Something “clicked” last night.

[IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory]

I don’t post here very often as I’m well used to my MH issues and have learned to ride the wave and find it helps me not to fixate on it. (I talk to friends in RL though when I need to) I’ve been depressed since my youngest was born 10 years ago. Suicidal for much of that time. It has ruined my life. Changed it in a way that can never be repaired. It affected my DC too. Throughout this time normal, simple basic life tasks have felt like a struggle. Brushing my teeth, having a meal, going to work. I’ve been shortchanging myself in all aspects of life for 10 years and I’ve hated myself for it. Tried so many times to sort myself out but life just felt permanently hard and I am always tired. I had accepted I would just always feel like this.

But last night something just “clicked”. I don’t know what. I was just watching tv. Normally I’m sitting worrying about my next day at work, getting up on time (real struggle for me) but all of a sudden last night I just had this feeling of “it’s ok- I can do it” that sounds silly and i don’t think I’m explaining it well but it’s how it felt. Really sudden and it has lasted all day today. I felt “light” at work. Not heavy and slow and tired and low. Work didn’t feel like a chore. Getting up didn’t feel like a chore. I’m not anxious about work next week.

What is this? Is this temporary or have I turned a corner? Has anyone experienced anything like this?

I haven’t been doing anything different recently to cause this. In fact the last two weeks I have been really low. I missed work a few days and wasn’t coping at all. (No reason for this either- other than maybe the darker days?)

I don't know what it is OP but it sounds good😊
are you into doing any kind of journalling?
Just wondering if it would be helpful to to make a note of what happened and how you feel, see where it goes etc
Really sorry to hear about what you've been through since your youngest was born 💐

I don’t know what it means OP but I just wanted to say that your post really moved me and I’m so glad you got your ‘click’.

Now it’s happened once, you know it can happen again.

I have thought about keeping a journal and then I worried that I wouldn’t be able to keep an unbiased one. That Id unconsciously only record things that I thought were relevant and decide they were the cause of things rather than record everything for a true record.

Thanks atrocious- I think I’m trying to convince myself it’s a permanent thing when maybe it’s just a blip and i’ll go back to “normal” sadness next week.

Journal sounds good. Start now. Write everything down. Even your fears of non reporting certain things.

Good luck OP.

OP I’m so happy for you, that sounds really good.

Thank you everyone. It feels so weird!

I had that moment after doing some CBT exercises. Literally just like something went ping in my head. Had slight dips after that but never major. Take sertraline 25mg daily but all good. Embrace this change but don't put any pressure on yourself just enjoy it and see how it goes.

Thanks TARSCOUT- I’m so glad you had it too!!

That sounds amazing! You mentioned acceptance in your post and I wonder (I don't know) if you have somehow fully accepted your situation and somehow that has allowed it to ease? Enjoy!

Yes it could be that! Just finally at peace with myself?

I've never met anyone else who has experienced this - but yes, I've had this a few times in the 20+ years of my almost nonstop chronic depression. Twice I just suddenly woke up feeling OK (once in the morning, once after a short nap), once I abruptly felt alright again after several days wrapped in a blanket with only the radio, and once I was in the middle of hoovering the third step down - literally, like a fuse unblowing or a computer rebooting.

I don't have any explanation for why it happens. But I've always been too busy enjoying the undepressedness to ever really wonder.

Really hoping it lasts for you, OP

Yes that’s exactly what it was heavily just a very sudden “okness”. It’s lasted so far. Im very glad to hear you’ve had it a few times. That gives me hope of it ever disappears- it could happen again. Thank you!
I hope you’re doing better now too? Or will do again soon x

I keep waiting for this moment, so thank you for sharing. It gives me hope. 3 years of severe PND, multiple medication changes, talking therapies etc and I’m still no better.

Ahh I hope you get there asmuch.

I honestly didn’t think this was possible. I thought I would just always feel the way I do(did) and that I’d get better at managing it with experience. I thought that’s just who I was and that was my natural level of “happiness” (or lack of!) Or that maybe eventually things would get easier and if one day realise I hadn’t felt so sad for a while. The suddenness of this has really shocked me. I’ve never heard of this before.

Thank you. I’m really pleased to hear you’re on the mend x

I've had this a few times, I'm so happy for you OP, that sounds wonderful. It is definitely an odd feeling but fantastic too.

I just wanted to update this thread to let you know I’m still good. The cloud is still gone. I keep “checking in” with myself to see how I’m feeling incase it’s back and I haven’t noticed but it hasn’t come back. It’s been two weeks which mightn’t sound like much but to me that’s amazing. Completely unheard of for me. I’ve had the odd moment of being sad or worried about specific things but that’s perfectly normal and it didn’t go any deeper than that. I actually had a family situation last weekend that was pretty awful and previously would have sent me very low for a prolonged period but it didn’t. I don’t know why. It happened, it was bad, but I coped and it ended there. I’m still in shock that it’s lasted this long.

For anyone who is in deep right now- there’s hope. I never thought I could feel normal again. But It just happened out of the blue. Keep fighting for yourself.

That's amazing! Hope all continues looking up, op.

Hello Cheesecake so glad to hear things are still on the up! Love that you are still 'checking in with yourself', important to do so for a good few months yet. Your post has given me a boost for no other reason than it's nice to hear all is still well .

Thank you della

And TARSCOUT that’s a lovely thought that it’s given you a boost too! I will definitely still be checking in with myself.

Really glad to hear you’re well and thanks for the update. It does give me hope x