Feeling low and ashamed of myself.

[Movingon83]

I don’t know what I’m looking for really, just kind of reaching out.

I feel really low. I’m a year out of an emotionally abusive relationship and I’m finding it really hard. The abuse is still going and I need to dig deep to put measures in place to stop him from reaching me. It’s very difficult with children. I got so run down over the years I have C.F.S now and I stopped caring for myself just the children.

A few weeks ago I plucked up the courage to go to the dentist. I need to start taking care of myself, thinking I’m worth it. I was always told I wasn’t. I need 6 fillings and 2 roots canals. I’m so ashamed of myself, that I simply didn’t care the last few years whether they all fell out. Obviously I do care, now I do, now some of the fog has lifted. It doesn’t stop me from beating myself up that I let myself get like this.

I’m terrified of the dentist also.

Hi OP

I’m having a wisdom tooth removed via surgery next weekend. Also shit scared of the dentist. It’s crumbled to nothing so the dentist couldn’t even attempt to get it out.

I also need multiple fillings; and airflow polishing as there’s so much dirt inbetween my really uneven teeth. No idea how I’m going to get through it.

I’ve also really neglected myself and focused entirely on my children, so I understand how you feel.

You’ve taken a step forward and should be proud. It takes a lot of courage and strength to get out of an abusive relationship.
You’re starting to build yourself up again and soon you’ll have teeth sorted. Thats a good thing so well done!
I’m terrified of the dentist too. It’s very common.
Start looking forward as what’s happened in the past was not your fault. You were surviving the best way you could. There’s so much you can be proud of. Start focussing on that.

Also, OP - I’m four years out of an abusive relationship, and about a year out I felt exactly the same way as you. It’s very hard to unpick, recover AND parent. So, fist bump to you for managing that.

Thanks guys. He is deliberately shoving it in my face that he is absolutely fine, it was all my fault, I’m the one with the issues. It feels now like I have issues but I try and remember he is the same man. He is still abusing me.

I said to the dentist il lucky to be alive really and all that has died was a few teeth. But I still feel embarrassed.

I wasn’t prepared for the upping of his emotional abusive after I left. I’m literally broken and bruised.

They do tend to up it after you dare to leave them.

Mine upped it by abandoning our child, who he has seen once as a newborn, she’s now 4. Once a year he sends a mediation request, I go through all the stress of it and then he never turns up. The system is flawed and fucked.

Do you have a Women’s Aid worker? They were truly amazing with me. The website has some good book recommendations that really helped me unlock everything and realise it was in no way my fault.

The reason he’s fine is because he has zero emotion and isn’t a normal human being. You are. And so you hurt.

Yes he has no emotion. He says he has found something to blame is anger on and now he is better. He always has something to blame it on other then himself.

My teeth are the visible part, what am I like inside!

I think inside OP you are stronger than you feel right now. Think of what you've done - you've got out of this relationship, you've managed to keep things on the road for your children and now you're starting to mind yourself more.

Don't feel ashamed, feel brave and keep moving forward strongly and looking after yourself.

A year out of any relationship is still a relative short space of time compared to the amount of time you were in it.

What you have done now by taking that first step with the dentist is to begin building your strength back up, by listening to yourself rather than him.
Concentrate on getting your smile back to face the world - whilst being kind to yourself within yourself. You're dealing with a complete bastard by the sound of it, which can be utterly draining.
So write down some 'kindness to self' ideas on paper, pop them in a box, and each time you have had dealings with him pick one out, and do it.
They could include having a mug of your favourite drink whilst in the bath. A walk in the park. Doing a bit of colouring in in one of those fabulous 'relaxation' books. Whatever you love.

And remember - you won't always feel like this..........but he will always be a twat!

I feel bad at the moment. I’m run down and always unwell with viruses. I don’t really get to do the fun things like he does as he doesn’t feel anything like you say. On his days he gets all the fun activities whist I’m doing all the dentists and doc and school etc. Then when I have a day I’m so bloody tired I’m just not able to go out all day. I feel I’m letting them down and they won’t want to stay with me.

To build yourself back up, you need to look after your basic needs first so check your sleep and diet.

If you can’t focus on eating a healthy diet at the moment, just focus on getting your 5 fruit and veg a day.
Take some floradix in case you’re in need of iron and other supplements.

Try to do a bit of exercise every day. Just going for a walk is good enough.

Don’t feel pressured into doing ‘fun things’ with dc as a priority. How old are they?
Could you take them to a park where you sit in a bench and they get to play? Getting out for a bit is good for everyone.

Even sitting with them to eat meals, watch a film or reading a story to them is lovely to do.
Nurture closeness, affection and a good relationship with them. That beats ‘fun things’ hands down.