- approx 16 years of depression and anxiety, at least one bout of depression a year
- have been on and off sertraline over the years, I really dont like taking it because 1. Side effects 2. It dulls all emotions.
- DS is almost 2. By 6 months I eventually caved and went to doctors. Terrible depression and anxiety, worse than what I "usually" experience. Was self harming for first time in approx 4 years. Was put on Sertraline. Didn't consider this to be PND, just another round of depression. Went super "high" (manic?) For about a month then settled.
- weaned myself off after 7 months due to feeling like a zombie/ no personality/ no sex drive
- feeling unsure about everything. I'm generally quite low, very easily stressed. Have had a few bouts of self harming when DS has been sick or unsettled. Feel like a rubbish mum most of the time. Working full time, feel like I've "lost myself" and just trying to do my best. Marriage is suffering because of it, barely any intimacy since DS was born.
Every month or so I think I should probably go back to the dr. Then days later I feel alright so dont. And what's the point? More pills? More websites to check out?
Do you think this could be PND or just me struggling to cope with a very, very long time of regular depressive episodes with being a first time mum? I'm a very anxious person, and he is my entire world and I would die for him. But sometimes I feel like the worst mum and that he deserves a better one, who's brain works properly! And I worry the older he gets the more he will become aware of it. Guilt. All the guilt. Terrible grammar because tired.