feel so stupid - 21 mths on and no better

[mistressmiggins]

just feel so low
ADs been increased to 100mg per day when 2 months ago I was hoping to come off them completely
H dragging his heels over divorce (finance) and Im struggling moneywise - he is giving me the CSA recommended amount but I am struggling with the mortgage & bills....
I even txt him today cos he was moaning about seeing the kids & said come home to which he just replied saying he was getting on with the divorce.
How stupid am I to ask him to come home 21 mths after he left & has been living with mistress ever since
Think that comments DS(5) has made about OW shouting at my DD(3) over mealtimes has upset me. Of course DS could be exaggerating or lying but still a worry.
Feel like playing the part during the day - jolly & happy at work or with friends, and then like a hermit at night locking myself away not wanting to speak to people

Oh mistressmiggins it must be so hard for you.
You are not stupid,i haven't been in your situation but i imagine that it is perfectly natural to still feel something for the father of your dc despite his treatment of you.
I can sympathise with the depression though,it is like being on a rollercoaster .
Hopefully the increase in your ad's will numb some of your pain once in your system.
Feel free to offload on here,i know it can help to write things down sometimes.

((((mistressmiggins)))
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

mm, stay strong. You are having a down spell, expect it and try to ride it. Try to get a survival plan for these times - whatever it is that works best for you. If thats being a hermit at night then that is perfectly fine! Shutting myself away is my survival. At first it felt wrong, now I just drop a gear and get into it. I do school pick up with the DTs, get home, feed them, bath them, bed them, then make comfort food and eat it in bed. Sleep helps a bit, I find when I get low I can sleep forever and I crave quiet.

How often do your kids visit OW (other wife????)

OW - other woman - I suppose I should call her H's DP as thats what she is.
They visit once a month to stay.
The other fortnight my H comes up for day visit by himself - she never comes - not on my sayso - just doesnt bother.

I think that the reason I asked him to come back is cos Im scared about managing the house etc money etc & if he was back, I wouldnt have that worry.

thanks for replying....feel pretty low & cant snap out of it. Feel like my face will crack from forced smiling - god I sound really pathetic

you don't sound a bit pathetic. You sound exactly like you should sound IYKWIM.

Do your kids like staying apart from the shouting at mealtimes, does she have her own kids?

Its understandable that you would prefer him back to share responsibilty. My DP works away most of the time and I hate the weight of responsibilty for everything. There's not even someone to bring home a takeaway, a pint of milk or a forgotten birthday gift etc. On the flip side, I kind of like having my kingdom Its my ship and I'm running it the way I want.

Keep talking, anytime, I'll keep listening.

I think they like staying. I have trouble with DD when she returns - clingy and trouble at bedtime etc but other than that they seem happy.
No she doesnt have any kids of her own.
That is probably my next hurdle when they decide to have one of their own.
My H was cruel - the summer b4 he left he told some of our friends that "never say never to another child". At the time I thought, great we can have a 3rd. I now know that he probably meant with her

He didnt share responsibilities when he was here - he used to lie in late on Sat & Sun cos "he worked" and I worked 3 days a week so I never got a lie in. He reluctantly bathed them on a Sat while reading the paper
so dont miss that side cos no difference.

like I said, he wasnt exactly good H but hate the fact he can just walk away & not worry about whether I can manage financially. I dont ask him for extras cos he just says "take it out the money I give you"....but his money doesnt even cover the mortgage....

his attitude is that children are just as well off in nursery full time than having those 2 days with me - I cant give them any extra by just being with them is his attitude

Arse. no wonder you feel down, you are listening and believing!!!!

You are undeserving of that attitude. You keep you and yours tight knit and happy. I expect your DD has different behaviour when she comes back because she's learning two different sets of house rules. I would find it terribly hard in that situation if my kids were away visiting.

Nursery schmursery. They have their place and I rely deeply on the one I use but they certainy do not offer anything like the care and love of a mother. You are the best thing your children have. Your AoH (thats Arsehole of a Husband) has strange opinions.

You don't really wish him back. You wish someone there. That gap could be filled, and allow yourself the luxury of dreaming about it. This is temporary, your children are your biggest proof that you have meaning and purpose. You do. Don't let him make you feel different.

I mean he is the arse! Not you!!!

you are very kind & what u say I know to be true....
over last few weeks H has been bullying me over access etc - I live in one of the towns hit by the recent flood & told him he wouldnt get to us but he tried & ended up writing off his car. Rather than believe me when I said the floods were terrible, he thought I was trying to stop him seeing the children, which I have never done. Just protecting them from unecessary travelling - they could have ended up sleeping in his car stuck on the M5.

will try to relax this next week - I have done something positive tonight - rang one of DS's friend's mum & arranged a play day next week so that will excite him. I worry that my hermit/not wanting to socialise attitude will affect them & I dont want that.

my nursery is fab & have been brilliant over our split looking after my children. It allows me to continue working part time to provide for them. I have v supportive parents too which is a great help. Just dont like to burden/worry them that Im not coping

But MM you have to let people share the burden with you. Don't feel you are worrying people, you absolutely need to say "here I am, I need help, whatever you can give I will appreciate". At worst people will say "I'm sorry, I can't help right now" but I guarantee they won't. Don't feel you have to shoulder everything alone.

Moneywise, you must be having a farking nightmare. In terms of your dealings with him, remember it's business now, and you need to be ruthless for you and the dcs. Can we help with a budget or reviewing your outgoings? It really can help to have someone else look things over.

Stay calm. You are doing an amazing job. We all know it, and your ex is an arse of the highest order. We know that too.

at risk of H reading this (we all know in the past he reads my posts when away on business) Im now overdrawn on one account because he has cut the money he gives me to bear CSA minimum.
While I realise its more than some people get, we have a big house that Im trying to hang onto as if I sell, I would still have same mortgage as he would get his cut - thats all hes interested in.

he doesnt pay nursery fees - I do although am trying to get him to pay half in the divorce settlement. Luckily my mum has had DS over the holiday 2 out of 3 days saving me £50 a week.

As for telling people, I only have a few close friends (thats how I am - good, trustworthy rather than people to make small talk with) and I dont want them to dread seeing/phoning me for risk I'll go on about my daily battles. I dont want my parents worrying anymore than they are either.

thats why I come on MN for anonymous no judging support.