Confession time-some bad women-my sertraline experience

[Spurdog]

OK, I confess. I took this job 4 years ago, and I liked the job. There were only a small group, all reporting into the manager, but some of the team were higher profile than others (seniority) so it was a juggling act of instructions.
My day to day senior was a 20 something female, and within 3 months had made her situation clear. It was christmas, and what she said to me was brutal. All she had said in the previous three months was "picking holes" in my efforts.
So I told the manager "would you like my notice?". His face sank as he asked "why". I quoted her words. I want you gone by christmas, and then the manager soon after. I cannot imagine the kicking she must have got...
So I was asked to stay, but my nerves were quite bad (I'm a sensitive fella), and my doctor prescribed sertraline.
After a year this 20 something was gone. Of her own volition i can only surmise.
My manager left nearly two years ago, and I retired last november, giving up Sertraline after cutting down to half a tab in the prior six weeks.
Then my mood swings started. I thought my marriage was falling apart, and the nightmares were frightening. I was not coping with being retired (it should be so easy...). In the end the phone rang, and my replacement was not coping with the volume of work that i coped with. will i come back and help them out (12hours PW)? what a compliment (three years too late....lol). Sertraline was offered, but I was constantly feeling queasy, 2-3 hours every day. I therefore used Kalms -though quiet life might have been the answer)

I finish this month but have since had nightmares of being taken away in a straightjacket, something i cannot describe to anyone who knows me.

This was my experience. Thank you for listening, i needed to talk.

Hi Spurdog, your nightmare of being taken away in a straightjacket sounds extremely anxiety-provoking. The image itself suggests restriction against your will, and has associations with being considered mad by other people and struggling to defend such accusations. Fearful and persecutory feelings, I imagine.

My sense is that the nightmares are connected with your retirement and how that changes your self-image and social identity. You mentioned that you weren't coping with being retired and I wonder if the nightmares have returned or intensified as the remaining weeks of your 'bonus' job approach?

Retirement can be a very challenging rite of passage for some people, and is a particularly poignant and significant life stage. You've had the experience of crossing the threshold into it and experiencing difficulties, then being 'saved' from it by a temporary reprieve. But now you might suspect that sort of opportunity won't come a second time, and you might be feeling dragged against your will into an 'institutional' life phase that you feel great resistance to. (I use the word institutional there in the social customs sense.)

You don't give any details of what you felt you weren't coping with in retirement, but my sense is that the prospect holds great uncertainty for you at various levels. Were you ever offered counselling alongside the sertraline?

Hi PP. You sound very intelligent, perhaps a doctor. No, i wasn't offered counselling, though i did ask for it. It may not be available in my area.

One thing i forgot to mention, the standard of work from this so called female was appaling. I know that because on my return i was dealing with her work, forms half filled but accepted. some missing, some have no info whatsoever.

I have dropped all pills, so i can get on a level ground.

Ah, you've come to the right place, persistently terrified of being sectioned and completely losing power and control? Yep, been there. Turns out, that went way deeper than the horrific nightmares and thoughts I was having, so I would advise counselling if you're open to it. Our minds (all of our minds) are scary places to look at but it's a worthwhile place to try and look if it feels like the time is right.

So, the voice of experience (perhaps I shouldn't mention voices). Is this the start of something worse EG bipolar. The fea5r of mentioning it to your friends/doctor etc and finding yourself excluded, taken away, laughed at. What to experience.

Or am i worrying too much and people do understand.... "they ARE a listening ear"

Find someone you trust and disclose. If you can afford it perhaps a private therapist as you can approach them directly without anyone else. It won't be about a diagnosis through that route but you may be able to uncover and unpick these unpleasant thoughts and dreams. Good luck, I've found it difficult and terrifying, but it came to a point where I was desperate and needed someone to hear me.