I'm tired of being me

[Adollop]

Following a family death, marriage breakup, children with poor mental health, being unable to work due to a breakdown, financial problems, I'm just tired. My life will never improve now, I'm not young, I've various physical health problems. I wish either I wouldn't wake up in the morning - too much of a coward to take my life for fear it would go wrong - or someone would lock me away in a home and take all decisions away from me.

I'm not asking for anything, there's no advice that can help. Just wondered if anyone had been in this place and got better. It's been like this for over four years, and it's just getting worse. But I've had depression and anxiety for most of my life. I'm just tired of fighting and feeling like this.

Sending a hand hold and a big hug.

I have had various mental and physical health problems, I have a chronic disease, and I now work in mental health care.

I'm not negating how you feel, but your statement ' my life will never improve' is a feeling, not a fact.

I'm here if you want to talk/vent/whatever

It may not be a fact, but it's highly likely. Some days I can't get up, let alone leave the house, so chances of working are slim, and if I did I couldn't cover my outgoings because I didn't go to uni or finish college and have only low qualifications and only experience in admin that pays peanuts for a lot of stress.

I've no friends because I can't go out, I'm in pain and my Gp isn't interested.

There's so many places I wanted to see, but no chance of ever going.

I know I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm just tired of carrying on like this. I'd rather be locked away and have no more responsibilities, I'm tired of trying to pay bills I can't afford, I'm tired of being cold because I daren't turn the heating up.

Ok, practical suggestions first. Are you on medication for depression/anxiety?

Don't worry about working etc yet, you need to work on you.
You say you can't go out, why is that? Depression? Anxiety? Agoraphobia?
Do you have family/friends/any support at all?
Are you claiming PIP/DLA/Universal Credit?

You asked if anyone had been in similar situations and come through it. I was a single mum of four, one a newborn baby. I have a chronic lifetime, painful condition, I had no money, ex unwilling to help or pay child maintenance. I have had depression most of my life, and have had agoraphobia. I didn't go to uni or finish college, low qualifications.
I'm not saying my life is perfect, far from it, but I have come through it, and I'm sure you can too. I am working part time, with a flexible employer. I rent a nice house, with help from benefits. My work makes me feel like I'm making a difference, which gives me satisfaction.
What I'm trying to say, very badly, is that there is something better for you.

What can I do to help you?

Thank you! That's kind of you to ask.

I'm not on medication - I've taken 5 different ones, they didn't help at all, but the side effects were awful, including not being able to sleep, putting on weight, having no feelings, headaches, feeling sick. The last one I took was really awful to come off, making my brain zap for months and months horribly.

I can't go out because of anxiety and sometimes I just can't get out of bed or wash or dress.

I have no friends, my mother is 81, no other family except kids, all suffer with mental health problems.

If I do manage to work ast some point I'll have to earn enough to support myself and I've no way of earning enough to do that. I sign up for free courses online dvd then can't manage to do them because I just stay in bed. There seems no point in getting up.

I'm really glad you've managed to turn your life around

It can take time to find the right antidepressant that works well for you with the least side effects, I know its horrible stopping and starting different ones, it can make you feel a lot worse, but it is worth persevering if you can. I remember the brain zaps very well, it's horrific.

The effect of having no feeling can be a good thing whilst on antidepressants, it gives you space from your sad and anxious thoughts and emotions, so that it is easier to work on problems. Most of the other side effects decrease after three or four weeks or so, except for the weight gain unfortunately, but that can be managed once you are in a better frame of mind.

Again, don't worry about work yet. If you are in the UK you can claim ESA and PIP, you can get help from the CAB to fill in the forms if you can't manage them yourself.

One of the best pieces of advice I was given was simply 'keep your face to the sunshine'. Literally, and figuratively (if you can find some sunshine in this horrible weather) Try and get outside every day, even if its just a cup of tea in the garden or on the doorstep to start with.

If you are in the UK you can request to be referred to a psychiatrist if you feel that would help. Psychiatrists will have a better idea of the best antidepressants for you to try. In some counties you can self refer for talking therapy/counselling. You can also ask social services for a review to see if there is any extra help you can get, such as a support worker, help with benefits and such like, for yourself, and for your children too.

I really feel for you and wish I could do more to help.

Thank you

I don't think I can face trying more antidepressants, I've taken Prozac, citalopram, mirtazapine, sertraline and duloxetine, also propanalol for anxiety. Yes, being numb can be useful, but I felt nothing, didn't feel love for my partner, my family anymore, it was ruining my relationship.

I am in the UK, the problem with ESA is the system for claiming it, I have no support at the moment and it's proving very difficult to get. I do have an assessment in February with the mental health team, not sure what will come of that.

When I feel I can leave the house I try to go for a walk, although it's often just ten minutes locally.

I'm having online cbt at the moment, bit find it difficult to follow due to some days not being able to do much.

Good Morning @Adollop

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Good to hear you have an assessment, it will help towards 'proof' for claiming ESA etc, I know it is a nightmare. I think they reject all claims on default at first, it seems like it. You just have to peservere with mandatory reconsiderations and appeals, its the only way to get anywhere. It's an awful system, and it does make you feel like giving up, especially when you are struggling anyway, it is very unfair.

Different types of antidepressants may be useful to you, such as Monoamine oxidase inhibitors or Serotonin-noradrenaline reuptake inhibitors.

Ten minutes outdoors is brilliant, if you can try to make that an every day thing it will help. And self care too if you can manage it. When I was unwell brushing my teeth seemed like the hardest thing to do in the world, it was too much hassle. But it does make you feel slightly better.

I hope your partner is supportive and can go to appointments with you.

I'm going to work now, but will be back later this afternoon if you want to talk.

Wishing you a better day

Thank you. I struggle to clean my teeth or shower.

The assessments themselves have made me almost give up in the past, it's so unfair to have to sit there and bare your soul to a stranger, tell them all your awful thoughts, how you can barely wash, don't go out, don't see anyone, for them to write a load of lies about how you're fine. I don't know if I can do it again tbh. I haven't got the strength to go around getting letters from gps etc. I don't make phone calls because of my anxiety. I can't travel to unfamiliar places. It's all just a nightmare I just feel like giving up.