Feeling a bit lost in life

[Franz123]

Currently in the process of waiting for NHS counselling but feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. On my good days, I function without anyone noticing how sad I am inside.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so lost inside. No one respects me, i have no esteem, no value in myself. I just want to cry but i end up burying my sadness that its the norm now.

I’m listening. Is it your family that’s the problem?

Sounds like counselling is the right step. I find mindfulness helpful too. The Headspace app is useful.

I'm sorry you are going through a bad patch

NHS waiting list is long, I had my pre-assessment in September and still waiting...don't expect to be seen anytime soon. And I dont have the money for private sessions.

I guess I just want to feel normal again, happy. It's quite deep rooted, something happened a while ago that had a massive impact on my life. The people I did turn to blamed me, made excuses for the other party and I thought what's the point. I have literally been through the most stressful thing in my life and my SIL told me to "get over it". That stuck with me.

The only thing keeping me here are my kids. They are my light, my life.

And thank you both for responding, tbh I dont know why I wrote on this board. I have been feeling like this for about 2 years now.

You are reaching out. Which is a good thing.
Family can be shit sometimes. I think they downplay or put you down if it's something they don't want to deal with, or if it's something that has happened to them too and don't want to admit it.

Have you been referred by your GP or was it a self referral? I would approach them again and maybe chase it up.

This might sound odd but when I hit the low points I force myself to go to a museum or gallery and work my way round a room really looking at the individual pieces and reading the info on each one properly. It's just a temporary trick to block out the rest of the world for a little bit but gives my brain something to focus on and somewhere I know I can go that's just for me. When I'm really low I can't focus on TV or reading and music is always too emotive and I don't necessarily want to try and communicate with anyone but just looking at something different and making myself take in the description is really meditative and can conjure up other thoughts and feelings than the shitty negative ones flooding my brain - and make me feel good that I've learnt something afterwards too. My version of meditation or mindfulness or taking it out on a gym machine I suppose.

I hope your referral come through soon @Franz123. Two years is a long time to feel low but you've done something about it. Big hug.

My SIL believes I said something terrible about her when I never did, so she has always been pretty blunt with me. For years she held it against me until all of my own drama came up, then she mentioned it (kick me when I am down) to which I said I didnt but apparently she said she heard these words from me directly (which is a blatant lie). My inlaws are a very tiny part of my issues, if at all. That was just an example of the "support" given.

My life is a bit upside down. I am trying to do the best by my kids. They are my focus and I guess as a result I am putting myself at the bottom of the list to ensure they have a good life and everything they need.

I will give the team a call on Monday but I suspect it'll be the same "there is a waiting list and its anything up to x weeks". I did a self referral, maybe I'll ask the GP to nudge too.

@getoffmylilo sounds like you have some good coping mechanisms! I do need to lose some weight, get in shape so maybe I'll do some yoga or something when the kids are asleep

Loutypips is right about how family can be. You need someone impartial who can listen. Exercise is good too.

Well done on taking the first steps to deal with it.

Is there a charity who might provide counselling more quickly?

Prioritise looking after yourself. Eat really well and be gentle with yourself.

Franz123 I think many parents do this, put themselves last etc but you need to put your lifevest on first before attending to others. Be very good to yourself as you are going through this.

Does anyone ever just wish they made different choices? I think about the person I was prior to meeting OH - I was energetic, fun, optimistic and just full of life and adventure. Now I feel so frumpy, unattractive and just...eugggh. Living to make others happy, even when they are the cause of my sadness. Day after day thinking about what could have been instead of what the reality is, crying to myself in the shower, car, whenever I am alone or at night when everyone is asleep so no one hears or sees me. It's so draining. I am so tired of feeling like this. Everything about me is so fake, the smiles and conversation with people, the only time I feel joy or happiness is when I am with my children and I see their smiles.

Yes. Everyday. But now I'm in a better place it's easier to see where I went wrong. I know I wouldn't make the same mistakes again.

You are doing the right thing by seeking help. It's the first step to healing yourself.

Why are you giving your power, your will, your self esteem, your everything to others? And hope they’ll treat it nicely?
This year I came across a concept totally alien to me: self soothing. As in: speak to and treat yourself as you would a dear friend/child.

You’re on the right path, you’ve become aware of how unhappy you are. Gently nurture yourself back to your old self.