Hello,
I didn’t want to self pity on anyone else’s thread so starting my own.
Last week I was diagnosed with post natal depression, when talking to the doctor she talked about my ‘bucket’ being full. She suggested I write down all the things that I struggled with so I thought I’d do it here. If any ladies want to empty their buckets too then please do.
My baby is 8 weeks old and it has been the worst 8 weeks of my life 
Looking back now the whole pregnancy felt different I struggled with pelvic pain and struggled to sleep for the last 10 weeks. I felt guilty about not being able to do everything with my energetic toddler. This birth was a planned c section after a nasty 4th degree tear with my first child. For weeks I was terrified, the fear of having surgery clashed with the fear of natural labour and tearing again(which I was told would not be good). This baby was measuring bigger than my first. Three days before my csection they rang to cancel, I was not priority( which of course was fair) but in my mind how could my risk of tearing not be important. My first labour had been relatively quick and early so i feared all the old wives tails that this child would be earlier, faster and bigger. I feared that labour would happen and they wouldn’t be able to get me into surgery in time.
None of this happened, I went for my planned csection a week later, my baby arrived without too much stress, a girl, all I had wanted as I already have a boy, then things turned, they quickly made me hand my daughter to my husband, whilst stitching me up they thought they had found an internal bleed, the next hour was spent prodding and poking my body trying to figure out what part was bleeding, I felt sick to the stomach and as the pain relief began to ware off the threat of being put to sleep loomed over me. Finally a consultant suggested there was no bleed, I was to be stitched up and left with a drain over night, if a bleed came I would be taken back to surgery.
Luckily the bleed never came, within 24 hours I was released and sent home. What a mistake that was. At home with nothing more than ibuprofen and paracetamol the pain was intense, the pain from my scar mixed with the internal bruising they had left me with left me crippled in agony barely able to move. The guilt over my toddler crept in again and what would now spiral over the last 8 weeks began, my children needed me but I couldn’t be a mum.
After struggling and failing to breastfeed my first child due, he had tongue tie and the whole thing left me overwhelmed I was determined to do better this time. To put the needs of this child over my own. After 5 days of constant pain everytime she fed, black and bleeding nipples I caved and gave her her first formula, I attempted to express, blood spurted out as I pumped my boobs and i crumbled all over again after a few days of fog I tried again to latch her on and to express. Of course my milk had all but gone but I pumped at every opportunity desperate to claw back my milk. It still hasn’t come, probably partly down to my inability to eat, drink or sleep. It currently takes all my strength to get up in the morning and to parent. I am stuck on the constant merry go round of wanting to be a good parent but the very thought of my children needing me making me want to run away or at the darkest times end it all. My toddler watches me crumble daily and as even suggested I’m sad because I don’t love him anymore.
Add all this to my already full bucket from the sudden death of my mum four years ago two weeks before my wedding day, and struggling to be a mum without her and my bucket is overloaded and I’m sinking.
Now I lay here whilst my house sleeps wandering what the day will bring. If I can bring myself to get up and parent today.
3 days into taking medication and I’m praying the fog will soon lift but for now I will settle for ‘emptying my bucket’