In May last year when I was 50 I had a serious mental breakdown. This came on very quickly, following a period of weight loss (by healthier eating and exercise). I lost quite a lot of weight and I became worried that this had aged my face (it hadn't really as photographs taken at the time show) and this led to a resurgence of my BDD, which I have battled with most of my life.
I had been ill for about two weeks when husband made an emergency appointment with the GP. Unfortunately, instead of getting the theraputic treatment which I so desperately needed I was prescribed an SSRI and told to come back in two weeks.
I duly took the pills and that is when my trouble really started.
My anxiety, already high, shot up to unbearable levels. I did not sleep at all those first two weeks. The SSRIs so badly affected my appearance I stopped being able to look in the mirror. I became suicidal. My friends, who were on suicide watch (my husband asked them to keep an eye on me when he was at work) became so concerned that they contacted the crisis team. I saw another GP who gave me diazepam, which had no effect whatsover. When I went back to the original GP after 2 weeks I was immediately taken off the SSRIs and prescribed mirtazapine.
The mirtazapine reduced the anxiety the citalopram had caused and let me sleep. Unfortunately I began to pile weight onto my tummy although I was not overeating. I cut back further on calories but still the weight continued to pile on. This was making the BDD worse and I became depressed and anxious again. I decided to stop taking the mirtazapine.
The crisis team became involved again and the CPN who saw me decided to put me back on citalopram, this time with zopiclone and more diazpam.
I was told the citalopram would take time to work and if only I could get through the horrendous side effects eventually I would start to recover.
Well I believed them. I have had some horrible things happen to me in my life including a rape at knife point by an abusive boyfriend towards the end of what had been an extremely dysfunctional relationship (this is putting it mildly). Yet the worse thing that has happened to me, the one thing I would change above all others is taking citalopram. There is nothing that has done me more harm and I do not know if I will ever recover from taking it. If I could only go back in time and refuse to take it!
This time the side effects were horrendous. I could get to sleep alright but I stared to wake hourly throughout the night (from 2am) with appalling feelings of anxiety leading to a bout of explosive diarrhoea. I would drift back to an uneasy sleep afterwards only to wake an hour later. The anxiety and diarrhoea were worse with each awakening, until I finally got up at 5am. Then I would remain with appalling feelings of anxiety all day until they started to dissipate a bit at 3pm. I felt nauseous, had to force food down whilst I was gagging. I burped all the time. I would cry for hours during the day. I knew I was in serious trouble. I kept telling my husband that I was never going to get better.
Yet still I persisted with the tablets. I was getting progressively and steadily worse. After several weeks I did start ringing crisis team and asking them to change my medication because I was thinking of throwing myself in front of a train. They refused. I rang the Samaritans.
During this time my skin really did begin to age badly. It started to wrinkle. There is a photograph taken towards the end of my citalopram treatment. It is horrific. Friends were shocked when they saw my appearance (they told me this) and the school were so concerned they contacted childhood services (and they were shocked by my appearance as I looked so ill). My BDD went into overdrive. The drugs were making the thing I was frightened of come true (rapid ageing) and at the same time heightening my anxiety response to it. I became more and more phobic about my appearance, about bright lights, mirrors and reflective surfaces.
During this time my husband worked from home when he could and when he had to go into work he got friends to keep a "suicide watch" on me.
After 8 weeks I woke up so agitated one morning that I could not keep still. I was running around the house, running in circles, jogging on the spot, hitting the walls (and myself) with the back of my hands to try and ease the agitation. I was making strange sounds. My children had to witness all this whilst they were getting ready for school and it was very disturbing for them. My husband made an emergency appointment again and I saw another GP. He wanted to take me off citalopram and try something else, but he was a locum GP so he checked with the CPN (I had been seeing her during this time). Without seeing me, she told the locum GP that I must continue with the citalopram!
Thank God I came to my senses and said NO!
At some time during the 8 weeks I was on citalopram quetiapine had been added to the mix of drugs. I knew I could cope better on this drug alone.
Well, I was right. Whilst I stopped citalopram cold-turkey (a mistake), I immediately started to improve. When I saw the locum GP again after two weeks I was much more rational and he was happy for me to continue on the quetiapine.
I eventually weaned myself off that and started mirtazapine again (to get some sleep!) until gradually weaning myself off that. The mirtazapine made me put on several stone in weight - a lot on the tummy and almost all the weight I had originally lost, which has natually not helped the BDD!
I am not better though. The underlying BDD is much more entrenched and life-altering, thanks to the damage citalopram did to my appearance. I have spent a small fortune on fillers, botox, expensive supplements and prescription strength retinoids and these have helped, a little, to make me feel better about myself. But I still avoid mirrors and can not shop for clothes or get my hair done.
Without taking mirtazapine I still can not sleep properly and wake early with very uncomfortable feelings of agitation, including tingling of my hands and feet (a classic SSRI discontinuation syndrome symptom). My digestion is still upset, so much so that I had to have a couple of scans for bowel cancer (they didn't find anything).
I am slowly recovering from taking citalopram. I had since learned by looking at reviews of the drug and joining SSRI recovery forums that the reactions I had are not uncommon.
I kick myself every day for my studipity at continuing to take it. I don't know if I will every fully recover.
I am taking HRT now as it is thought my original symptoms were brought on by the onset of the menopause. I also take some herbal and dietary supplements that help.
I don't know why I am posting this. The mornings are still very bad for me and I just want people to be aware of the dangers of SSRIs. They can cause very bad reactions in some people, although others swear by them. I finally saw a pyschiatrist after many months and he gave me a choice of several medications. The only one I would consider taking was pregabalin and propanolol. I had not taken the pregabalin yet and I am scared that if I had a bad reaction it will undo any progress I have made. I have tried propanolol but I don't think they have much effect.
Has anyone else been adversely affected by SSRIs and managed to fully recover?