Ok this is going to be a long thread, apologies in advance.
Growing up my mother was severely abusive, emotionally and physically. My oldest 2 brothers started sexualy abusing me when I was around 6/7yo. The eldest carried this on for around 2 years. It didn't stop until they both moved out to our fathers, who had left when I was two days old, his reasoning was that I was female. Whilst the other brother stopped after a few occasions. The eldest (on the rare occasion he would visit) would still show his interest in abusing me and tried to get me on my own a few times but I knew better than to be alone with him. Life carried on when they left, me being around 9/10 at the time my mother was still extremely abusive (almost like she enjoyed it) she would tell me that if I told anyone about the abuse i would be taken to a children's home which would be worse for me, I kept quiet. At around 11 I was introduced to one of my mom's (then) boyfriends friend. (she was a prostitute and would lock me in my room from around 8/9pm with a bucket in my room incase of calls of nature, then I'd hear her all night in the next room making her money, said boyfriend would let these men in and send them up to her). Nothing seemed odd about him until my mom and said boyfriend split up and his friend started showing up at our home. He started showering me with gifts and compliments, showing me the love I desperately craved. That's when a 28yo man started sexualy abusing me, an 11yo girl. My mother was fully aware of what was happening, shit she was sleeping with him herself! I'd find them in the bathroom together whist she was in the bath, he'd stay at home with her while I went to school. It was no secret that they had been sleeping together. Again being young and dumb I thought this was normal or something I just had to deal with. she'd walk in on me and him during sex (a lot) she would just look for a minute and leave. I'd be a deer in headlights and she'd smirk. She used to try and get me into bed with her naked (she had quite a few relationships with women and was very open like that) I never trusted her and would refuse. She'd get drunk and punch the lights out of me, literally. When I got to 13 and he had lost interest in both of us and vanished, this was when I met my children's father. He had just come out of prison and was known to our family, when we first met he was extremely verbally abusive to me, which in time subsided and somehow became lust/love. At 14 I moved out of our family home to live with him (I'd already been out of school permanently for around 2/3years at this point) I'd have done anything to get out of that shithole! He provided a plan! He was 20 I was 14. My mother welcomed this idea saying she'd have more room for my younger siblings. This was when the real abuse actually began I was beaten to a pulp almost daily with no escape he absolutely obliterated me inside and out. I fell pregnant and gave birth to his child age 17 and another at 19 and another at 21! By 23 I had left him for the sake of my children, they gave me the power I needed! My mother and all siblings were in my life daily by this point financially abusing me the best they could. I'd just push everything from the past to the back of my head and get on with life as best I could. By 25 I found out my brother (not the oldest two that had abused me but a younger one) had been sexualy abusing my daughter (she had meningitis at 7 months) she was severely behind all milestones. She had not been able to talk for years until she received speech therapy. My world and hers crumbled beneath us. I informed the police, who came to collect us, she was interviewed at the police station and taken to the hospital for internal checks. They found no DNA as he had been at ours on the Sunday and I was informed on the Wednesday she had had multiple showers/baths since then. They concluded there was not enough evidence as she couldn't disclose specific times days that this has happened! She was 5 at the time! My mother and oldest brothers accused me of lying about all of this, even when I told them I had heard things from a 5yos mouth, things no 5yo could possibly know! I was threatened and verbally abused over the phone. I haven't seen or spoken to them since and I definitely do not want to! My question is...
Why do I feel so fucking alone! My youngest sister came to live with me and I have brought her up as my own since she was 14 after suffering some emotional abuse form our mother, luckily for her her father was amazing and never left her side even though he and our mother hadn't been together since she was 2. She is now 21 and fully supportive. She is amazing and of course so are all my children. I have always strived to be a good mom/person. But I have no friends, I have been single for years and am too scared to make any sort of connection with anyone!
At Christmas is when I suffer the most, I'm not sure if I miss MY mother or the mother I always needed. I feel so so alone. Like I'm grieving constantly. I feel guilty for feeling like I miss her even though I honestly do not want to see her again in my life. I honestly believe that if she died I'd never find out. This seems to kill me and I can't stand it! Why am I still giving her the time of day I'll never know! Christmas is such a hard time of year for me, I seem to remember everything and play it through my head.
We have an amazing home we are not short of anything and I tell and show them I love them probably too much, I just need to know that they know that I do I suppose.
How do people deal with these triggers? Whether it be Christmas a dream a place or smell? Any help and advice would be appreciated.
Again sorry the the ridiculously long post.