Almost 2 years ago I was sexually assaulted by someone I briefly knew. It took a long time for me to accept what had happened to me and it’s taking even longer to recover. I haven’t reported it and no I still don’t feel ready to. I feel the need to tell someone but I don’t know how. I need it out of my head.
2 years ago today I was chatting online with a friend of a friend who I had met whilst staying with her in Greece. I liked our conversations and was happy to see him when I visited my friend again over Christmas. I was arranging to see him and spend time together. When I got there I found I was staying with him and I didn’t feel comfortable with that idea. When my friend left that night he had a shower and appeared in the room undressed. He tried taking my clothes off and at the same time I was trying to put them back on. I remember him lifting me up and me kicking my legs about. I remember screaming for my parents knowing they couldn’t come and save me. I remember the pain of it. After I called my friend and she refused to come get me, she said I was such a silly little girl.
So I had to stay there for 4 days with this man. I acted normal with him as I was reliant on him for food and getting back to the airport. I needed my abuser to help me.
The next night with my friend in the room he kept making me touch him under a blanket. I kept pulling my hand back but he was stronger than me. I remember feeling so dirty and disgusted with myself afterwards. I washed so many times and researched std and pregnancy symptoms for months after.
There is probably more that I cannot remember. I just know that it has changed my life. At first I was just happy to be home and away from him and life went on not fully understanding what had happened. About 7 months after I was struck down with debilitating anxiety which has stuck ever since.
I was confident and successful in life. Now I am terrified in most situations and live with daily anxiety. I sometimes think I am getting better but then it hits me all over. I have had no help. I feel that others won’t believe me because of my actions before and after. I don’t want to be accused of lying and I don’t want pity. I only want my life back. I feel disgusted with myself. Betrayed by my friend and I lack trust in everyone. I’m so quick to lash out in defence these days and it doesn’t feel like me. I’m so negative about everything and so fearful of losing my friends and family by doing the slightest thing wrong.
Can anyone recommend anything I can do to help. Please don’t guilt me for not reporting it. I can’t face this man again and I can’t tell my parents.