Unsure if I still love my husband and it's breaking me

[potterface29]

Hello,

Never posted on here before but I cannot figure out what's going on anymore and need somewhere to vent. I suffer with anxiety, depression, panic attacks. I had them well managed but since end of August my panic attacks started up again.

I have a fear of being sick, and my panic attacks make me so sick with anxiety I quite often gag and retch. I hate this as it is one of my fears, therefore scared to have another panic attack in case I'm sick.

This means I struggle to eat having no appetite. But anyway, moving on

I had a full blown panic attack one morning in October about whether I love my husband or not, and since then I cannot stop thinking about it. We have a two and a half year old daughter, and she is amazing.

I am constantly anxious all the time, and it's gotten to the point where I don't want to be alive anymore.

The thought of not loving my husband anymore makes me anxious, he's a great guy, but doesn't always handle my anxiety that well. I've never been super attracted to his looks, but his personality is amazing. He's starting to loose his hair which worries me as I don't want that lack of attraction to get worse. I am a horrible person for even thinking this about him :(

I don't know why I keep having these horrible thoughts about him, he is so supportive kind, funny caring, loving and would do anything for the people he loves.

But all through my head is, you should leave him, he deserves to find someone who loves him completely, you don't love him enough, If you loved him enough you would be better for him. If you loved him physical attraction shouldn't matter. My daughter deserves better too.

I just don't know what to do anymore, can't carry on like this much longer. I don't want to live anymore in this constant state of anxiety, I am a piece of poo, can't control my emotions, husband deserves much better than me.

Didn't want to read and not say anything. Hello!

For starters you have a two and a half year old daughter who is amazing. So she doesn't deserve better she needs you as you have helped make her amazing.

I'm sure more experienced posters will afk if you have sought professional or medical help in the past to help fill n the picture?

Sorry I am always making typos!

How long have you been with your DH? What relationships did you have before?

My friend who is a marriage guidance counsellor always makes me laugh- she doesn't say it when working but she says her own marriage has highs and lows like mountains and valleys ... and her own valleys with her DH last for years!

Get down to your GP now!

You could possibly be at the start of a nervous breakdown (I'm no expert but you do sound very, very distressed OP) and in desperate need of specialist help and advice to get better.
Take control. Get an appointment right now and write down everything you've said today.

I agree with @pallasathena - book a GP appointment to discuss your anxiety and panic.

Then you can work on whether these feelings about your husband are REAL or whether they're OCD-style intrusive thoughts.

I have gone to the gp since September about this issue. I'm on medication, waiting for therapy but had three rounds of CBT therapy and don't find it helpful. The panic attacks started back again in August, but first started when I had my daughter 2 years ago.

I've been with my husband for 6 years, 1 of those married. I had a relationship before but very short (3 months) and he was a tool to be honest. I just hate feeling this way about him, and I'm anxious all the time. I struggle to eat, take anti histamines during the day to stop me feeling sick.

Just my family doesn't deserve this anymore 😭

Could you be projecting your feelings onto your husband? Sometimes, we subconsciously project feelings of despair, anger, negativity onto those who love us unconditionally . They are our 'safe spaces' and willingly take all the stuff we throw at them because they genuinely do care for us.
However, sometimes, instead of us feeling safe, secure, validated even by their love, we end up feeling angry, unhappy, hateful even. When the one who loves you unconditionally then becomes an object of hate, derision, weakness....simply because all that inner stuff inside you has to go somewhere and that somewhere is your partner.
This all started with PND from what you say. Read up on it. Speak to someone who really understands the illness for that is what it is: an illness.
And look after yourself

It must be significant that the panic attacks first started when you had your daughter 2 years ago. Is there anything you can do to push for therapy sooner? Can you afford some sessions privately? Does your daughter go to nursery so you could have some therapy sessions then?

Wondering if it would help to post about your relationship issues in the relationships board and your anxiety on here? That may help separate the issues out and test how intertwined they are.

You are taking proactive steps to resolve this and have had periods in your life when the issues weren't there, so it can be resolved.

Op, you are most definitely NOT a piece of poo !!! These are all classic signs of anxiety: over-thinking, constant doubts about yourself and others, physical symptoms such as panic attacks.

I have no medical qualifications whatsoever but I would suggest you get yourself to the gp and take an anti-depressant to take the edge of your anxiety and make NO decisions whatsoever until your anxiety is under control

no decisions about your marriage that should have said!

Good luck

Thank you all for your comments. My life is difficult right now but you have all put my mind at rest to take this one day at a time. Just feel guilty for my family having to put up with me all the time