Something more or do I just need to get a grip?

[Learivs1990]

Hi everyone.
Sorry for what may be a super self indulgent post. My DD is 7 weeks old today. I have a DS who is almost 3. These last 7 weeks have felt like the worst 7 weeks in my life.
I had a csection this time round recommended as I had a 4th degree tear with my son.
The csection wasn’t as plain sailing as id hoped. It left me really internally bruised but apart from a little infection I have healed generally well.
The first two days went ok but then day 3 my milk started coming in. Feeds became increasingly more painful, my nipples cracked and scabbed and began to bleed. This is when the problems really started. Long story short after doing the same first time round with my son gave in and gave her formula after a week. Everytime I looked at her I wanted to scream I dreaded her waking up or needing me. I thought I could have a day or two off the breast heal my nipples and then I could work back in a few breastfeeds and combifeed. Of course I was wrong, my supply dropped dramatically, she would latch scream and pull of repeatedly until I would give her a bottle. I tried expressing but with a toddler to look after I couldn’t get in enough pumps and my supply now when I try to pump (only twice a day 😞) is less than a half an ounce. I know that means I should let it go, it’s my fault and I should just leave it.
Everytime I think I can these feelings of failure creep in, I feel worthless and totally inadequate to other mums who manage it. I am scared to try and make friends with other mums because they will judge me. I took my toddler out for the day with my baby and we had to leave soft play because I was crying about feeding my baby formula. I am normally a strong character. When my mum died 4 years ago I barely cried infront of anyone, 2 weeks later I got married so I had to ‘get over it’ and I have put on that face ever since. But now I can’t control the emotions. They come over me at the worst times and I just cry. My toddler thinks it’s becasue I don’t love him anymore.
I dread leaving the house, everyday I wake up I begin to wander if I even want to wake up anymore.
But I do manage to get out and I try everyday to pull myself together.
I don’t know if it’s something more or whether I need to get over myself, accept I messed up and I can’t change it and start being a good mum to both of my children who quite frankly deserve better.
Once again sorry for the self indulgent post I just needed to let it out.

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time op.
Have you thought about asking your hv or gp for some support? Are there any local support groups? I find this helps me 1- get out and 2- meet likeminded people.

You don’t need a grip. You need help and support. Your kids don’t deserve better. They (and you) deserve you to be well.
I totally get the guilt but it’s not your fault you didn’t manage to bf. With my first I did everything and still couldn’t establish a supply. You’ve messed nothing up. Not at all.

i think your hormones are making you feel a lot of this possibly even a pnd ?
Had a hard pregnancy with sickness and exhaustion but text book birth
Breast feeding was a huge issue my milk
Started to come in 10
Days or so after birth and small supply

Was combo feeding ... I was depressed though anyway but the breast feeding became a huge deal
And stress for me, and I only have one child ... at about 10’weeks I stopped all
Together as it was taking 3 days of pumping to produce 3 Oz ( 5 times through day and. Night 15 mins each breast ) as well
As breast feeding 15 mins and bottle feeding ... and you know what it was the best thing I did ( stop that is )

I was worthless and useless in my head I didn’t love my son and to be honest I didn’t like him much.

Anyhow 10 weeks gave up pumping and best thing I did I got more sleep I felt awful at first but as the fog began to clear I actually started to enjoy him and allow myself to fall in love with him.

Fed is best / and a happier mummy and your baby has had 7 weeks of goodness from you you have done so well. Your baby will be fine on formula