My mum hates her life, feel helpless

[Tash1108]

Hello,

Feeling extremely overwhelmed and stressed with my situation and thought this could help in some way, thanks in advance for reading.

I am 26 years old and live at home with my mum who is 58 years old.
She has become more and more reliant on me to the point now where I’m suffocating.
She was adopted, has never had a long term relationship that has worked out, recently lost her job of 20 years which was all she had and both my grandparents (her parents) have passed away.

She has depression and anxiety all she does is sit in the house when she isn’t at work (she hates her job), she doesn’t go out anywhere, she doesn’t really have any friends and she’s constantly down. I support her financially and I also look after all the household bills and letters she has etc as she doesn’t understand majority of it. She’s never used a computer or the internet, she does drive but is a very nervous driver so won’t drive far. The friends she does have she makes no effort with so they have decreased over the years.
She attempted suicide when I was 12 and I am terrified of that happening again, I try all I can to make her happy but it just doesn’t work, and my life is on hold as I feel guilty for going out and leaving her and going on holidays etc.
She’s been to the doctors and they just give her medication. We have no other family to help me, I’m an only child and she has a sister but we don’t really see her as they’ve never got on very well.
I’m at breaking point with the pressure and if I speak to her about it she just says ‘I’m just a burden’ ‘you’d be better off without me’ ‘just move out and leave me’
I just don’t know what to do or who to turn to at this point? Does anybody have any advice?

Sorry for the long post, thanks again. Tash

Sorry but she is holding you prisoner with emotional guilt. Fair enough pay rent, but I assume you won't be living there forever so it makes sense that you set up the bills in her name. Set up regular payments from a separate bills account. You could teach her the internet or take her to a computer class, that is a nice thing to do.

Other than that get on with your own life and move out as soon as you can. Don't tell her that though, just be kind and extract yourself gracefully.

I'm so sorry for your mums suffering.
But when will you live your life? When do you socialise? What happens if you decide to move out?
Has your mum been to a GP? Will she join local social groups?

I am almost the same age as your Mum and it may sound harsh, but she is being a burden on you. As above , you do need to leave home else you will he her emotional crutch for the rest of her life. Could she join the women's institute or some hobby type groups to make some friends and gain some interests ?

I think you have to plan to move out, and start to live your life. You can help her set up her bills by direct debit, someone to help clean if she struggles etc.

Hi Tash,

I was where you are in my early twenties (many years ago now!); emotional prisoner to my mother. In echo of the advice given above, I want to reassure you that you can have a life, and that she will cope without you.

Your mother is clearly more capable than you, and likely her think - if she can hold down a job and pass a driving test, then she can manage her own affairs. Yes she might need some support - be that from yourself or even a budgeting class etc, but the longer the status quo remains, the longer she will remain reliant and you will always feel like her keeper.

It will be extremely hard at first; and you will probably spend many a sleepless night worrying if you’ve done the right thing. But you have to do this for your own good, and well as that of your mother. Your mothers happiness is not, and should not be reliant on you.

I am older than your mum - so are most of my friends - and we've a good 25 years to go before we want be even the slightest burden to anyone else!
Don't allow her to suck the joy out of your life.
Stop enabling her by sucking up all her life admin; if you didn't do it, she'd have to.You can't make her happy, whatever you do - but she can choose to be happy, more or less contented or downright miserable.

Thank you everyone, I think I just needed to hear it from outsiders that stepping back was all I could really do.
Me and my bf are already planning to move out in the next 2 years, mum knows that and understands that we need to do it for
us, but she’s scared of being alone.
She had a group of friends she walked the dog with regularly but they seem to have left her out recently, I’m not sure why.

Great advice from all of you though, she can do it, just needs the chance to without me doing everything.