could just show this thread. I feel stupid doing that though.

The thing about autistic people being unable to empathise is a total myth. I can and have a diagnosis of ASD.

What everyone else said. I’m a psychotherapist and you sound exactly like someone who needs/would benefit from therapy and not from an Unempathetic CBT peddler. The feeling that you ‘can’t be helped’ is the issue, not an obstacle to accessing the issue, iyswim.

I don't have anything helpful to say but I wanted to say that you're not alone.

Out of interest, why the asd suggestions? X

I relate to some of what you describe and I just wanted to say there is hope. Finding the right therapist, or even a coach, is key. You may also find self help audio books soothing.

It doesn't matter how you tell your GP. I just garbled everything out.

I wish I could garble everything out. Whenever I try to talk it's like I just choke and nothing comes out, and a million thoughts all just race at once so I cant get one at a time out sensibly. And I dread that blank look or the GP just not getting what I'm trying to convey. It makes my chest tight just thinking about trying.

AllIn I understand, I'm the same, i can't express myself or bottle at the last minute. The only thing I've found that helps is to write it all down beforehand. I feel stupid handing it over, but at least I say what I want to say. I hope you manage to tell the doctor what you need.

I could have written your post, apart from the invasive fantasies. The marks on the walls really struck a chord with me. I don’t have any advice as I’m not sure what’s wrong with me and I’m going to get help. I just wanted to say you’re not alone and I feel how you’re feeling x

I really understand and am going through something very similar. The difference is I've seen my GP who prescribed antidepressants which dh and my mum didn't want me to take so I didn't. This is are getting worse though and not sure where to go from here. If you haven't spoken to your GP please do - yours might be better.

Ces6 people that don't have any experience with antidepressants can sometimes be fearful of them. I'm not taking them anymore but it was genuinely the best thing I ever did. I honestly felt I was losing my mind and my therapist had advised that she thought I needed them for the cbt to have any chance of helping as I was in such a state.

I honestly felt 1000 times better in a matter of weeks. They prescribe them as they really do work.