Counsellor/ therapist view please

[parrotonmyshoulder]

If you are a counsellor or a therapist, how do you react if you are shocked by something a client discloses?
Do you tell them so? Or does it depend on the person/ story?

Strictly speaking it's not about the counsellor's shock, the focus must be on the client's feeling state/mental state. Other factors influence things. For example, if a counsellor is with a client who discloses shocking abuse done to them but makes light of it, the counsellor would probably conclude that the client isn't in touch with her real feelings about the matter, and might describe the shocked feeling they had in order to 'normalise' that response for the client, ie. it's not 'normal' or healthy for someone who has been seriously abused to feel dismissive or unaffected by it.

If a client discloses shocking actions or behaviours of theirs that have harmed another, again it's not appropriate for the counsellor to voice their shock. Instead, they would register their sense of shock internally and let that reaction inform their decisions about how to proceed. For example, a client might disclose harm or injury they've committed to a child. The counsellor would righly feel disturbed by such a disclosure but would focus on putting some safeguarding guidelines into action. This might include reminding the client of the contract she agreed to earlier in the work, and explaining to her that the counsellor is ehtically/legally obliged to inform certain authorities about the abuse the client has committed, in order to protect the child in question.

Essentially, an acceptant and non-judgemental attitude to your client is a core skill in counselling, and letting your jaw drop in response to something a client confides in you is considered poor practice. It can have the effect of making the client think they need to protect you from 'heavy material' and decide not to share difficult details in future. It can lead them to conclude that what has happened to them is so awful other people can't handle hearing about it, or might be thinking badly of them for being the person something awful happened to (and which they may already suspect makes them 'unacceptable' in some way.) One really important quality of the therapeutic relationship is the counsellor's capacity to 'contain' the emotional content of what a client shares. Sitting with your mouth open in response to the client's shocking description of an experience isn't a good look. It's not reassuring and can make the client fear they're 'too much' and will be rejected for being 'damaged'. Empathy with their feelings (which might include shock, but you'd have to confirm that with the client) is the appropriate and effective therapeutic skill in such circumstances.

Thanks for your detailed and thoughtful reply. I think in my case it was the former of your examples. I disclosed something as an example within my relationship that I very likely explained in a dismissive and offhand way. If it had been someone else, I would be horrified by the story. I see how I have become very accepting of it.

I don’t think my therapist was wrong - she didn’t express horror, and was very careful about her choice of words. To help me realise, I see, how challenging the event was that I described.

It’s now difficult though to see how to get through the next two weeks to the next appointment, holding onto the feeling that what I have experienced is somewhat shocking to others. I felt safe to talk to her about the situation, for the first time in 18 months.

Hi @parrotonmyshoulder

Sorry for this quick post, I didn't want to read and run but can't write anything longer just now. Have a look at these suggestions for managing distressing feelings and thoughts between sessions:

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/between-therapy-sessions-3-handy-coping-skills-for-trauma-0305154

If the 'body scan' technique appeals to you, here's a good guided version :

Keep safe and try to contact someone in your support network if things get too much and you're afraid you'll harm yourself or feel at risk in some way. And keep posting here for support and feedback if you feel up to it. Others will step in if they can. Best wishes to you 💐

I think also, if I may, that to come to terms with / face something that has been traumatic in one's life, when one has believed a certain way about it (whether that was imposed on you by someone else though threats or other forms of manipulation, or internally as a mechanism to protect your own well-safety albeit in far less than ideal circumstances) is very difficult. It involves a reshaping and a lot of questioning and would bring up lots of feelings.

There is the feeling of needing to feel safe and trust the therapeutic relationship in the here and now, otherwise it can reinforce old beliefs. But also, and more fundamentally, to realign yourself with the new 'knowledge' about what you experienced, perhaps recognising the internally conflicting emotions, ultimately coming to a more grounded view. Part of that work, with your therapist, is redrawing your boundaries.

I say this coming from limited knowledge of a specific type of situation, and basic counselling training.

Thanks. The containment method is what I usually do and I can do that now if necessary. Unfortunately I have no support network, only the therapist and the fortnightly sessions. I don’t feel safe online either.
My mental health is fine, and I am at no risk of harming myself or my children.