What to say to someone when they don’t want to be asked if they’re ok.

[GrapefruitGin]

A close relative of mine has admitted he’s suffering from depression and has spoken to his gp after a long time of suffering in silence, This is a huge relief for the entire family, that he has reached out for help. He’s explained that he finds it really hard when family text to ask ‘are you ok?’ ‘Hope things are alright’. I want to reach out to him to let him know I care and I’m thinking of him but I’m very aware of how I approach him as he can become very aggressive and defensive. He’s still very vulnerable and after experiencing a bereavement, he’s very much in the midst of it all. It may be a silly question but what’s the right thing to say? How do I approach and find out how he’s doing without upsetting or pushing him away? I’m sorry if any of this comes across as insensitive. I’ve never experienced this myself so am unaware of the right thing to say/do. Thanks in advance for any advise.

Please excuse any spelling/grammar mistakes! Bloomin’ phone.

When you're texting often the actual message is that you're thinking of them, not an invitation to an hour long discussion on feelings - neither of you have time and it's a message.

So, I send messages that require no response such as:
"Thinking of you right know and sending you lots of love"
"Sending hugs."
The options are endless.
And sometimes add some emojis too.

I also make a point of sometimes saying I'm sending messages I expect no reply to but I'm always here for you,

Isn't it best to ask him? It seems a bit odd to me to not want your loved ones to speak to you about your issues.. main complaint is usually they're not bothered!

I find “ what’s going on for you at the moment” useful, because can take it on any level.

Sorry I misread and you're actually wanting to ask how he's doing without asking - rather than send support.
Or are you? I mean do you actually need to ask how he's doing? Is it not a bit obvious, especially at the moment?

If you make yourself there for him then you'll know how he's doing because he'll talk to you, so you don't need to ask.

Can also do things like call and say you were thinking about him and felt like hearing his voice and ask him how his day is going.

Basically just keep in touch a bit more than usual.

How about "what are you up to today? I'm doing xyz" to try and open up a dialogue. Or if they live near enough you could call round with some food n say just thought you might want some xyz. They probably don't want to be asked how they are because it's opening a dialogue of them having to explain feelings they don't want to on repeat to many people so how about a conversation that doesn't start with their feelings, a change of topic. You taking time to message is conveying you're thinking about him already without having to say it.

I would make it practical:

‘Is there anything I can get you?’
‘Would you like some company?’
‘I’m just making some mince pies, would you like to come over?’

Or even (depending on how unwell he is):

‘I was wondering if you could help me with xyz this morning?’

That way he doesn’t have to tell you how he feels but he knows you care and want to spend time with him. When you’re depressed, knowing you are valued and wanted is a huge help.